Plumbing (or) The Taming Of The Spew
He called to his wife, sounding, oh so, bereft
“Water just spewed right out of the sink
I just turned the faucet a bit to the left
It’s not my fault, I really don’t think”
The wife replied, “you go to work. I’ll call the plumber”
“Which one? ”, The wife’s husband did ask
“Don’t worry”, she said, “I have his number
The plumber best fit for the task”
The husband then left, as his job did come first
And she quickly got on the phone
She called up this man, the man of her thirst
The plumber with love undertone
He’d been there before, when her pipes needed fixing
When he laid right under the sink
With a large dose of grease, he gave them a slicking
This plumber sure was in the pink
When her husband came home, the spewing had ceased
He found all the plumber’s work done
She never let on just how well she’d been greased
Or how plumbing could be so much fun
poem by Stanley Cooper
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
The Plumbing Song
(announcer: who fixes plumbing problems in a flash? twenty four hours a day? seven days a week? )
Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand
But plumbings one thing I dont understand
Its true (havent got a clue)
B-b-b-baby, I can tell youve got a big problem
When I flush the john, then your shower goes on
(baby) now watcha gonna do?
If dranos a joke and your plunger is broke
Baby, call the mensch with a monkey wrench
(baby) hell be there for you
Showers backing up (up, up)?
Water wont go down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Dont forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Sinks been stopped up all summer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call the plumber
Hell know what to do
Pipes been blowing up
Pipes been breaking down
And the carpets soaked... right through
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, kitchens flooded, too
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, girl, you know its true
B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawer
If he works for one day, costs you half a years pay
(baby) he can be here by 2:00
So if youve got cash, hell be there in a flash
Makin service calls in his overalls
(baby) hell do his best for you
Sewers backing up (up, up)?
Got you feelin down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Dont forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Leaky pipes are a bummer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Time to call the plumber
Maybe call a few
Got a problem with plumbing?
Gotta blame it on something
Blame it on the drain it was cloggin, cloggin
Blame it on the faucet that drips all night
If hairballs, grease and goo
Wont let the water through
Blame it on the drain, yeah, yeah
When I flush the john, now when I flush the john
It turns your shower on
(roto-rooter 6-5000)
Ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call my plumber
Hell know what to do
(announcer: call now. were in the yellow pages!)
song performed by by Weird Al Yankovic
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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An Amnesiac Remembers
The amnesiac who had forgotten that his name was Albert
Woke up one day as George
The amnesiac who called himself George
Woke up one day and forgot his name was George despite being born
Albert, and called himself Mary
Mary Shelly after his great Aunt Ada who liked to be called mary on her days off
But the amnesiac forgot why he wanted to be called mary and quickly changed his name to harry
Then one day while looking through the telephone directory to find his own address he remembered that his name was Albert
And that he had killed his dog and strangled his wife in an argument
about house work and cleaning fluids
Her body was buried somewhere in the back garden along with the dog
He was thankful that he couldn't remember exactly where
And went to bed and tried in vain
To forget it all again
When he awoke he forgot his name, was Albert
And called himself Jack, Jack the Ripper
And then he remembered he had murdered his wife and squashed the cat
He had sliced her in half with his black and decker chain saw
And mistaken the cat on the chair for a cushion
The cat was an accident he couldn't forget
He remembered that he had strangled the vet
Who he met by chance at the door
Who caught a glimpse of the cat's lifeless paw
He had seen too much to live
But Jack had a mind like a sieve
And went to bed hoping it was all just a dream
And that they were well and still lived
When he awoke he recalled that the vicar had called
And had made a scene
And he was appalled to find strange bodies heaped in the hall
Including a plumber a town crier and ex beauty queen
Plus a pensioner from number 23 and a man who had come to fix the T.V
Speechless the amnesiac returned to his bed
Swallowed a hundred blue pills
By morning his wife found him dead
The coroner reported 'Death by misadventure victim appears to have choked on his denture
A happy father of three
He liked to read and watch the T.V
He was insomniac forgetful at times
But his record was 'clean' he'd committed no crimes
He leaves behind, a wife a cat a dog three kids, a retired vicar
A plumber an ex beauty queen an anonymous man who had come to fix the T.V
And a black an decker chain saw
May he Rest In Peace
poem by Yvette Smith
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Are You a Good Husband?
All married men want to be called a good husband
A good husband is a decent husband
Mr. Husband what you done to deserve this decency?
Has your wife ever referred to you as her good husband?
It is known that the eyes cannot see itself
Unless by reflection. Have you ever asked
Your wife for a performance appraisal
Honey, how did I perform last year?
On a scale of one to ten, one for very poor
Ten for excellent, how did I perform?
Your wife may think you are now on new drugs
If you receive less than six, you need to
Start fence mending before it is too late
A good husband sees his wife as his friend
A nice husband treats his wife as his lover
A decent husband regards his wife as a soul-mate
You should anticipate what your wife
Will need before she makes any request
By the way, have you ever bought a gift
For your wife without an occasion?
