This Crazy English Language
English is crazy, we do explore
Singular and plural, probe for more
If goose for geese and tooth for teeth
Why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
English speakers, verbally insane
Learning this language is really a pain
Index to indices, teachers taught
Why didn't those preachers praught?
Feet that smell, noses that run
Away with murder, such a pun
Play at recital, recite at play
Oral asylum, what else could it be?
poem by Noel A Medina
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I Learn And Study English
- Let’s start from the very beginning!
- Ok, I know, it’s a very good place to start.
- If you want to know how to read
you have to learn the alphabet.
As far as we are not in a race
you can face 26 letters in one phrase.
“The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog”.
Now we’ll have some dialogue.
You’ll see how new words appear,
I hope everything will be clear.
For example: to admire – admiration,
to inspire – inspiration. Now you, please!
And pray be at your ease!
- To desire – desiration.
- Oops! My voice whoops!
Well, when you study English
you have to distinguish:
one goose but many geese.
-What about a moose?
Are they meese?
- A lone mouse can transform into…
a whole set of mice,
but… it’s impossible for a single house
to become a whole block of hice.
- Ok, a house – houses.
Why not a mouse – mouses?
- A tooth but teeth, a foot but feet.
If I speak of a foot
and you show me your feet.
- And if I give you a boot
would a pair be called beet?
Can I say a root
and in plural form reet?
- Let’s make this question complete!
There are a lot of exceptions
in the language of British nations.
Anyway, the rules are the tools
for learning the language,
and together with the exceptions
it is something like a sandwich.
Let’s go on! - said my teacher with a yawn.
A lot of time has already gone,
I am not going to stay here until the dawn.
Do you like to read?
- Of course! The books are the source of information,
to learn the language formation.
- Ok, then you are a reader.
- If I like to write I am a writer, am I not?
- Oh, yes! Something I forgot.
Let’s take an easy word “ball”.
- Yes, I like to play football.
- Good! Now open the ball!
- What do you mean by that?
I am not a rat so that to cut the ball.
It’s not funny at all.
- You are kidding!
- Oh, no! I am not a kid!
I would like to know where the meaning of that “ball” lead.
- Ok, in that phrase “ball” has the meaning of a party,
but… a bit more arty.
- There are a lot of other English words I can’t understand.
Why do they call all men gentlemen?
Are they all gentle?
This word looks so fundamental.
If a man is rude can I say a rudeman?
I wouldn’t like to look like a clown
That’s why I ask you again:
Will the difference remain
If I say: shut up or shut down?
I would also like to know:
If we say a teacher taught
why can’t we say: a preacher praught?
If people from Poland are called “Poles”
Why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes”
- Ok, I think our time has gone
and the whole picture of English was not yet drawn.
But at the end of our lesson I would like say:
You were lying all day.
- Oh, no! That’s not true!
I lay on the sofa just several times.
You had better tell me:
With just what “lie” rhymes?
Larisa R (Odessa, Ukraine)
poem by Larisa Rzhepishevska
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Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
quote by Kinky Friedman
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Riddle 4
MY First is singular at best:
More plural is my Second:
My Third is far the pluralest -
So plural-plural, I protest
It scarcely can be reckoned!
My First is followed by a bird:
My Second by believers
In magic art: my simple Third
Follows, too often, hopes absurd
And plausible deceivers.
My First to get at wisdom tries -
A failure melancholy!
My Second men revered as wise:
My Third from heights of wisdom flies
To depths of frantic folly.
My First is ageing day by day:
My Second's age is ended:
My Third enjoys an age, they say,
That never seems to fade away,
Through centuries extended.
My Whole? I need a poet's pen
To paint her myriad phases:
The monarch, and the slave, of men -
A mountain-summit, and a den
Of dark and deadly mazes -
A flashing light - a fleeting shade -
Beginning, end, and middle
Of all that human art hath made
Or wit devised! Go, seek HER aid,
If you would read my riddle!
poem by Lewis Carroll from Four Riddles
Submitted by Veronica Serbanoiu
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Teeth
English Teeth, English Teeth!
Shining in the sun
A part of British heritage
Aye, each and every one.
English Teeth, Happy Teeth!
Always having fun
Clamping down on bits of fish
And sausages half done.
English Teeth! HEROES' Teeth!
Hear them click! and clack!
Let's sing a song of praise to them -
Three Cheers for the Brown Grey and Black.
poem by Spike Milligan
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Finglish
I am from Finland and i speak 'Finglish'!
Because i am learning the English language and,
It always infuses with my Finnish.
I am learning to keep me going but,
I do speak my English like 'Finglish'! !
And i always try to enforce the truth of my peace like,
The subconscious act from my mind to muse up things:
But i am unaware of your love.
