I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
quote by David Letterman
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Related quotes
Feel The Girl
[Intro Timbaland (Ms. Jaded)]
Ladies and gentlemen
Ladies and gentlemen
(Ms. Jade) Lay lay lay ladies and gentlemen
(Ms. Jade) Ladies and gentlemen
(Ms. Jade) Ladies and gentlemen
(Ms. Jade) Lay ladies and gentlemen
(Ms. Jade) Skrip skirt skrip lay lay
(Ms. Jade) La la la lay
Earr err err
[Verse 1 Ms. Jade]
Ms. Jade's the name comin' to ruin the game
Bringin' the thunder and rain
song performed by by Ms. Jade from Girl Interrupted
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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All the Jokes
All the jokes have already been told
And so instead, we tell jokes about how
All the jokes have already been told
But these new jokes aren't very funny
In fact, they're actually kind of sad
So instead we tell jokes about how
All the new jokes aren't very funny
In fact, they're actually kind of sad
Because they remind us about how
All the jokes have already been told
But these jokes get old very quickly
So we make up new jokes about how
The jokes about the new jokes about how
All the jokes that have already been told
Are starting to get quite old
But after a while, once these jokes
Have gotten quite old themselves
We sit and listen to the silence
And wonder about the past, and how
All the jokes have already been told
Then suddenly, out of nowhere
Somebody comes up with a joke
That had been forgotten long ago
But is so funny we can't even breathe
So we roll on the floor, gasping for air
poem by Derek Ouyang
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Come Get Me
And as a special treat this evening
I have asked America's foremost young poet
to read his latest poem for us
[scratching by DJ Premier:]
"ladies and gentlemen.."
"Na-Na-Na-Nastradamus"
"Everybody watch him"
"ladies and gentlemen.."
"Na-Na-Na-Nastradamus"
"We-we-we came a long way"
"ladies and gentlemen.."
"Na-Na-Na-Nastradamus"
"Everybody watch him"
"ladies and gentlemen.."
"Na-Na-Na-Nastradamus"
[Nas]
Yo..
Yo.. yo..
Power and crime
song performed by by NAS from Nastradamus
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Sonnet 23
Be aware gentlemen I dare say
For all those sugar coated lies
Ladies will have it their way
No matter what they can be sly
Be aware all gentlemen kind
The secrets are not in her kiss
Such confusion you will find
You'll never be sure of this
Be aware gentlemen or regret
Those gentle words and woes
Never once show her neglect
For such pain you will know
Be aware gentlemen and wise
Ladies come with many surprise
poem by Suelynn Walters
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Ladies and Gentlemen
Ladies and gentlemen,
Welcome to the queen city of Babylon
And the seven hills of ancient Rome.
Welcome to that great city, that mighty city!
For in one hour is thy judgment come.
Welcome to the geographical center of evil
Of the Earth, nay the universe.
Welcome to everyone's home town
No matter where he's from.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cincinnati!
poem by Bob Evenson
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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We are a bunch of hooligans and anarchists but we do clean up nice. … Look around, ladies and gentlemen, because we all have stories to tell and projects we need financed. Don't talk to us about it at the parties tonight. Invite us into your office in a couple days, or you can come to ours, whatever suits you best, and we'll tell you all about them. I have two words to leave with you tonight, ladies and gentlemen: "inclusion rider".
quote by Frances McDormand
Submitted by Veronica Serbanoiu
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The revelations of great men
If you do something good in return,
You aren’t good; you settled a due.
If you do something good intently,
You aren’t good; you simply invested.
If you ask pardon for a fevour,
You aren’t great; it’s a strategy.
If you give pardon to one mightier,
You aren’t great with no alternatives.
If you speak truth when comfortable
And be honest when convenient
You cannot boast of yourself as great
As any mean one could do them at ease.
You aren’t great being just in matters
Where being otherwise of no advantage.
You aren’t great with the veil you’ve made
Of good deeds to hide the ill gotten.
You aren’t great with philanthropy
From the undue or unfair wealth got.
But for few, all great men may forgive me
For the revelations made of them.
19.10.2008
poem by Rm. Shanmugam Chettiar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Hero
Outside, confidence is king
I am all that you're projecting
Inside feel the rising tide
And the revolution's deafening
I was trying to hide my opposing side
Trying to reconcile my Jeckyl and Hyde
Ladies and gentlemen listen up please
I don't want to be your hero
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
Do yourself a favor
Save yourself
Don't pick me find someone else
(Why'd you want to bother find yourself another)
Sometimes you put all of your desires in an object of affection
But in time because you idolise there is only disappointment
I was flying so high in your perfect sky
But I needed to fall cannot have it all
Ladies and gentlemen listen up please
I don't want to be your hero
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
Do yourself a favor
Save yourself
Don't pick me find someone else
(Why'd you want to bother find yourself another)
Ladies and gentlemen listen up please
I don't want to be your hero
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
Do yourself a favor
Save yourself
Don't pick me for someone else
(Why'd you want to bother find yourself another)
Don't need to compromise
I don't need to occupy the floor
There's a danger in boxing in my sin
And all that I am..
