(Dodgy Dave Tale) Plastic Flowers
(Dodgy Dave Tale) Plastic Flowers
This is another Dodgy Dave Tale that goes out
To all the romantics that have their doubts
See Dodgy states he is unromantically inclined
That could leave poor Vera maligned
(Vera his wife that this story is behind)
You see when your in love with a man
Women expect romantic gifts not just a hand
And Vera felt a little slighted here
Because it was flowers she lacked from her dear
So one day his wife and Dodgy Dave
Went out on the town not to misbehave
They decided to go to a Car Boot Sale
(Don't ask me what that is Dave knows that tale)
As they were walking along that day
Dodgy Dave came upon a plastic flower bouquet
Well he picked the thing up
And thought to himself...what luck
Now I have flowers to give to my gal
And she will think of me as her romantic pal
The moral of this silly story here
Is if you want to be unromantically clear
Give your loved one plastic flowers instead
And in return for your supper expect water and brown bread
28 Jan 2008
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How I Became Known As Dodgy Dave
From time to time people ask me
how I got the name Dodgy Dave
and why I take no offence at it.
The story starts about six or seven years ago
when I joined a Western Re-Enactment Society.
I went to help build a western town
that eventually became know as Deadwood.
As the date for near completion came
the only building left to be finished was the Church.
The original builders had left it only half built.
The owner of the farm
on which the town is built
wanted it finished for our grand opening day.
Someone suggested that because of all the help,
I had given, why I don’t take it on
and they would help me finish it,
but I needed a town name
that would go along with the building,
I thought for a moment and then said
what about Reverend Mr Black
after the old Kingston Trio song.
So for a couple of years
I became known as Rev. Mr Black.
Two of my friends Buck and Caroline
(better know to one and all as Caz)
were planning their wedding.
They were going to have an official ceremony
on the Friday and on the Saturday;
they were to have another wedding in the town.
They asked if I would marry them in the town ceremony.
I told them I would be honoured.
Caz then went around telling everyone,
family and friends
that Dodgy Dave the vicar was going to marry them,
but he isn’t dodgy,
it’s just my pet name for him.
Soon everybody started calling me Dodgy Dave.
However, with every nice story
somehow sadness always intervenes.
Six weeks before their wedding,
this pretty woman who had renamed me Dodgy Dave
died at the tender age of thirty.
We held a wake for her in the town
on the day she and Buck were to marry.
It was a sad affair,
but her memory remains with me
every time someone calls me Dodgy Dave.
There are so many memories attached to that name.
It was never given out of malice,
but out of friendship sincere.
Now the name Dodgy Dave
has become very dear to me.
I use it all the time,
because when I do it reminds me
of the young woman with fair hair
whose friendship I treasured so
and I never want to let the memory of her go.
So there you have it
the story behind the christening
of me to Dodgy Dave
11 March 2008
poem by David Harris
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(Dodgy Dave Tale) Angel On Earth
(Dodgy Dave Tale) Angel On Earth
Another Dodgy Dave Tale to converse
It seems David thinks he's not an angel or worse
He just doesn't understand
That an angel is someone that lends a hand
Friendship is the key you see
God's greatest most precious gift in deed
For a man who's heart is big and kind
Deserves those angel wings behind
30 Dec 2007
Rose Across The Sea
For My Good Friend JoAnn McGrath
Not so long ago I was joking
with a young lady across sea.
I told her that I was a vicar,
or at least pretend one.
My name was Dodgy Dave the Vicar.
A little while later
she wrote a poem aptly named,
The Vicar Is Quicker.
Since then she has written
quite a number more.
I tell her a funny story about me.
No sooner do I tell her the story
it appear as a Dodgy Dave Poetry.
In the time I have known her
not once have, I wrote a poem for her,
that rose across the sea.
She thinks of me as her big brother.
I find that as a compliment you see,
as my own real sister
does not want to know me.
Therefore, I have an adopted one
far away from me,
a rose across the sea.
Therefore, Joann
this poem is just for you,
from your friend,
that Dodgy quicker vicar
who rhymes with liquor.