Try to keep me informed on this love and,
Try to teach me the English language so that i cam be with you;
For the heavens and the earth do know how i do speak.
Keep me on the tracks of your love and teach me more!
For one day i will learn the English language very well;
And i will be ready to teach you my Finnish language as well.
poem by Edward Kofi Louis
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yes, what if God does not speak english at all?
you were not born yesterday
and probably heard it before
that if your God does not speak english
then he must not be God
of course, something arrogant
hangs in the air
of this effortless superiority that
'englishers'
'english-plongplangs'
clai m, which, of course, we
always oppose and dub
as prettry dumb silly
but anyhow, yes, we are asked again
what if?
what if, this God, does not really speak English?
well, of course, he is still God
and he must not have considered the english language
that important
and i agree, even if i speak it,
i still have this language
of my soul,
albeit, in english, for you,
who does not speak my own language,
yes, of course, for you to perhaps
understand,
but i like it though, this thought
that God does not speak
the english language, lest, he may sound
so englishly, oh well,
arrogant.....
dear God
do you really...not speak english?
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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A little word called crazy!
A little word called crazy
Which people use when they are being lazy.
The word crazy covers a multi of goods and ills
Mad, bad, sad, cool
or even acting the fool.
It’s used in our everyday language
But it’s often misunderstood
But it fits into sentences so well (and so good)
Sometimes you can’t seem to see the origins for this word
it sounds so absurd the way its used and abused
like crazy baby, crazy sin, a crazy outer and a crazy in!
Crazy actually means mad insane or foolish
so says the dictionary
but you can be crazy in love with someone
perhaps we are all crazy to be using this word
maybe it’s so absurd that you can use it in so many ways
in everyday life.
But the English language is good like that!
poem by Daniel Hooks
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Who's To Blame
Oh Mother Ghana; Mother Ghana
What has happened to you?
What has happened to your culture?
They say we've fold arms against 'Vernacular' language
Instead opened arms wide to 'English' language
Oh Mother Ghana Mother Ghana
Why?
At school, we are taught the things we do not know
By the 'English' language
Why not 'Vernacular' language?
Oh Mother Ghana, Oh Mother Ghana
Where is your true identity as pure African?
Where is your pride as true Ghanaian?
Oh Mother Ghana, Oh Mother Ghana,
Day after day
When we put on the uniform as students
We are forbidden to speak 'Vernacular' language
Instead the 'English' language
Why Mother Ghana, why Mother Ghana?
When we speak 'Vernacular' language; your culture,
They say: 'Speak English' someone's culture!
When we speak 'English' that someone's culture
They say: 'Abrofosem; speak vernacular language' your culture!
Oh Mother Ghana, Oh Mother Ghana
Who's to blame?
'English or Vernacular language'
Oh Mother Ghana; Oh Mother Ghana.
poem by Francis Julian Zewu
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The Goose who Loved Golf
On the flight path down from Quebec
in the recent past, they say,
The lead goose saw a foursome
on the fairway, hard at play.
Their clothing was intriguing
Bright Argyles and Staid plaids
Little lackeys followed them,
carrying their bags.
The goose brigade lost interest
in proceeding South that day.
Instead they landed on the course
intent on watching play.
The lead Goose now spent all his time
At Bethpage, on the Black,
and honked golf commentary
to all his fledgling flock.
This lead Goose was the First,
brave Avian pioneer,
who broke the pattern going South-
instead he wintered here.
The Geese are protected by the law,
so we have no recourse.
We can't hunt down these honkers
who are greasing up the course.
Within one human lifetime-
a revolutionary change.
the geese have all stopped flying South
They're students of the game.
poem by John F. McCullagh
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Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder” (The Billion-Dollar Question)
We must all stay aware…..,
Of the Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder….,
It’s been increasing for years….,
The Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….! ! !
Can’t dare turn our backs….,
On the Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….,
It’ll sneak up and kill us…,
The Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….! ! !
It’s hard to believe and conceive….
The Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….,
That’s why so many are blind….,
To the Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder …! ! !
We’ve seen the bloody attacks…..,
Of the Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….,
So we must face the facts….,
On the Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….! ! !
Yes they’re after us all…,
The Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….,
Their radical religion condones it….,
The Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder ….! ! !
Can we control it or stop it….,
So it won’t go any further….? ? ?
That’s the billion-dollar question….,
On the Insane Culture Of Mass-Murder …! ! !
poem by Trade Martin
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Pardon My English
Please pardon my English
sorry I did not understand?
It is not your English
which is not at fault.
These native speakers
are speaking in idioms.
Idioms are fixed expressions
with nonliteral meanings.
A natural way of using language.