It's too much pressure
I'll only let you down again
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
It's too much pressure
I'll only let you down again
(Why'd you want to bother find yourself another)
Ladies and gentlemen listen up please
I don't want to be your hero
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
It's too much pressure
I'll only let you down again
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
Ladies and gentlemen listen up please
I don't want to be your hero
(No, I am not open parts of me are broken)
song performed by by Darren Hayes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Ladies and gentlemen, on the occasion of my election I received many letters from people representing all segments of the population and all professions, especially from the younger generation, linking my inauguration with great - far too great - expectations.
quote by Gustav Heinemann
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Kin of great men
Great men are known but their wives aren’t.
Great women are known but their husbands aren’t.
Great men’s parents and children too aren’t known.
Great men don’t bother but their kin would.
31.08.2010
poem by Rm. Shanmugam Chettiar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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The Great Unknown
They took old danny boy for a ride
From the arms of his bride to be
Threw him into the murky waters
By the dog biscuit factory
Quick dry the tears and stifle cheers
As he sinks just like a stone
Footprints set in sentimental cement
Now burden down his bones
Lest we forget
Here lies the great unknown
My my my delilah
Whos the butcher that you harbour
Take the rich man to the cleaners
And the strong man to the barber
From her face down to her torso
Sort of gruesome only more so
Hooks and eyes, fingers and thumbs
Ladies and gentlemen here she comes
The great unknown
Where shall we sing
At a wedding or a wake
Whose name shall we cherish
And for whose sake
Now this years cannon fodder
Tell the future generals jokes
They were keeping the home fires burning
As we slipped out for a smoke
Though the vips sang wooden heart
The band played hearts of oak
(chorus)
And here comes the day I shall perish all alone
Say here lies the great unknown
song performed by by Elvis Costello
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Nightflight To Venus
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the starship boney m
For our first passenger flight to venus.
Ready for count-down: 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 - ignition - lift off
Nightflight to venus
Way out there in space
Nightflight to venus
Our new favrite place
Nightflight to venus
All systems are go
Nightflight to venus
The sky is aglow
Ladies and gentlemen, weve had a successful
Take-off on this first nightflight to venus.
Our flying time will be 8 hours. well be travelling
At a speed of 2183 miles per second.
Nightflight to venus
Nightflight to venus
Captain - unidentified object at 8 oclock - 2 million miles away.
Stand by for emergency manoeuvre.
Object coming closer at the speed of light. we have 8 more seconds.
Change course by 4 point 6 degrees.
Order admitteted.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes we are going
To be landing on venus, push the button on your left side,
The safety mechanism will do the rest for you.
We hope you enjoyed the worlds first nightflight to venus,
Have a good time there.
song performed by by Boney M.
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set about what they actually look like. But, see, I personally think they'd be a great toy. So... just batteries aren't included.
quote by Kevin Sorbo
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Gentlemen of Dickens
The gentlemen of Dickens
Were mostly very poor,
And innocent of grammar,
And of parentage obscure;
But rich or poor or thriving,
Of high or lowly birth,
The gentlemen of Dickens
Were the grandest on the earth.
The gentlemen of Dickens,
They wore no fancy names—
Like Reginald or Percy
Fitzgerald or FitzJames;
But names for fools to laugh at,
That sound like hob-nailed boots,
Like Newman Noggs and Knubbles,
Toodles and Mr Toots.
They’d little save their kindness,
Their honesty and truth;
They mostly came embarrassed,
And stammering and uncouth;
But the gentlemen of Dickens,
Their women and their girls,
Could speak their minds if need be
To ladies and to earls.
But one who wore a title
A lesson, too, could teach:
Lord Feenix—Cousin Feenix
Of wandering legs and speech.
O he might teach a lesson
A gentleman could give,
Where he stands by his “lovely
And accomplished relative”.
The gentlemen of Dickens
Were gamblers now and then
(And looked upon the ladies,
No doubt, like other men);
And some of them were drunkards,
It cannot be denied;
But one washed all their sins away
When Sidney Carton died.
The gentlemen of Dickens
Are round us here to-day,
For their self-sacrificing
Brave spirits live for aye.