A substance he never touches,
but I will raise my cup of tea
and say again,
this poem is just for you,
my rose across the sea.
poem by David Harris
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(Dodgy Dave Tale) Gunga Din and His Amazing Crew Within
(Dodgy Dave Tale) Gunga Din and His Amazing Crew Within
First of the New Year Dodgy Dave Tale
But I think it's a reaction to the meds for his back that ails
You'll understand what I mean
When I write and create this scene
(Hallucinations just might be what David has seen)
We were chatting online again
And this is where the story begins
We said we were both to old to bring in the New Year
And remembering what we used to do for cheer
He said now he gets his kicks
Firing at balloons on the ceiling and dropping dust and bricks
And so this is where the roof has caved in
And where all the hallucinations begin
He said he saw Gunga Din the Merman in a saucer fly by
He was complaining David was shooting into the sky
This intergalactical Gunga Din
Had a special animal crew within
Each animal had their own oxygen suit
Can you just picture it? It has to be cute!
I don't know about you
But I think David has a new calling to pursue
Fictional books for the children's aisle
Or it's the meds for his back that has given him a new style....: O)
1 Jan 2008
Dagenham Dave
Head in the clouds, and a mouthful of pie
Head in a blouse, everybody loves him
I see why
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dagenham dave
I love karen, I love sharon on the windowscreen
With never the need to fight or to question a single thing
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave
Hed love to touch, hes afraid that he might self-combust
I could say more, but you get the general idea
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Dagenham, dagenham
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Dagenham, dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dave, oh, dagenham, dagenham
Dagenham dave
Dagenham dave, dagenham dave
Oh, dave, oh, dave, oh, dave
Oh, dave
song performed by by Morrissey
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Emily May
For My Great Granddaughter
Today old Dodgy Dave,
was made a Great Granddad again,
with a great granddaughter Emily May,
weighing in at seven pound and four ounces.
Is he happy? I would say he is.
Looking in the mirror
another dozen grey hairs did appear.
One thing I can tell you,
she could grow up to be a pop singer
with the deafening lungs she has.
The new Granddad and Granny are coming around tonight
to toast baby Emily May,
with a couple of cups of tea
on the rocks,
or we might even splash out
on a coke.
Welcome to the crazy world
of your Great Granddad Dodgy Dave
my little Emily May
poem by David Harris
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Another Lot Of Things You Shouldn’t Do
Never date Wonder Woman
you will never know what she might do.
She could toss her golden lariat
and choke the truth out of you.
Never date Superman
when he asks you to take a flight with him.
He might dropp you
as he waves to the crowd below.
Never date Spiderman
on any given day.
He might leave dangling in his web
while he is called away.
Never date Batman
because you will never be alone.
He has always got a Robin
bobbing along behind.
Never ever date Dodgy Dave The Vicar
because he’ll preach all night to you
and just to top that
you’ll be chased by Vera with a rolling pin in hand.
22 November 2007
poem by David Harris
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My Best Friends
For JoAnn and Meggie
There are two young ladies
I think of as my best friends.
If ever I have a problem
that was eating away at me
I could go to either of them
and they would comfort me.
I’d do the same for them
at anytime night or day.
Not only are they my best friends,
they are my writing partners in poetry
when we write under
JoJo Bean, Dodgy Dave and Meggie Gultiano.
Although we have never met
as each of us live thousands of miles away,
they are still my best friends.
Some may never understand
why I say that at all,
they may even argue that statement
saying how can you be best friends
with people you have never met.
I’d reply just look at the poetry
we have together written
it speaks of three writing together with one voice,
of friendship with a deep loving bond for one another.
Therefore, when I say they are my best friends
I say that with sincerity,
and my words come from my heart.
Therefore, ladies now you know
just what you mean to me
and I want the whole world
to see and understand
that best friends can live anywhere
even in far off distant lands.
Friendships hold no boundaries
and are not restricted by what we are.
The key is how you feel
towards every one of them.
I have been lucky in having many friends
of many religions, nationalities and creeds,
but JoAnn and Meggie are my best friends,
and I know it will always stay that way.
Thank you ladies
for always being there for me.
David aka Dodgy Dave
9 February 2008
poem by David Harris
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Poor plastic Flower
My mother in law loves flower
This is our trial
My wife in denial
As she plants a flower
She has a brown thumb
This makes me glum
For she can’t even grow a plum
She has plastic flowers
And those took a powder
Poor plastic flower
A flower needs water
To give it power
She forget this every hour
That is why her flowers are powder
Her plastic flower had power
Until it's last hour
The vase did tower
As it was full of water
Poor plastic flower
poem by Keith Wells
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Happy Birthday Sandra
For Sandra Fowler
Here he goes again
old Dodgy Dave forgetting
his poetry friend’s birthday,
only remembering at the last minute.
