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One falls to the ground in trying to sit on two stools.
quote by Francois Rabelais
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Dr. Donohue
If you can't believe Dr. Donohue
in his syndicated column
when he addresses matters medical,
then 'whom, ' as my mother
would have said, 'can you believe? '
Fair enough, I thought.
And so when recently the doctor told
a reader not to worry
even though her 'stools float, '
I took comfort.
Apparently, she had read
that floating stools are symptomatic
of a strange condition often dangerous.
I hope Dr. Donohue is right
because if not, I've got a problem.
Not all my stools float, but the lunkers do.
And what if on a given day a lunker leaps
like a dolphin capering in a Florida bay
and crashes against my bathroom ceiling?
What do I do then, Doc, duck?
poem by Donal Mahoney
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I could be a bit of a pain in the arse. Since I've come out of my cancer, I must say I intend to be even more of a pain in the arse.
quote by Harold Pinter
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Theory of Naas
In times of yore in Ireland
The jokes came thick and fast
About the town of Naas.
They changed the way they said it.
Instead of rhyming Naas with arse
They rhymed it with a face-
Sounds like the queen says 'nice'.
Irish jokers agreed to wipe
Anal-rhyming with old Naas.
Till Joyce-he couldn't stop himself,
Insinuating smarty-arse.
Why did Joyce call the guy Athy
When he could have called him Naas?
On a map of Kildare
Two towns at a glance
Rhyme with what's found
In a character's pants.
Young Dedalus shared a sickroom
With a guy nicknamed 'a thigh'.
'an arse' it could have equally been.
Why not? I'll give it a try:
First thoughts were Joyce were a shy man
Then I guessed his mind too high class.
The truth of it is he was tickled
By the sounds of Athy and of Naas:
Just to mention Athy to an Ireman
Brings on a thought of an arse.
poem by Douglas Scotney
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Acts And Arts
A message to the Adonetenhene,
A message to the Nkantahene,
A message to the Nkosohene,
A message to the Akoforehene,
A message to the Atimpimhene,
A message to the Akyempimhene,
To exercise decorum on your stools;
Because the tidal waves of the sea is like,
The messages from your stools!
A message to the Tepahene,
A message to the Omanhene,
Like a woman who is at the threshing floor;
So, try to redeeem the land and this woman too.
I know what i am writing and saying,
Because i am a woman too;
And o spread out your hands ín prayer is what i know,
Like the firstling of a donkey which shall bwe redeeemed with a lamb.
To you i do write oh Rulers of this land,
For Yahweh want it so and so shall it be;
But, there is no one like Yahweh!
Of the secret acts and arts in your traditional areas,
Of the power of your works that we do see as well;
But the first of the moon of the year is Abib,
And it is the moon of green Ears of Barley.
Do your best oh Rulers of this land and,
Let us enjoy the fruits of your Kingdoms;
And to exercise the decorum on your stools matters to me.
poem by Edward Kofi Louis
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Falls On Me
You see me hanging round
starting to swear about this black hole you've dug for me
and silently within hands touchin skin shock
breaks my disease and i can breath
and all of your weights
all you dream falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breath
falls on me
it falls on me ahha
Your faith like a pain
it draws me in again
she washes all my wounds of me
darkness in my veins
I never could explain
and i wonder if you have ever see
Will you still believe
and all of your weights
and all that you dream
falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breath
falls on me
it falls on me
am I that strong
to carry on
have i changed your life
have i changed my world
could you save me ahhhhha
and all of your weights
all you dream
falls on me
it falls on me
and you beautiful sky
the light you breath
falls on me
it falls on me
and all of your weights
all you dream falls on me
it falls on me
and your beautiful sky
the light you breath
falls on me
it falls on me
ahhhhaha yea ahhhah yea
song performed by by Fuel
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Pre-Ulyssean Dilemma
Why did Joyce call the guy Athy
When he could have called him Naas?
On a map of Kildare
Two towns, at a glance,
Rhyme with what's found
In a character's pants.
