I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.
quote by Julia Sweeney
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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All the Jokes
All the jokes have already been told
And so instead, we tell jokes about how
All the jokes have already been told
But these new jokes aren't very funny
In fact, they're actually kind of sad
So instead we tell jokes about how
All the new jokes aren't very funny
In fact, they're actually kind of sad
Because they remind us about how
All the jokes have already been told
But these jokes get old very quickly
So we make up new jokes about how
The jokes about the new jokes about how
All the jokes that have already been told
Are starting to get quite old
But after a while, once these jokes
Have gotten quite old themselves
We sit and listen to the silence
And wonder about the past, and how
All the jokes have already been told
Then suddenly, out of nowhere
Somebody comes up with a joke
That had been forgotten long ago
But is so funny we can't even breathe
So we roll on the floor, gasping for air
poem by Derek Ouyang
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Steven Wright in Standup Comedy Routine
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things.
quote by Todd Barry
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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25 Minutes To Go
They're buildin' the gallows outside my cell.
I got 25 minutes to go.
And in 25 minutes I'll be in Hell.
I got 24 minutes to go.
Well, they give me some beans for my last meal.
23 minutes to go.
And you know... nobody asked me how I feel.
I got 22 minutes to go.
So, I wrote to the Gov'nor... the whole damned bunch.
Ahhh... 21 minutes to go.
And I call up the Mayor, and he's out to lunch.
I got 20 more minutes to go.
Well, the Sheriff says, 'Boy, I wanna watch you die'.
19 minutes to go.
I laugh in his face... and I spit in his eye.
I got 18 minutes to go.
Well...I call out to the Warden to hear my plea.
17 minute to go.
He says, 'Call me back in a week or three.
You've got 16 minutes to go.'
Well, my lawyer says he's sorry he missed my case.
Mmmm....15 minutes to go.
Yeah, well if you're so sorry, come up and take my place.
I got 14 minutes to go.
Well, now here comes the padre to save my soul
With 13 minutes to go.
And he's talkin' about burnin', but I'm so damned cold.
I got 12 more minutes to go.
Now they're testin' the trap. It chills my spine.
I got 11 minutes to go.
'Cuz the goddamned thing it works just fine.
I got 10 more minutes to go.
I'm waitin' for the pardon... gonna set me free
With 9 more minutes to go.
But this ain't the movies, so to hell with me.
I got 8 more minutes to go.
And now I'm climbin up the ladder with a scaffold peg
With 7 more minutes to go.
I've betta' watch my step or else I'll break my leg.
I got 6 more minutes to go.
Yeah... with my feet on the trap and my head in the noose...
5 more minutes to go.
Well, c'mon somethin' and cut me loose.
I got 4 more minutes to go.
I can see the mountains. I see the sky.
3 more minutes to go.
And it's too damned pretty for a man to die.
i got 2 more minutes to go
I can hear the buzzards... hear the crows.
1 more minute to go.
And now I'm swingin' and here I gooooooooo....
poem by Sheldon Allan Silverstein
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Ten Minutes Aint Enough
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To have my needs satisfactorily pleased.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To know what I want before it leaves.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
There has to be a bit of teased acquaintance.
With a chat that sits.
There has to be a bit of teased acquaintance.
With eyes that are fixed.
And not drifting.
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To have my needs satisfactorily pleased.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To know what I want before it leaves.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
Some may wish a quick...
Beginning that swiftly ends.
With nothing to explore.
But an exit out a door!
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To know what I want before it leaves.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
There has to be a bit of teased acquaintance.
With a chat that sits.
There has to be a bit of teased acquaintance.
With eyes that are fixed.
And not just there to lift and drift.
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To have my needs satisfactorily pleased.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
Ten minutes aint enough,
No!
To know what I want before it leaves.
Ten minutes aint enough.
Ten minutes aint enough!
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
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It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
quote by Wanda Sykes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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30 Minutes
Mama, papa forgive me
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of time to decide
Do we run? should I hide
For the rest of my life
Can we fly? do we stay?
