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Albert's Allotment

Albert loved being on his allotment
he'd be on his plot everyday of the week
growing Cauliflower, Parsnip, Cabbage,
and winning awards for his Carrots, and Leek.
He spent so much time on his allotment
his wife thought he was having an affair
but Albert was more interested in his Potatoes
than any curvy woman with long Blonde hair.
When it rained Albert sat in his shed
reading Gardening books and having a cuppa
then he'd be out again digging for hours
till his wife called him in for his supper.
Albert liked growing all sorts of vegetables
but his favourite of the lot was the Marrow
he could grow them so big and so large
that some wouldn't fit into his Wheelbarrow.
Albert is buried down on his beloved allotment
as that was to be his final dying wish
when tearfully his wife asked him why he replied:
'So I can keep an eye on my Runner Beans and Radish! '

poem by Kevin Halls
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes

You're A Good Man Albert Brown

Well you're a good man albert brown
And you was wounded in the war
And though you shot some people down
You're still a good man albert brown
Well you're a good man albert brown
Though you are drunk upon the floor
And if you're buying the next round
Then you're a good man albert...
Brown was the colour of the mud across the somme
Red was the blood you spilled upon it
Pink were the fingers of the nurse who dressed your wound
White was the starch upon her bonnet
And you married that nurse
And her name was else
And then along came dad
...i'll have another pint of...
Brown is the colour of your old walking boots
Green is the cash you'd love to squander
Gold is the colour of your wife's faithful heart
So get yourself home, no more to wander
And you married that nurse
And her name's still else
And another child was had
You're a good man albert brown

song performed by by Xtc
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Frankie & Albert

1. frankie was a good girl.
Everybody knows.
For albert's new suite of clothes.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
2. albert said, "i'm leaving you.
Won't be gone for long.
Don't wait for me.
A-worry about me when i'm gone."
He was her man but he done her wrong.
3. frankie went down to the corner saloon.
Get a bucket of beer.
Said to the bartender.
"has my lovin' man been here?"
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
4. "well, i ain't gonna tell you no stories.
I ain't gonna tell you no lies.
I saw albert an hour ago.
With a gal named alice bly."
He was her man but he done her wrong.
5. frankie went down to 12th street.
Lookin' up through the window high.
She saw her albert there.
Lovein' up alice bly.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
6. frankie pulled out a pistol.
Pulled out a forty-four.
Gun went off a rootie-toot-toot
And albert fell on the floor.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
7. frankie got down upon her knees.
Took albert into her lap.
Started to hug and kiss him.
But there was no bringin' him back.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
8. "gimme a thousand policemen.
Throw me into a cell.
I shot my albert dead.
And now i'm goin' to hell.
He was her man but he done me wrong."
9. judge said to the jury.
"plain as a thing can be.
A woman shot her lover down.
Murder in the second degree."
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
10. frankie went to the scaffold.
Calm as a girl could be.
Turned her eyes up towards the heavens.
Said, "nearer, my god, to thee."
He was her man but he done her wrong.

song performed by by Bob Dylan
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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An Amnesiac Remembers

The amnesiac who had forgotten that his name was Albert

Woke up one day as George

The amnesiac who called himself George

Woke up one day and forgot his name was George despite being born

Albert, and called himself Mary

Mary Shelly after his great Aunt Ada who liked to be called mary on her days off

But the amnesiac forgot why he wanted to be called mary and quickly changed his name to harry

Then one day while looking through the telephone directory to find his own address he remembered that his name was Albert

And that he had killed his dog and strangled his wife in an argument

about house work and cleaning fluids

Her body was buried somewhere in the back garden along with the dog

He was thankful that he couldn't remember exactly where

And went to bed and tried in vain

To forget it all again

When he awoke he forgot his name, was Albert

And called himself Jack, Jack the Ripper

And then he remembered he had murdered his wife and squashed the cat

He had sliced her in half with his black and decker chain saw

And mistaken the cat on the chair for a cushion

The cat was an accident he couldn't forget

He remembered that he had strangled the vet

Who he met by chance at the door

Who caught a glimpse of the cat's lifeless paw

He had seen too much to live

But Jack had a mind like a sieve

And went to bed hoping it was all just a dream

And that they were well and still lived

When he awoke he recalled that the vicar had called

And had made a scene

And he was appalled to find strange bodies heaped in the hall

Including a plumber a town crier and ex beauty queen

Plus a pensioner from number 23 and a man who had come to fix the T.V

Speechless the amnesiac returned to his bed

Swallowed a hundred blue pills

By morning his wife found him dead

The coroner reported 'Death by misadventure victim appears to have choked on his denture