Happy Birthday Sandra
I hope you are having a wonderful one
with family and friends around you
to wish you all the happiness you deserve
for all the kind comments you plant here and there.
If you had a wish,
I wonder what it would be for,
to live a long life of happiness.
Well that I wish for you
and for you to make new friends
to mingle with the old ones everyday.
I will also wish you good health
and love to last you through the years,
and all the happiness you so rightly deserve.
Therefore, from this dodgy fellow in England
let me wish you a Happy Birthday
and may you always be my friend.
Happy Birthday Sandra.
4 February 2008
poem by David Harris
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Happy Birthday Ernestine
While I was at Stratford last year,
I met a number of pretty young ladies
while I was there.
I say young ladies
as they were all young ladies to me
and Ernestine was one
of those young ladies I met there.
I got and gave a hug,
and I am hoping for the same this year,
but for now, it is your birthday.
My how time does fly around.
Happy Birthday and I hope
it will be remembered
as being one of the best
with a gathering of family and friends
around to help you see it through.
This little Birthday poem
comes from me to you,
to wish you a super Happy Birthday Ernestine.
May the happiness of today
be with you all the year through.
Happy Birthday Ernestine
Love and Hugs
David aka Dodgy Dave and Vera
xxxx
25 March 2008
poem by David Harris
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Silliness Is My Middle Name
Silliness is my middle name
and silliness is my claim to fame.
Therefore, if you want a laugh or two
just come along to Dodgy Dave’s grotto
and he will make you smile.
He may look like a beanpole
with a dog collar around his neck,
but you will be guaranteed
he will never use the phrase “Oh Heck”.
He has loads of silly rhymes
that make no sense at all.
His wife thinks he was born
and they live down on the Funny Farm.
This poem was written
to make no sense at all.
Just another bit of his silliness
he likes to share with one and all.
poem by David Harris
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A man called DAVE
I am a man, called DAVE
My story is boring
But you will be amazed to find
I am a man called Dave
Ordinary sometimes kind
A man called Dave
I wear a size eight shoe
Never get the blues
Never been done in
Nor comitted a mortal sin
And my childhood was full of grey and rainy days kept in
Monochrome at best but never black or blue
I was never starved or beaten
And I never went to Eton
Or grew up in a town house with a silver spoon
I can be quite erratic
But was never locked in an attic
I was never a fanatic
Apolitical
Never spiritual
Devoid of potent points of view
I am a man called DAVE
You may have seen me on the news
For being boring
And being conventional
A one dimensional
Just like you and you and, (you)
I could have changed name to JOE
Joe Public just like you
But I am Dave a man called Dave
And I'm so extraordinary for being square
Devoid of any point of view
I'm on the telly in the news
Soon to publish 'BORING SNORING'
my life story
Coming to a cinema near you!
Dave MY NAME IS DAVE
MY IDLE HOUR AWAITS
soon to be forgotten
Cos I'm like YOU and YOU and (you)
poem by Yvette Smith
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The Big Cross
My cross is big and golden
and blinds any gunman
who comes after the preacher
with a gun.
I polish it brightly
so it reflects the sun
and blinds any demons
that might be lurking around.
The big cross is the trademark you see
of Dodgy Dave the vicar - me.
16 April 2009
poem by David Harris
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Reluctantly 2
Sometimes things don’t go as planned
instead they take an opposite turn
and the conclusion is out of your hands.
You say you want to give up something
but others objections are so loud
your decision is reversed
without your protest being heard.
Their agreements are persuasive
that you reverse your decision reluctantly.
This happened to me recently
when I tried to give up my church
the powers that would be
would hear nothing of it
and just wouldn’t let me go.
Instead they purposed a compromise
I accepted reluctantly,
so I guess for a while longer
Dodgy Dave the Vicar I will have to be.
3 April 2010
poem by David Harris
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And I Was Moved
They came running down the road
like something resembling
a stampeding Buffalo herd.
“There he is! ” Someone shouted.
I looked around to see
whom they were shouting about,
but there was no one, only me.
I looked again as the pens came out.
“Let’s get his autograph! ”
And I was moved,
moved so much I started to run
towards them, arms open wide.
