You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
quote by Rowan Atkinson
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Related quotes
Wishful Thinking
Stick
the blessed relief
up your derriere
if i'm going down
it's kicking and screaming
and don't lecture me
on propriety
I don't give
a rat's arse.
poem by Vince Gullaci
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Beauty Contest
Damsel in distress is quite submissive
Look how somber my vanity is
A feminine human creature
Superficial, seducing detour
Im going to the mall for the cookie cutter
The ugly duckling will always suffer
Contaminated standards, I try to fight it
I better get back on my diet
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Howd my vanity get such a mess?
Beauty contest
Im obsessed
Reduce myself, I got the strict restrictions
Not sexy enough without the regulations
A melting point countdown the fading features
Born to blossom and bloom to perish
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Oh, Ive got to get out of this mess
Beauty contest
Im obsessed
And Ive fallen, I cant help myself
Im feeling envious of all the rest
Youre bringing out the lemming in me
A victim of the cattle call disease
Not easy to be me
I feel swollen
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Howd my vanity get such a mess?
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Ive got to get out of this mess
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Howd my vanity get such a mess?
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
And I feel swollen
Howd my vanity get such a mess?
My vanitys a mess
song performed by by No Doubt
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Horse Play
Four gallant horses
galloped forth.
One was white, one was black,
one was red, one was brown.
One had four legs,
one had three,
one had two,
and the fourth had one leg.
The one-legged horse
said to the others :
the time for dance has come,
sweet friends,
let's dance on a single hoof !
All of them liked the idea,
and the dance began.
The four-legged horse fainted outright,
the three-legged horse slipped and fell,
the two-legged horse limped to a fall :
only the one-legged one
danced on and on.
poem by Ayyappa Paniker
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Spasmolytic
Kicking the (kickin')...habit (2x)
K... K.. Kicking the...habit (3x)
Making time in a low rent high-rise
Downtown!
Downtown... (11x)
Kicking the...habit (4x)
Kicking the (kickin')...habit (4x)
Downtown (8x)
Swirling tastes phornicate rotted meat (2x)
Rotted meat... (8x)
She sits alone in the worry she's created (2x)
In the worry she's created...
Kicking the...habit (4x)
K...K..Kicking the...habit (2x)
Kicking the...habit (8x)
Kickin the habit (2x)
Kicking the (kickin')...habit
Kickin the habit (2x)
No!
song performed by by Deftones
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Gone young
I stopped for some minutes
Looked away from my scribbles, littered
Pieces of papers on the table and
A glass of water that fattens the thumb
Only time knows how long;
As I glazed through the window
At the orange sun
Hanging on the west side
Little Jamie was kicking football around
With the others
He was only five,
Bare, tiny mosquito legs
On tiny rocks, stones and silt
Dogs frolic around the corner
With their undefined business
After a moment in time
I turned back
At the future soccer mockery
Jamie was gone
Like the fading light in April
That was the last I saw him
My tiny, mosquito legged star player
News came few days later
Stray bullet went through him
As hot knife through butter;
My tiny mosquito legged player
With reverie and ambition
Fizzled like smoke in the wind
I remember you Jamie;
My mosquito legged star
Faded dreams
On rocks, stones and silt
On my scribbles and poetic rubbish
Fit for publication
Adieu!
poem by Chika Nwokeoma
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I could be a bit of a pain in the arse. Since I've come out of my cancer, I must say I intend to be even more of a pain in the arse.
quote by Harold Pinter
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Theory of Naas
In times of yore in Ireland
The jokes came thick and fast
About the town of Naas.
They changed the way they said it.
Instead of rhyming Naas with arse
They rhymed it with a face-
Sounds like the queen says 'nice'.
Irish jokers agreed to wipe
Anal-rhyming with old Naas.
Till Joyce-he couldn't stop himself,
Insinuating smarty-arse.
Why did Joyce call the guy Athy
When he could have called him Naas?
On a map of Kildare
Two towns at a glance
Rhyme with what's found
In a character's pants.
Young Dedalus shared a sickroom
With a guy nicknamed 'a thigh'.