A happy father of three

He liked to read and watch the T.V

He was insomniac forgetful at times

But his record was 'clean' he'd committed no crimes

He leaves behind, a wife a cat a dog three kids, a retired vicar

A plumber an ex beauty queen an anonymous man who had come to fix the T.V

And a black an decker chain saw

May he Rest In Peace

poem by Yvette Smith
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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I'm very happy. I like my work and the various aspects of it-going around the world, teaching the gospel according to St. Albert.

quote by Albert Ellis
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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All we did in Alabama was have a read through with the script, but there was, 'No, well, it needs more. You've got to do this, Albert. You've got to do that, Jessica.' It didn't feel like that at all.

quote by Albert Finney
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Frankie Albert

1. frankie was a good girl.
Everybody knows.
For alberts new suite of clothes.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
2. albert said, Im leaving you.
Wont be gone for long.
Dont wait for me.
A-worry about me when Im gone.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
3. frankie went down to the corner saloon.
Get a bucket of beer.
Said to the bartender.
Has my lovin man been here?
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
4. well, I aint gonna tell you no stories.
I aint gonna tell you no lies.
I saw albert an hour ago.
With a gal named alice bly.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
5. frankie went down to 12th street.
Lookin up through the window high.
She saw her albert there.
Lovein up alice bly.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
6. frankie pulled out a pistol.
Pulled out a forty-four.
Gun went off a rootie-toot-toot
And albert fell on the floor.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
7. frankie got down upon her knees.
Took albert into her lap.
Started to hug and kiss him.
But there was no bringin him back.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
8. gimme a thousand policemen.
Throw me into a cell.
I shot my albert dead.
And now Im goin to hell.
He was her man but he done me wrong.
9. judge said to the jury.
Plain as a thing can be.
A woman shot her lover down.
Murder in the second degree.
He was her man but he done her wrong.
Instrumental
10. frankie went to the scaffold.
Calm as a girl could be.
Turned her eyes up towards the heavens.
Said, nearer, my god, to thee.
He was her man but he done her wrong.

song performed by by Bob Dylan
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Return of Albert

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom,
In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick and 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Gave a lion a poke in the ear.

The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild;
And before you could say 'Bob's your Uncle,'
'E'd up and 'e'd swallered the child.

'E were sorry the moment 'e'd done it,
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in 'is noodle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on t'gums.

'E could feel the lad moving inside 'im,
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday,
'E wished 'im such 'appy returns.

But Albert kept kicking and fighting,
Till Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that 'e started to stage
A come-back for the lad.

So with 'is 'ead down in a corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled,
Till Albert shot out like a cork.

Old Wallace felt better direc'ly,
And 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
'Ad gone 'ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says 'I feel down in the mouth like,'
Pa says "Aye! I bet Albert does too.'

Said Ma 'It just goes for to show yer
That the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose 'im
I'd 'ave not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled.

'Let's look on the bright side,' said Father
'What can't be 'elped must be endured,
Every cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured.'

A knock at the door came that moment,
As Father these kind words did speak,
'Twas the man from t'Prudential,
E'd called for their 'tuppence per person per week.'

When Father saw who 'ad been knocking,
'E laughed and 'e kept laughing so,
That the young man said 'What's there to laugh at?'
Pa said 'You'll laugh an' all when you know.'

'Excuse 'im for laughing,' said Mother,
'But really things 'appen so strange,
Our Albert's been ate by a lion,
You've got to pay us for a change.'

Said the young feller from the Prudential,
'Now, come come, let's understand this,
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im?'
Ma says 'Oh, no! we know where 'e is.'

When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A bag from 'is pocket he drew,
And he paid them with interest and bonus,
The sum of nine pounds four and two.

Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'and on the money,
When a face at the window they see,
And Mother says 'Eeh! look, it's Albert,'
And Father says 'Aye, it would be.'

Young Albert came in all excited,
and started 'is story to give,
And Pa says 'I'll never trust lions again,
Not as long as I live.'

The young feller from the Prudential
To pick up his money began,
And Father says 'Eeh! just a moment,
Don't be in a hurry, young man.'