Young Dedalus shared a sickroom
With a guy nicknamed 'a thigh'.
'An arse' it could have equally been.
Why not? I'll give it a try.
First thoughts were Joyce were a shy man;
Then I guessed his mind too high class.
The truth of it is, he was tickled
By the towns of Athy and of Naas.
Just to mention Athy to an Ireman
Brings on a joke of an arse.
poem by Douglas Scotney
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When The Rain Falls Down
when the rain falls down it awakes my dream
when the rain falls down it washes me clean
when the rain falls down it screams my scream
when the rain falls down it follows me
when the rain falls down it carrys me
when the rain falls down it unties me
when the rain falls down it talks to me
when the rain falls down im comin clean
when the rain falls down. down on me.
poem by Alyssa Swensen
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I want a girl
I want a girl
Wrapped deep from the cold
Snug warm in her wool hat and scarf
I want a girl
All round to be hold
Red tip on her nose makes me laugh
I want a girl
Who faces, no cares
The chill and the freeze with such class
I want a girl
Who smiles, no tears
When she slips and she falls on her arse
I want a girl
At the end of the day
To take home, unwrap and revive
I want a girl
Who’s happy this way
Content to just feel alive.
poem by Chris Dawson
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Life Through A Lens
Talking movies all the time
Life spent on a silver screen
Days spent on computer games
Living through a TV
No need to leave the house
You can do it all online
Sit on your fat arse all day
Getting bigger all the time
No need to go and socialise
Can meet new friends online
No need to get a lover
Cos cyber sex is fine
Life is getting easier
Your muscles wear away
Sitting on your arse all day
Watching your life turn grey.
(C) Copyright Victoria Hughes August 2005
poem by Victoria Hughes
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Their Arse From Their Elbow
There are certain people
I have met quite a few,
who could tell you every aspect
of the job you do.
When they sit down to do it
and a problem arises there,
because its not in the textbook
they read so confidently,
they haven’t got a clue
of how to handle it
or really what to do.
They don’t know
their arse from their elbow
when a situation like that appears.
As we walk through life
we gain knowledge with every step we take.
However, there are some people
who read a textbook,
and take tests on it.
Then think they know everything
there is to know.
When in fact they cannot even distinguish
their arse from their elbow.
They have no experience
of what real life is,
only what a textbook says.
One day when they
put the textbook down
and start learning about the real things in life.
We all might have a better place to live.
Let us hope the sooner the better.
10 March 2008
poem by David Harris
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He Knows I'd Love To See Him
I have lived
In the arse of the world
Oh, he knows, he knows
He knows i'd love
To see him happy
(or as close as is allowed)
I've lived
In the arse of the world ...
Oh, he knows, he knows
He knows i'd love
To see him happy
(or as close as possible)
As close as possible
As close as possible
As close as is allowed
Oh ...
My name still conjours up deadly deeds
And a bad taste in the mouth
And the police - they actually know me
They said :
"you're just another person in the world
You're just another fool with radical views
You're just another who has maddening views
You want to turn it on its head
By staying in bed !"
I said : "i know i do"
I said : "i know i do"
I said : "i know i do
song performed by by Morrissey
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Mars Landing Party
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Une prsence ambige,
Une prsence inconnue,
Jusqua ce que jen peux plus,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Une prsence ambige,
Une prsence inconnue,
Jusqua ce que jen peux plus,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Embrasse - moi, mets ton doigt dan mon cul,
Une prsence ambige,
Une prsence inconnue,
Jusqua ce que jen peux plus,
Translation
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
An ambiguous presence,
An unknown presence,
Until I cant take it anymore,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
An ambiguous presence,
An unknown presence,
Until I cant take it anymore,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
Kiss me, put your finger up my arse,
An ambiguous presence,
An unknown presence,
Until I cant take it anymore,
song performed by by Placebo
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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While between two stools my tail go to the ground.
Between two stools, you fall to the ground.