Breasts On a Plate
She needed to feel more desirable.
So she placed her breasts on a plate.
She asked our waiter what he thought!
The waiter looked at me and apologized
For not being more prompt with the check!
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
Lost in translation
At My favorite Chinese restaurant
The other day, I somehow got to thinking
about ethnicity
I wondered if there were Chinese Jews
So I asked my waiter
Explicitly:
“Do you have Chinese Jews? ”
I innocently asked
my Chinese waiter
“I don’t think so, I really don’t know,
But I’ll ask the manager and
Let you know later”
He returned in a while
And said with a smile
“no…No have Chinese Jews.”
I couldn’t believe it: a bazzillion people
No “Morrys“…“No Sheckys? ”
What astounding news! !
I queried him again
“could you check
Once more my friend? ”
He denied and replied,
“I regret to admit ItAnd don’t want
To offend
But what you ask for
Has us completely
Confused”
“So sorry to say… that for today
We have only: Grape..Orange…Tomato
and Prune Jews.”
poem by David Whalen
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Basic J
Jo the waiter spilling wine
Over some ex-friends of mine
In zero cafe number 9
What you gonna say this time
Basic j, say, are you new here
New ones walking down the stairs
Pretty young thing but no-one cares
Jo the waiter drops the tray
Do you always know your name
Jo the waiter smiled at me
Jo the waiters company
I keep him in a book by my fireside
A drama is my perfect bride
song performed by by Gary Numan
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Waiter! Bring Me Water!
He took me to--our favorite spot
A place we go to hang a lot
Something seemed to catch his eye
Oh--oo--oh over my shoulder
Oh--oo--oh over my shoulder
I turned around--to see whats up
A pretty young thing sure enough
She was new--he wanted to
Kno--oo--oh--oh--oo--ow her
Kno--oo--oh--oh--oo--ow her
Oh--yeah--
Then she flicked her hair (yeah!)
Oh--yeah--he began to stare
[chorus:]
Waiter! (waiter) bring me water!
I gotta make him keep his cool
(waiter) bring me water!
Hes acting like a fool
(waiter) bring me water!
Uh, oh, I did my best--to block his view
But it was like he could see through me
I just knew--he wanted to
Ho--oo--oh--oh--oo--oh--old her
Ho--oo--oh--oh--oo--oh--old her
Oh--yeah--i aint gettin nowhere (yeah!)
Oh--yeah--shes still standing there
[repeat chorus]
Theres gotta be a way to cool this clown--
Hes starting to embarrass me
I may even have to hose him down--
Bring me water
I dont know what he finds so distracting--
Whats so hot about her
I really dont like the way hes acting
Bring me water!
Uh, bring it on!
Uhhhh
Oh
Whats so hot about her
Uh, uh, uh,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(waiter, bring me water)
Gotta make him keep his cool
(waiter, bring me water)
Send him back to school
(waiter, bring me water)
Hes acting like a fool
(waiter, bring me water)
Waiter, bring me water
song performed by by Shania Twain
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Set On Auto-Pilot
Not only have they been,
Floating along powered by denial.
Their minds have been set on auto-pilot,
For as long as the supplies held out.
Now no one can convince them,
They must swim to shore...
Aided by their own initiative.
For them what had existed,
Is no more!
Many have chosen to ignore this warning.
With a demand for a new menu.
And a replacement of a chef...
That has never existed to prepare a new dish.
They laugh and perceive this to be an absurdity.
'Excuse me? '
And the tides are rushing ever so close,
To toss them all over a cliff.
And this...
They protest with the loudest of voices.
And wish all of this nonsense,
Be stopped by the shutting of lips.
Excuse me?
Waiter?
Waiter?
Did you see him pass us?
As if he did not hear me.
WAITER?
That's it.
He gets from me no tip! '
That is why they pass petitions.
To avoid this 'foolishness'.
'Waiter?
And he's parading around here,
With a lifejacket on.
Waiter?
I'm demanding your presence immediately.
Oh no he didn't! !
Did you see him sush me? '
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Doodlin
(h. silver/j. hendricks)
Usin? the phone booth/makin? a few calls
Doodlin? weird things/usin? the booth walls (yeah!)
Got me a big date/waitin? for my chap
A-puttin? his fine on/so he can look dap
I enjoy procrastinatin? cause Im busy while Im waitin?
Doodlin? away/yeah!
Sittin? and dinin? dinner beginin?
Started refinin? usin the linen
Talkin to my man/doodlin? my bit
Waiter got salty/told me to please quit
Told the waiter, dont be dizzy/cause you see Im very busy
Doodlin? away? oh yeah!
Those weird designs
They only show whats goin? on in weirdy minds
cause when you doodle then your noodles flyin? high
Everything rushes by might just be a thought
That you caught while coppin? a wink
Doodlin? takes you beyond what you think
And then you draw what you think, yeah!