'an arse' it could have equally been.
Why not? I'll give it a try:
First thoughts were Joyce were a shy man
Then I guessed his mind too high class.
The truth of it is he was tickled
By the sounds of Athy and of Naas:
Just to mention Athy to an Ireman
Brings on a thought of an arse.
poem by Douglas Scotney
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Rock 'n' Roll
Good day
I wanna see how everybody's doing!
[cheering]
Are you feelin' good?
[yeah!]
No-no-no-no-no, listen are you feelin' good?
[louder yeah!, music starts]
Was it worth coming out tonight?
[yeah!]
Are you sure?
[yeah!]
Are you 100% sure?
[yeah!]
Everybody come rock 'n roll with me?
[yeah! one guy in particular shouts really loud]
I roll 'n' rock, rock 'n' roll
I roll 'n' rock, rock 'n' roll
Kicking up in a brainstorm
[repeated]
Umm.. uhh... rock!
[guitars]
1, 2, 3... ahh!
Kicking up in a brainstorm
Kicking up in a brainstorm
Kicking up in a brainstorm
I roll 'n' rock, rock 'n' roll
I roll 'n' rock, rock 'n' roll
Kicking up in a brainstorm
[shouting]
1, 2, 3...
Kicking out the door
Kicking out the door
Kicking out the door
1, 2, [???]
[guitars]
[drums, real funky]
Ok, [??]
This is gonna be the last one!
[no!!]
This is gonna be the last one!
Get on the stage, i wanna...
I want some people to dance with me...
Ok, don't go waste the show
song performed by by Prodigy
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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People Kicking Peace
People kicking peace!
As if they have no wishes,
To change lives unfulfilled...
And peel from foolish things.
People kicking peace...
As if they have a reason,
To camouflage their hearts....
With masking gentle ways.
They don't know...
This should not be embraced.
People kicking peace!
As if that is their purpose.
To perfect actions rehearsed!
Cursing it...
With such a quickened ease.
They don't know...
They spread a sick disease.
Stopping this...
Is what the people need!
People kicking peace.
And kept locked...
From their treasures.
No one is satisfied...
Or tries to comprehend.
They don't know...
Their problems are within.
People kicking peace!
As if they are not worthy,
To wake up and explore...
An abundant harmony!
They're overdosed,
To kick peace...
Piece by piece!
Overdosed...
And looking for the key!
Total peace,
Is what the people need.
But they're tricked...
To kick peace as a deed!
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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My Four-Legged Soul
my four-legged soul,
running wild through the night,
gnashing, gnawing, tearing,
and howling...
baying at the moon.
my four legged soul
can taste the feel,
can feel the raw....
inside the blood,
inside the flesh.
soul devours darkness,
darkness devours light.....
running wild, and free,
drenched in the moment!
my four-legged soul....
poem by Eric Cockrell
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Gore will not win a popularity contest, he will not win a personality contest, but he can win an idealogical battle, and he can win a battle of experience.
quote by Susan Estrich
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Pre-Ulyssean Dilemma
Why did Joyce call the guy Athy
When he could have called him Naas?
On a map of Kildare
Two towns, at a glance,
Rhyme with what's found
In a character's pants.
Young Dedalus shared a sickroom
With a guy nicknamed 'a thigh'.
'An arse' it could have equally been.
Why not? I'll give it a try.
First thoughts were Joyce were a shy man;
Then I guessed his mind too high class.
The truth of it is, he was tickled
By the towns of Athy and of Naas.
Just to mention Athy to an Ireman
Brings on a joke of an arse.
poem by Douglas Scotney
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Life Through A Lens
Talking movies all the time
Life spent on a silver screen
Days spent on computer games
Living through a TV
No need to leave the house
You can do it all online
Sit on your fat arse all day
Getting bigger all the time
No need to go and socialise
Can meet new friends online
No need to get a lover
Cos cyber sex is fine
Life is getting easier
Your muscles wear away
Sitting on your arse all day
Watching your life turn grey.
(C) Copyright Victoria Hughes August 2005
poem by Victoria Hughes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Their Arse From Their Elbow
There are certain people
I have met quite a few,
who could tell you every aspect
of the job you do.