Do you have to wait for her birthday?
To inform her that she is very special to you?
Do you have to wait for your wedding anniversary?
To tell her that she is the best thing in your life
When last did you talk to your wife in-laws?
When last did you visit your wife in-laws?
What have you done to be called a good husband?
Ask for performance appraisal on a regular basis
Remember, if you make your wife happy
You will get happiness in return
poem by Julius Babarinsa
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Family life
At home
Husband
And wife...
Some time fighting...
Word's to words...
With bad words...
Sometime hit
The husband wife
Mistakes...
Wife was crying...
Husband was woory...
Wife also
Lovingely hit...
Husband also take easy...
At night husband
Wanted wife
For sex...
Wife will say
Backpain acting
Going for
Hear with life
Every day
At familylife...!
poem by Otteri Selvakumar
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blocked sink
the children finally get
to know a plumber
haiku by John Tiong Chunghoo
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Broken Faucet
force of water
on the faucet
the plumber is
sick with hay fever
reading a book
titled
Conversations
with God
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Pretty woman
Pretty woman.
But wife is beautiful.
Pretty woman is hot.
But wife is the sexiest.
Pretty woman is just for sex.
But a wife is to make love.
Wife is a forbidden fruit.
To you and all.
and wife is more caring.
Be at home and by her husband.
and wife is the husband diamond.
And the husband love making love to her.
That no other women can.
Make him feel so good.
and her husband always in love.
With her.
And wife is the husband success.
Loving and warm full happiness.
She bears our children. And
She is the most gifted darling.
poem by See Fee Lee
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Staff Meeting at Auschwitz
We dare not tell
the Fuehrer that
we failed to get
the rabbi's wife
to tell us where
the rabbi is so
now we have to
call the plumber.
Tell Old Franz
to bring his drill.
He has a way
with women.
Old Franz
will have to
rod this lady out
so we can ask her
once again
where the rabbi is
and if she still
won't tell us
Franz will have to
rod her out again.
Remember Mrs. Stein,
zaftig in her dirndl?
She wouldn't tell us
where the cantor
and his wife were
hiding till she saw
Old Franz's drill
and then she told us
where they were
and we found 30 more
silent in the attic.
If Mrs. Stein were
still alive, she'd tell
the rabbi's wife
about the drill
and that would
be enough to save
Old Franz a trip.
He's getting weary.
He had to use
a cane the night
he came to call
on Mrs. Stein.
poem by Donal Mahoney
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It's still about the women. It's not called Desperate Plumber. People are more interested in cat fights.
quote by James Denton
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A plumber is an adventurer who traces leaky pipes to their source.
quote by Arthur Baer
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A Poem
A poem in three stages
Whilst eating a meat pie
She embraced vegetarianism
Hidden under the weight of his opinions
[and ever expandng girth]
He 'PUBLICLY DENOUNCED]
third world poverty and hunger
[as he reached for his KING SIZED MARS BAR]
On the coroners report it stated
'Pipes blocked and furry'
'I knew it was his pipes' his wife cried[too late]
'Stupid man, he called the plumber, when I said PIPES!
[Under the rule of the poem this is a disclaimer to say
None of the above characters alludes to real people,
secondly this is not a poem, but an observation.....
of sorts..........depending on how
you read it.It is not flammable or open to erudite intellectuall
debate.....but who knows you could give it a try, if it makes you
feel better
poem by Yvette Smith
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Poor Old Joe The Plumber
I was ambitious whilst growing up,
All I wanted was wealth and fame,
The advice I got from my mates,
Was get in to the financial game.
Time moves on but you don't forget,
The hardship you endured,
I vowed I'd become a millionaire,
Of that you can rest assured.
I loved the thrill of finance,
It gave me that desire,
To have control of peoples cash,
Really did light my fire.
I've never had a conscience,
So finance was ideal,
When playing games with peoples funds,
The truth you can conceal.
As I kept the money flowing in,
I soon stoked up the flames,
Joe the plumber didn't know,
He was a pawn in my sick games.
I made them think their cash was safe,
As I sold them stocks and shares,
I gave out far too much in loans,
But still they took my wares.
I knew that I was doing wrong,
But still I found it funny,
They didn't really know me,
But they trusted me with their money.
If we'd listened to Joe the plumber,
This disaster would be on hold,
But we just ignored the warning signs,
As all that glistens to us is gold.
We know that if our system fails,
All we need do is shout,
We've made some bad investments
The governments then bail us out.
While you are left with nothing,
Our lives go on without a hitch,
Poor Joe the plumbers destitute,
While we're all filthy rich.
We‘re spending all your hard earned cash,
As we travel on our yacht,
We drink the finest wines on board,
Thanks for everything you've bought.
Now you've bailed the system out,
We can all relax,
That's until the next time,
We need Joe the plumbers tax.
