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I could be a bit of a pain in the arse. Since I've come out of my cancer, I must say I intend to be even more of a pain in the arse.
quote by Harold Pinter

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Theory of Naas
In times of yore in Ireland
The jokes came thick and fast
About the town of Naas.
They changed the way they said it.
Instead of rhyming Naas with arse
They rhymed it with a face-
Sounds like the queen says 'nice'.
Irish jokers agreed to wipe
Anal-rhyming with old Naas.
Till Joyce-he couldn't stop himself,
Insinuating smarty-arse.
Why did Joyce call the guy Athy
When he could have called him Naas?
On a map of Kildare
Two towns at a glance
Rhyme with what's found
In a character's pants.
Young Dedalus shared a sickroom
With a guy nicknamed 'a thigh'.
'an arse' it could have equally been.
Why not? I'll give it a try:
First thoughts were Joyce were a shy man
Then I guessed his mind too high class.
The truth of it is he was tickled
By the sounds of Athy and of Naas:
Just to mention Athy to an Ireman
Brings on a thought of an arse.
poem by Douglas Scotney

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Door Slams
Sunshine arrives,
as frequent as the door slams.
The rhythm of the door turns into,
Melody. His face arrives, my sunshine,
but the door slams, into greater melody.
poem by Rebecca Stansfield

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Charm School
Men made out of monkeys
Men made into mice
Happy days are here again
And all the drinks half price
A girl with a trick and a man with a calling
Trying to make a living out of your downfalling
Trying to make a living out of anything at all
Didnt they teach you anything except how to be cruel
In that charm school
You and I as lovers
Were nothing but a farce
Trying to make a silk purse
Out of a sows arse
Saying why dont you watch me
Hardly speaking sotto voce
Ive got a notion
Ive got an angle
Take your dreams and promises
And put them through the mangle
They say its hell to finance too
And I just want to romance you
In this perpetual nightclub
Ill be yours eternal
Though the hours are long
And the noise infernal
Just one shameful act or sometimes two
We make believe were making do
song performed by by Elvis Costello

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The ape
With primeval rage
a big ape sneers from a swing
and the jungle ferments in its cage
when it jumps leaving the swing jangling
with dormant hate
it gnaws on its teeth
slams a huge fist at the bars of fate
stares with a angry eye as if it can hardly breathe
shakes its whole body screaming
longing after tropical giant trees
and slams the swing leaving it ringing,
slaps with its hands at some passing bees
hating its cage, raging in calumny
and it longs to escape, to be free
poem by Gert Strydom

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Pre-Ulyssean Dilemma
Why did Joyce call the guy Athy
When he could have called him Naas?
On a map of Kildare
Two towns, at a glance,
Rhyme with what's found
In a character's pants.
Young Dedalus shared a sickroom
With a guy nicknamed 'a thigh'.
'An arse' it could have equally been.
Why not? I'll give it a try.
First thoughts were Joyce were a shy man;
Then I guessed his mind too high class.
The truth of it is, he was tickled
By the towns of Athy and of Naas.
Just to mention Athy to an Ireman
Brings on a joke of an arse.
poem by Douglas Scotney

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Sorrow Sows The Shattered Heart
Sorrow Sows The Shattered Heart
Sorrow sows the shattered heart
Mourn the last beats chance to start
Scattered to the winds impart
Pity the pieces as love departs
14 April 2008
Thrown Into This World
he may have been thrown into this world
complaining that this matter is without his
consent and he may walk like he does not
belong and would not speak their language
or adopt to their dance and songs. He may
just stand there and watch and tell that he
does not like everyone and everything and
not gain any confidence from anyone and
he may just be a nobody but a protester.
Sadly, he is thrown into this world and
Gladly, he shall be thrown out. He reaps
what he sows. He sows dislike he shall
reap disgust and that is fair enough.
poem by Ric S. Bastasa

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Life Through A Lens
Talking movies all the time
Life spent on a silver screen
Days spent on computer games
Living through a TV
No need to leave the house
You can do it all online
Sit on your fat arse all day
Getting bigger all the time
No need to go and socialise
Can meet new friends online
No need to get a lover
Cos cyber sex is fine
Life is getting easier
Your muscles wear away
Sitting on your arse all day
Watching your life turn grey.
(C) Copyright Victoria Hughes August 2005
poem by Victoria Hughes

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Their Arse From Their Elbow
There are certain people
I have met quite a few,
who could tell you every aspect
of the job you do.
When they sit down to do it
and a problem arises there,
because its not in the textbook
they read so confidently,
they haven’t got a clue
of how to handle it
or really what to do.
They don’t know
their arse from their elbow
when a situation like that appears.
As we walk through life
we gain knowledge with every step we take.
However, there are some people
who read a textbook,
and take tests on it.
Then think they know everything
there is to know.
When in fact they cannot even distinguish
their arse from their elbow.
They have no experience
of what real life is,
only what a textbook says.
One day when they
put the textbook down
and start learning about the real things in life.
We all might have a better place to live.
Let us hope the sooner the better.
10 March 2008
poem by David Harris

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He Knows I'd Love To See Him
I have lived
In the arse of the world
Oh, he knows, he knows
He knows i'd love
To see him happy
(or as close as is allowed)
I've lived
In the arse of the world ...
Oh, he knows, he knows
He knows i'd love
To see him happy
(or as close as possible)
As close as possible
As close as possible
As close as is allowed
Oh ...
My name still conjours up deadly deeds
And a bad taste in the mouth
And the police - they actually know me
They said :
"you're just another person in the world
You're just another fool with radical views
You're just another who has maddening views
You want to turn it on its head
By staying in bed !"
I said : "i know i do"
I said : "i know i do"
I said : "i know i do
song performed by by Morrissey

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Mars Landing Party
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Une prsence ambige,
Une prsence inconnue,
Jusqua ce que jen peux plus,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Une prsence ambige,
Une prsence inconnue,
Jusqua ce que jen peux plus,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Une prsence ambige,
Une prsence inconnue,
Jusqua ce que jen peux plus,
Translation
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
An ambiguous presence,
An unknown presence,
Until I cant take it anymore,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
An ambiguous presence,
An unknown presence,
Until I cant take it anymore,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
An ambiguous presence,
An unknown presence,
Until I cant take it anymore,
song performed by by Placebo

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Coping
Screams, yelling, heart break,
yelling, heart break, sorrow,
heart break, sorrow, anger,
sorrow, anger, crying,
anger, crying, tears,
crying, tears, running,
tears, running, door,
runnig, door, slams,
door, slams, locks,
slams, locks, scream,
locks, scream, grab,
scream, grab, razor,
grab, razor, cut,
razor, cut, blood,
cut, blood, relief,
blood, relief, coping
poem by Sam Campbell

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A politician is an arse upon which everybody has sat except a man
quote by E.E. Cummings

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.
quote by e.e. cummings

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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To win Grand Slams you have to be in the right frame of mind, the right physical shape.
quote by Jennifer Capriati

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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One cannot sit in two saddles having one arse/bottom only.
What have you to hide from someone who shows you his arse?
My arse contemplates those who talk behind my back.
quote by Francis Picabia

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
quote by Rowan Atkinson

Submitted by Lucian Velea
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