They cheer my heart and lift it,
They set my blood aglow,
For I was once a gentleman,
Though it was years ago.
poem by Henry Lawson
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Goodnight
Good night now ladies and gentlemen
Good night now ladies and gents.
That's the end of the show, now it's time to go.
Good night now ladies and gentlemen
Good night now ladies and gents.
That's the end of the show, now it's time to go.
Would you like to do a number with me?
Would you like to do a number with me?
Would you like to, would you like to,
Would you like to do a number with me?
(repeat 1x)
Cheap trick says goodnight!
song performed by by Cheap Trick
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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0034 Poem with which to start a Poetry Reading
Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is my first poetry reading
and I’m very nervous
and nearly cancelled tonight
but I spoke about this to
a friend who’s a therapist
and he said,
this is what you do,
you imagine the audience
in front of you
all in their underwear
(as you probably are; but
without the outer layer)
with the men
wearing the most idiotic
flowered Hawaiian
two sizes too large
boxer shorts
and the ladies
in the frumpiest
underwear
you can imagine
apparently it works
so if I look at you, ladies and gentlemen,
somewhat strangely
from time to time
or giggle uncontrollably
or my eyes rest on you personally
as if we’re sharing some huge
x-ray joke,
please forgive me
and understand
that’s it for your benefit
as well as mine
and that you will have put your outerwear
back on
in the interval
before the next poem
I hope this is OK with you
and nobody’s too embarrassed
in fact you could do the same trick
with me if it’s
any help
and now
I think I’ve said enough as
I’m OK now
how about you?
(For maximum effect, pause noticeably at the end of each line)
(with thanks to Ernestine for the idea)
poem by Michael Shepherd
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Who all expect thanks?
People go to God when there’s problem;
The problem solved, they’d go to him
Only if there are vows to be fulfilled.
No thanks giving, God’s not perturbed.
People come to you when there is problem.
The problem solved, they may fail to thank.
It doesn’t mean that they aren’t grateful.
Only the weak minded expect thanks.
08.10.2008
poem by Rm. Shanmugam Chettiar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Critic Intro
Every once in a while a band comes along that changes the course of human history, and that band is they might be giants.
Tom poston, the new york times.
Like so many things I cant understand, they left my teeth chattering for more.
Peggy cass, aquarian weekly
Maestro! I say right on!
Orson bean, sky and telescope
If you hear only one song this year, theres something terribly wrong with you.
Kitty carlyle, easy riders
Ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed. please remain perfectly still. what you are about to see is real. the performers are not grinning scarecrows sent here to torture and manipulate you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce the twin quasars of rock. please give a warm, friendly hand to they might be giants!
song performed by by They Might Be Giants
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Ladies Pay
All the sailors theyre all home from leave
And everybodys waiting for them to try to deceive
The storekeepers have drawn their lace curtains bare
And all the women and the wee young girls all waiting there
Oh, but how the ladies pay
Oh, if they only knew how the ladies pay
Yeah now, how the ladies pay
Oh, when the men theyve gone away
Nobody is standing on upon the door
And nobody is feeding any of the poor
The poor sick soldier lies in bed beside his girl
Thinking of another place on the other side of the world
Ah
How the ladies pay
Oh-oh, oh, how the ladies pay
When the men theyve gone away
Oh, I wish I knew how the ladies pay
Day and night, night and day
How the ladies pay
Day and night, night and day
How the ladies pay
Day and night
Night and day
Day and night
Day and night, night and day, ladies pay now
Night and day, day and night
How the ladies pay
Day and night, night and day
How the ladies pay
Day and night now
Night and day and now
How the pay now
Oh, how the pay now
Ladies pay, ladies pay
Ah, ladies pay the way now
Ladies pay, ah, ladies pay
Ah, ladies pay
Night and day, night and day, night and day
Oh, how the ladies pay
Oh, night and day, night and day, night and day
Oh, how the ladies pay
song performed by by Lou Reed
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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How Great
Like a mother mine was delighted she gave birth
It feels as great as we felt coming to live on earth
Great as we thought it was when joining school
Highly respectable as we perceived our graduation
with great love of money for love and infatuation
Much as we thought money made people great
Then the job made great impact on love perception
We were held higher by those thinking we were great
Our mind made us take a great pride in education
With little regards to the good great book we forgot
For great eloquence in language for communication
For great crowds of ladies and gentlemen we fought
The more lovers one has, the easier it was to feel great
How great was the lavish and satisfaction
How great the diversity and the depth we experienced
How great the comfort to feel the hardness and softness
How great on earth does it taste fornication?
How great when we fear not for our Godlessness
How great when we die is going to be our tribulation?
poem by Linus Kithinji Njeru
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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