A natural way for native speakers to speak.
Your problem arises
because a fixed
distinctive expression
whose meaning
cannot be deduced
from the combined
meanings of its
actual spoken words
is not directly translatable.
Jargon and accents
betray speakers
places of origins
social background
and educational
class privileges
intonation inflection
betray mood character.
Note a
greater stress
emphasis
in pronouncing
a syllable
within a word
or a word
within a phrase.
An aspect
of situation
or issue
that is
emphasized
reveals
each speakers
main emphasis.
The best
speakers
are employing
contrasting
detail because
contrasting
decorative
features used
adds interest.
However
the most
persuasive
speakers
weight
their argument
with
lateral thinking
outside
the box
revealing
themselves
to be
master
orators
par excellent.
poem by Terence George Craddock
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English Girls Can Be So Mean
English girls are pretty when they play guitar
Crazy like a day just a-breaking I ain't sure what for
Ain't got a mother or father or place to fall
I care alright
Said you didn't love me, didn't want a thing, English girls can be so mean
She's got eyes as pretty as a pair of jewels
Falling down a canyon like a couple drunken criminals
She had a messy bedroom on the edge of town
I ain't ever been good enough to ever keep around
it'll be alright
Said you didn't love me, didn't mean a thing, English girls can be so mean
But, ohh, look at you now
Ohh, look at you now
Mmmm, best I've ever seen
Just a tall drink of water, just a-pourin' on down the sink
Tall drink of water, she's a Norfolk waterfall
Little daybreaker, she's a shootin' like a cannonball
Crazy like a rocket when you're coming through my radio
Kept me in your bed till the wintertime turned to fall
Fall time coming, and I guess my little bird can sing
Come on Elizabeth, a come on a Bethany
Come on further, I'm tired and I want to sleep
My little dove do, and I guess she was done with me
it'll be alright
Said you didn't love me, didn't want a thing, English girls can be so mean
But ohh, look at you now
Ohh, look at you now
Mmmm, best I've ever seen
Just a tall drink of water, just a-pourin' on down the sink
Kiss me on the lips when my heart just laughed it off
Words may move, but there never moving fast enough
Celebrate the differences, I celebrate the songs you sing
Just three words, my love: you meant everything
You meant everything
You meant everything
You meant everything
song performed by by Ryan Adams
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Language That The Poor Wants To Speak
do you speak good English?
do you take pride in it and then use it to impress others
and swindle them
into a belief that they are inferior?
they have feelings too
of humiliation
which even in such a sad state
wish that their humiliation
speak good English still
they always think that English will give them
a good job
a better standing in the society
a flare of fashionable tongue
you make them cry
but still they want to speak that cry in English too
foolish!
but can you blame them?
you who hold that power and might
you who have taken all what they once had
and made them
worse within
themselves
despite which,
they still want to be like you
to speak like you
a god
how sad!
you have never known the language of love
the grammar of generosity
the syntax of sympathy
that language that good English
sometimes has forgotten
to utter
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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English Girls Approximately
English girls are pretty when they play guitar
Crazy like a day just a-breaking I ain't sure what for
Ain't got a mother or father or place to fall
She got a brother in the (blues / booze), but he doesn't know the blues at all
Said you didn't love me, it was right on time, I was just about to tell you but ok alright
Said you didn't love me, didn't want a thing, English girls can be so mean
She's got eyes as pretty as a pair of jewels
Falling down a canyon like a couple drunken criminals
She had a messy bedroom on the edge of town
I ain't ever been good enough to ever keep around
Said you didn't love me, it was right on time, I was just about to tell you but ok alright
Said you didn't love me, didn't mean a thing, English girls can be so mean
But, ohh, look at you now
Ohh, look at you now
Mmmm, best I've ever seen
Just a tall drink of water, just a-pourin' on down the sink
Tall drink of water, she's a Norfolk waterfall
Little daybreaker, she's a shootin' like a cannonball
Crazy like a rocket when you're coming through my radio
Kept me in your bed till the wintertime turned to fall
Fall time coming, and I guess my little bird can sing
Come on Elizabeth, a come on a Bethany
Come on further, I'm tired and I want to sleep
My little dove do, and I guess she was done with me
Said you didn't love me, it was right on time, I was just about to tell you but ok alright
Said you didn't love me, didn't want a thing, English girls can be so mean
But ohh, look at you now
Ohh, look at you now
Mmmm, best I've ever seen
Just a tall drink of water, just a-pourin' on down the sink
Kiss me on the lips when my heart just laughed it off
Words may move, but there never moving fast enough
Celebrate the differences, I celebrate the songs you sing
Just three words, my love: you meant everything
You meant everything
You meant everything
You meant everything
song performed by by Ryan Adams
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Strictly deictic
Just a nobody
Doing something
To persons singular plural
In the name of somebody
Strictly deictic
Anaphorically cataphorically
Disoriented discourse
Crying for a hypertext
Interpreting texterpreting
Archeological planes layers
Flying down the bottomless pit
Of lg meaning pluralism prisms
You want rational irrational to wipe away
Little wet wipes to disinfect
Make it more simple access no denied
But it does not work
There they did it
Deictic addicts quite auxiliarly verbally void
Of context
To wipe away the subjects objects complementary burdens
Strictly functionally practically
Might be easier to live that way
Send their faces to the stars
That never refused to accept them
The future is a bride-to-be a bridge-to-be
Crossing for a somebody who dared to cross
It might ask pronominally
Was it the same way
The day you gave the names
To all the animals
poem by Miroslava Odalovic
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Pronunciation Problem
Easily written poems mixing
languages Indonesian plus English.