Money is our aim in life,
That is what we hanker,
No I'm not a robber,
I'm a rich old city banker.
All I do is walk away,
Nobody takes me to task,
On this I feel I've got to say,
Even Dick Turpin wore a mask.
Due to our selfish actions,
It really is a bummer,
Because of our greed we helped destroy,
‘' Poor Old Joe The Plumber''
Togetherness Is Gone
My wife,
Stop cleaning the house
Please come here
To accompany me
My husband,
The house is dirty
We aren't able to pay the maid
You've already retired
My wife,
Don't cook
It's a holiday
Let us eat outside the home
My husband,
Don't eat outdoors
We need efficient
You've already retired
My wife,
Let's keep me company
Why the rush to sleep
It's still early
My husband,
I have to get up early
To clean the house
And prepare breakfast
My wife,
I have to go this morning
My friends were waiting
Long we don't meet
My husband,
Be careful on the road
Greetings for your friends
But, why not breakfast?
My wife,
You have fallen asleep last night
I see you sleeping soundly all
I don't have the heart to wake you
My husband,
I'm sorry
I don't welcome you home
But, why should sleep on the sofa?
My wife,
I have to go again
I have social activities
With my old friends
My husband,
Don't forget dinner at home
You look very dapper
Although not wear perfume
My wife,
sorry, we were very busy
I had dinner with friends
Happy dinner, dear
My husband,
I woke up too early
But you're not at home
Where are you?
My wife,
I came home at midnight
I have to go early in the morning
I don't have the heart to wake you
My husband,
I just finished washing clothes
I've found the clothes that you wear today
But, why the smell of perfume?
poem by Hasanudin Sofyan
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Reciprocal Relationship
Wife and husband
reciprocate through love
as a centrifugal force
that settles only
to one another
Wife and husband
reciprocate through understanding
as a bonding conduit
to overrule electrifying
disagreements
Reciprocating wife and husband
make love and understanding
as best way of communication
that sustain the romance
and lasting relationship
When reciprocating collapses
between a husband and wife
romantic expression ceases
and the marital connection
becomes sour and arid
Reciprocating with each other
through love and understanding
builds up stronger foundation
as contented wife and husband
blessed with happy marriage
poem by Marvin Brato Sr
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My Wife’s Second Husband
THE WORLD goes round, old fellow,
And still I’m in the swim,
While my wife’s second husband
Is growing old and grim.
I meet him in the city—
It all seems very tame—
He glances at me sometimes
As if I were to blame.
Oh, my wife’s second husband
Was handsome, young and true;
He had his boyish visions
(I had my visions too).
He made a model lover—
The greenest in the game—
They say, when I was married
That I was just the same.
Though I am ten years older
My hair is dark to-day,
While my wife’s second husband
Is quickly growing grey.
I drank when first he knew me,
And he drank not at all;
I see that he, through drinking,
Is going to the wall.
A sweet ill-treated woman,
A drunken brute (Good Lord!)—
Ah, well, she got her freedom,
And he got his reward.
He’ll fight it out a season,
For Fate will not be forced,
But my wife’s second husband
Shall surely be divorced.
I sympathize, and wonder
What mutual friends would think
If my wife’s second husband
And I should have a drink.
And I a mere bystander—
It almost seems absurd—
Might lay prophetically
My hand on my wife’s third.
But my wife’s second husband
His sorrows shall forget,
We’ll clasp warm hands in friendship
And clink our glasses yet.
We’ll smoke cigars together,
In pure philosophy,
While calmly contemplating
The fate of number three.
poem by Henry Lawson
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A Doctor’s Mistake
As towns flourish and teem with life
Of all colours and creeds
In one of them lived with his wife
A doctor, with certain needs
Life and practice were more than good
He’d friends on every side
Yet took to drugs so oft he could
Which soon would turn the tide
One day a bad mistake was made
A fault he tried to hide
With pills a man in bed was laid
Who very nearly died
His medicine was wrong of course
The doctor was so high
The dose he gave could kill a horse
A man would surely die
For many years the doctor’s wife
Had prayed both night and day
For God to change her husband’s life
And take the drugs away
Her prayers were heard God saw how sad
His daughter lived with tears
Although her husband’s deeds were bad
God freed them of their fears
The doctor’s heart began to melt
He joined his wife in prayer
“Oh Lord my God what guilt I’ve felt
Since knowing You are there”
Salvation came because a wife
Had knelt in fervent prayer
Not only had her husband life
But now! Life’s Truth they share.
poem by Michael P. Johnson
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The Seahorse
The seahorse doesn’t do divorce:
It picks a spouse for life.
The wife’s the husband and, perforce,
The husband is the wife.
A husband, feeling rightly proud
(As husbands are, of course) ,
Will say of her who’s well endowed:
‘My wife’s hung like a horse.’
poem by South Westerner
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I wanted to be a plumber.
quote by Robert Goulet
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I never planned on being a plumber.
quote by Scott Caan
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
quote by Woody Allen
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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