Later the waiter/had me arrested
Took me to belleview/where I was tested
Had me a doctor/bought him a noodle
Boy he was handsome/taught him to doodle
Showed him hidden thoughts that linger/find an outlet through your
Finger
Doodle away!/oh yeah yeah!
Doctor was real nice/told me to be cool
Looked at the waiter/called him a real fool (yes he did)
Looked at my baby/told him to feel free
Got him to doodlin? so he could bug me
When he put his arms around me/quite to his surprise he found me
Doodlin? away/yeah
Oh lets doodle baby yeah
A-doodle to the left now
Doodle a little to the right yeah
Alright, doodle to the right, left, right, left
Doodle away! doodlin? takes you beyond what you think...
song performed by by Dusty Springfield
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Constantinople Line
Hey waiter
Im first class
Hey waiter
Where are we now?
Am I last
Am I last
Hey waiter
Dont talk back
These tenants speak
A travellers language
Caucasian talk
Theyre saying nothing
I see a land
As we crawl by night
I see a face
In the window in front
These stations are useful
These stations we love them
Newspaper
Encounter
Confusion
Hey waiter
Im first class
Hey waiter
What state is this?
These reptiles scream
A violent party
All art and jazz
And league of nations
I see a land
As we crawl by night
I see a face
In the window in front
The east is calling
Im feeling nervous
I love the western
Style and change
These stations are useful
These stations we love them
These stations are useful
These stations we love them
Newspaper
Encounter
Confusion
Constantinople
Red
Red star
Red
Constantinople
Red
Red star
Red
Lyrics : j kerr music : simple minds (c) emi publishing ltd reproduced without permission
song performed by by Simple Minds
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Well, isn't Bohemia a place where everyone is as good as everyone else - and must not a waiter be a little less than a waiter to be a good Bohemian?
quote by Djuna Barnes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
quote by Phyllis Diller
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Stories
She sits in the corner
Where its reasonably quiet
Drinking coffee with cream
Thinking stories of young love
She calls to the waiter
wont you lend me some time?
You can sit by my side
And Ill let you be friends with mine.
The cafe is old
But the candlelights new
She orders beaujolais wine
And says Ive thought of you too
She whispers isnt it odd
You remind me of songs
That Id rather forget
Like feelings I longed for
You haunt me inside
Sometimes I recall
Question mistakes
Who grew to nothing at all
I hear voices that cry
And one of thems mine
All the things I could say
Are the reasons I cant
She says Ive seen you before
In thoughts I call son
Like an old film with sound
When the link comes undone
The waiter is me
And the woman is you
And we are the story
Just like others I knew
song performed by by Gary Numan
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
quote by Tommy Cooper
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I furiously asked the waiter where my spoon was. He told me I was holding it in my hand. So customers are not always right.
aphorism by Valeriu Butulescu from Immensity of the Point, translated by Eva A. Ziem
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Ballad of the Thoughtless Waiter
I saw him lying cold and dead
Who yesterday was whole.
"Why," I inquired, "hath he expired?
And why hath fled his soul?
"but yesterday," his comrade said,
"All health was his, and strength;
And this is why he came to die--
If I may speak at length.
"But yesternight at dinnertime
At a not unknown café,
He had a frugal meal as you
Might purchase any day.
"The check for his so simple fare
Was only eighty cents,
And a dollar bill with a right good will
Came from his opulence.
"The waiter brought him twenty cents.
'Twas only yesternight
That he softly said who now is dead
'Oh, keep it. 'Ats a' right.'
"And the waiter plainly uttered 'Thanks,'
With no hint of scorn or pride;
And my comrade's heart gave a sudden start
And my comrade up and died."
Now waiters overthwart this land,
In tearooms and in dives,
Mute be your lips whatever the tips,
And save your customers' lives.
poem by Franklin P. Adams
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BAKED OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER by Marjorie Evasco
We take shelter from the monsoon rains
In the warm inflections of dinner
Spread out to our liking, a la carte.
The sky’s the old cliché: no limits here,
Chef’s a master at re-incarnating Lapu-lapu,
Or carving a plateful of Manansala’s heart.
Will I, I wonder, be so bold as to say
With a straight face to the waiter: we are
Carnal you see, hungry for the Other.
And we’d like everything as raw as we
Can get it in this civil place, with its piano,
Violin, china, silver, spotless linen.
You look at me, intent, your voice encodes
Bite-sized pleasures — (Kani Sushi, yes?)
Dipped desires — (Oysters Rockefeller, baked?) .
My mind scuttles the crab’s tangent
To our table, shelled; my tongue
sauces at the thought of succulents.
Even when the waiter interjects
Those Rockefellers are out of season,
What a feast live absences meant!
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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When Not To Gaze.
Have you read any Kierkegaard?
She asked her blues eyes searching
Yours almost reaching right in and
Making a grab for your soul. No
You replied wondering how many
Guys had spied her breasts tucked
Up neat and tight like some birthday
Gift and not been tempted to reach
And touch. Well you should she said
Better than that Nietzsche or Sartre
And she sat down in the chair by the
Window waving a hand for the waiter
And crossing one leg over the other.