Alas fatal flaw is found in
communication pronunciation problem.
Rhyming Indonesian words are
incorrectly pronounced by English speakers.
Compounding this problem English
is spoken by very few Indonesians.
poem by Terence George Craddock
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Indefinite Pronouns and the Universe
He said;
his arm flowing outward;
'The problem of the 21st Century
is the Indefinite Pronoun.
We're all everyone and no one
indefinite;
pronoun, but not a noun
the universal vagueness
of time, meaning, and identity,
rather like the cloud of electrons
flying around the nucleus of the atom
there and not there;
but capable of being anywhere
or in two places at the same time;
holding many beliefs constantly shifting,
feeling fervently one thing and its opposites
the next minute,
being who am I this minute
and not who I am the next minute;
in a world changing fast
speeding up
and speeding up faster
and faster;
indistinct
shadowy
flashing lights
spark
racing by
approaching
and not approaching the speed of light.
There I'm me, us
none of us;
we,
I
have said it;
both me?
The Indefinite Pronoun Defined
'Singular: another, anybody, anyone, anything, each, either, everybody, everyone, everything, little, much, neither, nobody, no one, nothing, one, other, somebody, someone, something
Plural: both, few, many, others, several.
Singular or Plural: all, any, more, most, none, some'
--
Is this a bizarre definition or what?
More bizarre, if this definition is literally true.
Modern Physics says this definition is literally true;
an accurate description of us and the universe
in which we live,
things popping in and out of existence.
We live in this universe and most likely have to come to
understand, like the indefinite pronoun,
we too, as individuals
and as collectives,
pop in and out of existence.
Not duality,
but multiplicities.
How else to explain
how we can harbor contradictory
beliefs;
sometime many many
in a single day?
And feelings too.
Am I changed in all of this
or merely your view of me?
Devil or Saint?
Depends apparently
upon what
time it is.
poem by Lonnie Hicks
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Being bilingual
There is something
in being bilingual
and when I grew up
we were forced
to take both
official languages at school
being English and Afrikaans.
It was another thing
to be taught maths in English,
when your home language is Afrikaans
and where I was taught in Afrikaans
up till then,
at a school that was
supposed to be
double medium
and to really struggle
with unknown terms
and not being able to comprehend
and to this day
I despise Mrs. Ritchie
who thought that I was stupid
and without the teacher caring
or being able
to teach in Afrikaans
I struggled along
but at university
a professor teaching
Algebra and Calculus
really did care
and taught me well.
poem by Gert Strydom
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T.N.T For The Brain (Night Girl Remix)
Smell your skin
Feel your breath
You on my side
I couldn't resist
I hope I'll understand some day
What's the meaning of this crazy game
It is real and pure
T.N.T. for the brain
If there's no pain
Rules are still the same
I'm with you, just lead me
I'm ready to play
T.N.T. for the brain
Don't be scared and have no fear
I will show you what it means
If there's no pain
Rules are still the same
I'm with you, just lead me
I'm ready to play
T.N.T. for the brain
What you feel is insane
It is love and not a game
T.N.T. for the brain
song performed by by Enigma
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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T.n.t. For The Brain
(michael cretu)
.
Smell your skin
Feel your breath
You on my side
I couldn't resist
.
I hope i'll understand some day
What's the meaning of this crazy game
It is real and pure
.
T.n.t. for the brain
.
If there's no pain
Rules are still the same
I'm with you, just lead me
I'm ready to play
.
T.n.t. for the brain
.
Don't be scared and have no fear
I will show you what it means
.
If there's no pain
Rules are still the same
I'm with you, just lead me
I'm ready to play
.
T.n.t. for the brain
.
What you feel is insane
It is love and not a game
T.n.t. for the brain
song performed by by Enigma
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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