When they sit down to do it
and a problem arises there,
because its not in the textbook
they read so confidently,
they haven’t got a clue
of how to handle it
or really what to do.
They don’t know
their arse from their elbow
when a situation like that appears.
As we walk through life
we gain knowledge with every step we take.
However, there are some people
who read a textbook,
and take tests on it.
Then think they know everything
there is to know.
When in fact they cannot even distinguish
their arse from their elbow.
They have no experience
of what real life is,
only what a textbook says.
One day when they
put the textbook down
and start learning about the real things in life.
We all might have a better place to live.
Let us hope the sooner the better.
10 March 2008
poem by David Harris
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Wishing I Was Lucky
I was living in a world of make believe
When my best friend wrote and told me
That there may be a job in the city
And you never told me
He would dream about another scheme
About another sordid hall of dreams
About a man whos king of industry
He would swear by his mouth almighty
He would buy the best
But never something new
And he never told me
I like kicking in the gutter and
Wishing I was lucky
Wishing I was lucky, wishing I was lucky
Oh I like kicking in the gutter
Wishing I was lucky, wishing I was lucky
Its the only life I know
Lie, lie, lie is all you ever do
To make me want to push on through
Cry, cry, cry cry is all I ever do
Say thats how you want to make me push on through
I like kicking in the gutter and
Wishing I was lucky
Wishing I was lucky, wishing I was lucky
Oh I like kicking in the gutter
Wishing I was lucky, wishing I was lucky
My best friend wrote and told me so
He said that there may be a job in the city
I like kicking in the gutter and
Wishing I was lucky
Wishing I was lucky, wishing I was lucky
I was wishing I was lucky
Hey son go, hey son go, to the city
song performed by by Wet Wet Wet
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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He Knows I'd Love To See Him
I have lived
In the arse of the world
Oh, he knows, he knows
He knows i'd love
To see him happy
(or as close as is allowed)
I've lived
In the arse of the world ...
Oh, he knows, he knows
He knows i'd love
To see him happy
(or as close as possible)
As close as possible
As close as possible
As close as is allowed
Oh ...
My name still conjours up deadly deeds
And a bad taste in the mouth
And the police - they actually know me
They said :
"you're just another person in the world
You're just another fool with radical views
You're just another who has maddening views
You want to turn it on its head
By staying in bed !"
I said : "i know i do"
I said : "i know i do"
I said : "i know i do
song performed by by Morrissey
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I believe that detente was having almost the opposite effect of what was intended. What was intended was to sort of end the contest for power and to stop Soviet expansion, especially by military means and the military build-up, the military contest.
quote by Jeane Kirkpatrick
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Know The Game Of Life
A rich man built up a stadium,
In a ground to play every game.
On the day of inauguration,
There was a big congregation.
It was a show of football match
A pleasure for them to watch
Both the teams played well
Kicking forward the football.
The rich man's father,
An illiterate old villager,
Who was the chief guest
Kept his face in utter disgust.
At the end he asked his son
Why each player wasn't given
A ball each to avoid their run
Between goals for that ball one?
A sorry figure, his son kept
At his father, a man ignorant
Of the rules of the game,
What a shame to his name?
Yes, knowledge is essential
For anyone to enjoy the thrill
Lest, in the game of life, he will
Be like a two legged bull.
poem by Rajaram Ramachandran
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Surely these women won't lose any more of their beauty and charm by putting a ballot in a ballot box once a year than they are likely to lose standing in foundries or laundries all year round. There is no harder contest than the contest for bread, let me tell you that.
quote by Rose Schneiderman
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A Strange Day
A storm broke at dawn
Trees on the power lines
Buildings were falling on the track
I was accused of raising Cuba
I never talk of Cuba
Let the Cubans take it back
A small two-legged man
Walked a big three-legged dog
He was whistling a canine master's blues
I looked down at his feet
I noticed I was wearing
Two very different kinds of shoes.
That strange kind of day -
Let it happen, let it flow
It's bound to leave you stranded anyway.
poem by Frank Bana
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