We could lose we could fail
And the more minutes take
To make planer, or mistakes
30 minutes, the blink of the night
30 minutes to alter our lifes
30 minutes to make up my mind
30 minutes to finally decide
30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to shelter the blame
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies
30 minutes to finally decide
Carousels in the sky
That we shape with our eyes
Under shade silhouettes casting
Shapes crying rain
Can we fly do I stay
We could lose, we could fail
Either way, options change
Chances fail, trains derail.
30 minutes, the blink of the night
30 minutes to all of our lifes
30 minutes to make up my mind
30 minutes to finally decide
30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to show her the blame
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies
30 minutes to finally decide
To decide, to decide to decide to decide
(repeat until fade)
song performed by by Tatu
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Last Five Minutes Of Your Life
given the last five minutes
of your life
what shall you do?
let the last five minutes
be a waiting
let there be that willingness
to go where the last five minutes take you
let there be a respect
for an ending
let it be as nice as the first welcome
let it be as silent as a cat's feet
on the carpet
embrace the last five minutes
like your long lost friend
tightly
without any tears.
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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I Can't Realize
I realize buds, flowers and their blooming
in the gardens of earth;
Only I can't realize their falling down from trees.
I realize clouds, rain and the sweet soft sound of its fall;
Only I can't realize the thunder.
Rivers, fields, oceans, forests, hills, mountains—
I realize them all;
Only I can't realize the deserts.
I realize fish, shark, deer and bright striped tiger;
Only I can't realize a shark beside a fish and a tiger
beside a deer.
I realize life,
many turns of life I realize very clearly;
Only the ice-cold death I can't realize any way.
poem by Sayeed Abubakar
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I Want To Wake Up
I want to wake up from this dream.
All the wretchedness.
I want to scream.
Of what lessons from this could I gleen?
Trapped inside this hideious scene.
I'm raped and pillige like a peasent village.
I want to wake up from this crack up.
I'm being held like a prison lock up.
I'll never trust in the least again.
For the fine beating at these hands I cry aloud.
For what he's taken he should not be proud.
He laughs and jokes.
Like it was all in fun.
He doesn't seem to realize just what he's done.
I want to wake up, and find it gone.
To realize it was just a dream.
That I'm still whole, pure and clean
poem by Michael McParland
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To realize the value
To realize the value of a sister ask someone who doesn't have one...To realize the value of ten years ask a newly divorced couple... To realize the value of four years ask a graduate...To realize the value of one year ask a student who has failed the final exam...To realize the value of nine months who gave birth to a still born...To realize the value of one week ask an editor of a weekly newspaper...To realize the value of one minute ask a person who has missed the train, bus, or plane...To realize the value of one second ask a person who has survived an accident...time waits for no one, treasure it even more when you share it with someone special...To realize the value of a friend or family member >Lose One...
poem by Jessica Cheng
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Much a Do About Nothing
Too much time to wait
Too much nonsense to talk
Do we realize?
We much a do about nothing
Too many thought for trivial thing
Too much pride for simple matter
Will we realize?
We much a do about nothing
Too much hatred in watching
Too much angst in reading
Could we realize?
We much a do about nothing
Too much energy to laugh
Too much bitterness to share
Though we realize
We much a do about nothing
Too many advices to keep the health
Too many rules to guide our life
And then we realize
We much a do about nothing
Too many strategies to win the battle
Too much work to pay the bill
But we realize
We much a do about nothing
Too much emotion to reason failure
Too many questions to prove loyalty
When we realize
We much a do about nothing
Too much formality for an action
Too many lies for denial
So we realize
We much a do about nothing
poem by Maria Sudibyo
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It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.
quote by Howie Mandel
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I was lucky enough to get to perform on stage in front of 20 million people on TV, and 150 thousand in concerts. For 15 minutes I got to be a rock star, the 15 minutes is great! It turns into Spinal Tap after 20 minutes.
quote by Mark Mothersbaugh
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I'm not a standup, but I play one on TV.
quote by Ana Gasteyer
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.
quote by George Mikes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I love standup and I haven't given it up.
quote by Ray Romano
Submitted by Veronica Serbanoiu
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Hopefully standup will become special again.
quote by Marc Maron
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.
quote by Rainn Wilson
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
quote by Emo Philips
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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