No lady crosses her legs and sits like
That said Mother in your head some
Memory stirred. She ordered for you
Both in her best French and studied
You with silent stare and you trying
Hard not to gaze at her unclothed thighs
Breathed out deep and closed your eyes.
poem by Terry Collett
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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When I talk about my husband, I feel as if people roll their eyes. It's like when you're 16 and order a martini, and the waiter says, 'Do you think I'm stupid?'. They can't grasp that I'm old enough to be married.
The Dilatory Terrorist
'I want a curry in a hurry'
Said the man in the big car
'I think I’m going to Glasgow
Can you tell me is it far?
I forgot my AA route map
And brought the Koran instead
It’s a hard life being a terrorist
But I’ll be worshipped when I’m dead'
‘Ahah’ said the young waiter
‘Are you really one of them,
Who give their life up for the cause
Where will you strike and when? ’
With his nan and his samosas
He just smiled a knowing way
‘Ah ‘God is great and bountiful
Now I must be on my way’
‘But we have some tempting specials’
Said the young and waiting man
‘Well maybe I’ll be tempted’
And he ordered two and not just one
The route to Glasgow was explained
He now knew all the roads
And then he went to drive to there
With his incendiary load
He went outside the restaurant
He stood in shock and quaked in fear
The big car he’d arrived with in
Was no longer there - or even near
‘The bloody things been stolen’
He screamed up at the sky
‘Now what on earth do I do’
‘Oh why oh why oh why’
‘Who can you trust these godless days’
He wailed as if possessed
‘I will not be a martyr now’
He was in serious distress
The young waiter was upset for him
Than had a sudden thought
‘Tell me, sir, that car of yours
Was it rented, leased or bought? ’
'I bought it outright with some cash’
Not rented nor on lease’
‘Then, sir, let me suggest to you
You speak to the police.’
poem by David Keig
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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The Catch
You take me to the restaurant where one
plays God over a fish tank. The fat trout
pace their green cage, waiting to be taken
out of an element. Who knows what they know?
There are thirteen in a tank meant
for goldfish. I don¹t care which one I eat.
But the waiter expects a performance,
con brio. This is a ritual
solemn as wine-tasting or the Last Judgement.
Eating is never so simple as hunger.
Between the appetite and its satisfaction
falls the net, groping blindly in dark water.
The fish startle and thrash. You make your catch,
flourishing a bit for the waiter
so as not to be thought a peasant. You force
air into the trout's gills as if he were Adam,
and send him squirming toward the kitchen
to be born. Then it's my turn. I surprise
myself with my dexterity, almost
enjoying the game. A liter of wine
later, the fish return, foppishly dressed
in mushrooms and pimentos, their eyes
dreamily hazed. Darling, I am drunk. I watch you pluck
the trout's ribs out of your perfect teeth.
poem by Erica Jong
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One Meat Ball
(l. singer-h.zaret)
The little man walked up and down
To find an eating place in town
He read the menu through and through
To see what fifteen cents could do
One meat ball, one meat ball
Well, he could afford but one meat ball
He told the waiter near at hand
A simple dinner he had planned
The guests were startled one and all to hear
That waiter loudly call
One meat ball, one meat ball
Well, this here gent wants one meat ball
Little man felt very bad
One meat ball was all he had
And in his dreams he hears that call
Ya gets no bread with one meat ball
One meat ball, one meat ball
Well, you get no bread with one meat ball
Well, he could afford but one meat ball
One meat ball, one meat ball
All he could afford was one meat ball
One meat ball
song performed by by Ry Cooder
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Ignored. (a Seagull Story)
Ignored. (A seagull story)
At the seaside restaurant it was busy everyone was eating lobsters,
I tried to catch the waiters’ eye. I was ignored and got the feeling
that I was Invisible, or that I was so small that my head didn’t reached
over the table. A seagull landed on my table a beautiful bird,
yellow beak and feet, plumage snowy white its wings light grey/blue
and its eyes were green; it also had the aroma of the Atlantic Ocean.
Waiter came, looked at the bird asked what it wanted, lobster, I said
when the dish came I gave it to the bird. Got up, left and no one tried
to stop me.
poem by Oskar Hansen
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Raven, Raven
I took my children to the Zoo.
That was in March of 1993
And there was a sharp wind.
We saw a black
Raven who had stories.
'Are you thirsty, Raven? '
They asked him.
He said: 'Raven, Raven.'
'Are you hungry, Raven? '
He said: 'Raven, Raven'
'Do you have a family, Raven? '
I asked.
He said: 'Raven, Raven.'
We came back smiling
My children and I.
The children left.
We remained: sharp wind and me.
We went to my apartment:
My memories and I.
Unbearable loneliness.
I went to a pub.
The waiter asked:
'Are you thirsty or hungry?
You are not with your kids tonight? '
I replied: 'RAVEN, RAVEN.'
poem by Jankovic Zoran
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