And I was moved again,
being carried along by the herd.
“It is him! It’s Robbie Williams! ”
Now who the heck is he?
I though it was Dodgy Dave’s autograph they wanted,
but no it was only in my dreams I’m afraid.
5 July 2008
poem by David Harris
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They Call Me Dodgy The Quickest Vicar In The West (Fun Poem 15)
A trip of a smile,
confidence aside,
I knock on the door,
wondering what treasures,
behind it may hide.
She answers the door,
so self assured
a smile there waiting,
and so is allure.
We talk for a while,
and then she shows me her meat
pie, that is to be sure,
because I am the Dodgy Vicar,
Dave is the name.
However, that is not what some call me,
but I do not use words profane.
I am trying to be a poet,
but I am a bit tame or is it lame.
I am not very fat, nor am I lean.
You can read about my antics,
at the site of JoJo Bean.
She has already recorded four,
and the poor girl wants some more.
Heaven help the poor fallen child.
9 May 2007
poem by David Harris
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Ballad Of Dodgy Dave The Preacher Man (A Spoof Of Me)
He stood tall and strong
with a Bible in one hand
and a fist of iron as the other.
No one cusses during his sermons
or fell asleep there.
Fire and brimstone
was the way he spoke
and everyone listened.
He took an unruly congregation
and made them toe the line.
While they were in God’s house,
his words were their command.
He knew who the sinners were
and he would eye them out.
Once his gaze was on you,
the only one thing you could do
and that was repent your sins.
His name now lingers
on the tongues of men and women.
He has become a legend in his own time.
The Preacher with fire and brimstone on his mind.
He dresses in black
and says it comes with the territory.
A big brass cross hangs on his chest.
That’s there to deflect the bullets
when he walks down the street.
He can be as ornery as a bobcat
and gentle as a lamb.
This tall Preacher man
aptly named Dodgy Dave.
11-14 February 2008
poem by David Harris
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Plastic Man
A man lives at the corner of the street,
And his neighbors think hes helpful and hes sweet,
cause he never swears and he always shakes you by the hand,
But no one knows he really is a plastic man.
Hes got plastic heart, plastic teeth and toes,
(yeah, hes plastic man)
Hes got plastic knees and a perfect plastic nose.
(yeah, hes plastic man)
Hes got plastic lips that hide his plastic teeth and gums,
And plastic legs that reach up to his plastic bum.
(plastic bum)
Plastic man got no brain,
Plastic man dont feel no pain,
Plastic people look the same,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kick his shin or tread on his face,
Pull his nose all over the place,
He cant disfigure, or disgrace,
Plastic man (plastic man).
Hes got plastic flowers growing up the walls,
He eats plastic food with a plastic knife and fork,
He likes plastic cups and saucers cause they never break,
And he likes to lick his gravy off a plastic plate.
Plastic man got no brain,
Plastic man dont feel no pain,
Plastic people look the same,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kick his shin or tread on his face,
Pull his nose all over the place,
He cant disfigure, or disgrace,
Plastic man (plastic man).
Hes got a plastic wife who wears a plastic mac,
(yeah, hes plastic man)
And his children wanna be plastic like their dad,
(yeah, hes plastic man)
Hes got a phony smile that makes you think he understands,
But no one ever gets the truth from plastic man (plastic man)
Plastic man (plastic man).
song performed by by Kinks
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Fruit And Nutter
I know some of my poems can be a bit absurd.
All you have to do is look at who writes them
he is a bit absurd too.
Anyone who plays Cowboys and Indians
at the age of sixty something
has to be a bit of a fruit and nutter.
However, saying all that
I really play Preachers and Indians
with a couple of sermons
thrown in for good measure.
They gave me the tag of Dodgy Dave,
the wife says it is because I dodge the Hoover,
but it’s because everyone thinks
I’m a bit of a fruit and nutter.
I stumble over my own sermons
and get locked up in jail for that
especially when I cannot read
what I’ve just written.
I have weird sense of humour
and all you have to do is ask my friends about that.
I have a saying
if you don’t come to my church,
my church will come to you
when you’re not looking.
When friends see me with a wicked grin
they know there’s a gag a foot
so they run and hide
and I wonder why.
What do I care
I’m just a fruit and nutter
and having a lot of fun with that.
11 September 2009
poem by David Harris
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