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said 'Pop off back to the Zoo.
'Ere's your stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Go and see what the Tigers can do!'

poem by Marriott Edgar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Uncle Albert/admiral Halsey

Were so sorry uncle albert
Were so sorry if we caused you any pain
Were so sorry uncle albert
But theres no one left at home
And I believe Im gonna rain
Were so sorry but we havent heard a thing all day
Were so sorry uncle albert
But if anything should happen well be sure to give a ring
Were so sorry uncle albert
But we havent done a bloody thing all day
Were so sorry uncle albert
But the kettles on the boil and were so easily called away
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Admiral halsey notified me
He had to have a berth or he couldnt get to sea
I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie
(the butter wouldnt melt so I put it in the pie)
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Live a little be a gypsy, get around(get around)
Get your feet up off the ground
Live a little, get around
Live a little be a gypsy, get around(get around)
Get your feet up off the ground
Live a little, get around
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Ooo------------ooo-------------

song performed by by Paul McCartney
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A Second Spring

The dew indiscriminately

wept for all things living and dead

on this early autumn morning.

Its cold droplets caressed the leaves

while lingering sap-starved leaf stems

clung precariously above

and each dying leaf shed teardrops

for and onto their fallen kind.

One by one they released their hold

falling silently, gracefully

in their final unique fashion:

Some swayed. Others pirouetted;

and many more, somersaulting

into their final resting place.

Sunbeams from an October star

spilt rippling puddles of warm light

on their multicolored remains

amid the vibrant wildflowers.

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus

poem by Albert Ahearn
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The Warrior King

Albert, King of the Belgians,
Lived for his whole reign thro'
The father and friend of his people,
Soldier and statesman, too.
When his armies rode to the carnage,
'Twas their King who rode at their hear
To battle as great Kings battled...
And Albert the King is dead.

Albert, King of the Belgians,
Looking at doomed Louvain,
Wept for the plight of his people,
Grieved for his country's pain.
But the pride of a King upheld him;
The strength of a true King stayed,
And the love of a wise King triumphed
Thro' the travail, undismayed.

Albert, King of the Belgians,
After the red war's close,
Seeking no rest from his labors,
As a builder now arose;
Lending his life to service,
Turning to tasks anew,
Healing his country's war-wounds
Builder and comforter, too.

Albert, King of the Belgians,
Died as a Man would die,
Prone on earth's broad bosom,
Under the open sky.
To a swift and merciful passing,
Here went, at the end of his span,
A greater that King of his people
A wise and well-loved man.

poem by Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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The Jubilee Sov'reign

On Jubilee Day the Ramsbottoms
Invited relations to tea,
Including young Albert's grandmother-
An awkward old . . party, was she.

She'd seen Queen Victoria's accession
And `er wedding to Albert (the Good)
But she got quite upset when young Albert
Asked `er `ow she'd got on in the Flood.

She cast quite a damper on't party,
But she warmed up a bit after tea,
And gave Albert a real golden sovereign
She'd been saving since last Jubilee.

It `ad picture of Queen on't one side
And a dragon fight on the reverse,
And it smelled of camphor and cobwebs
Through being so long in `er purse.

Albert `andled the coin, and `e kissed it
And `e felt the rough edge with `is tongue;
For `e knew by the look of `is father
That it wouldn't be `is very long.

"I`ll show you a trick wi' that sovereign,"
Said Pa, `oo were `overin' near-
And `e took and pretended to eat it,
Then brought it back out of `is ear.

This magic filled Albert with wonder,
And before you could say "Uncle Dick",
`E'd got the coin back from `is father
And performed the first part of the trick.

When they all saw where the money `ad gone
With excitement the relatives burned;
And each one suggested some process
For getting the money returned.

Some were for fishing with tweezers,
While some were for shaking it out;
"If we only got back a few shillings,"
They said "`twould be better than nowt."

They tried `olding Albert `ead downward
And giving `is shoulders a clump-
`Till his uncle, `oo worked for a chemist
Said "There's nowt for it but stomach pump."

Well, they `adn't a stomach pump `andy,
But Pa did the best that `e could
With a bicycle pump that they borrowed
But that weren't nearly so good.

So off they went to the doctor
`Oo looked down `is throat with a glass;
`E said "This'll mean operation-
I fear that `e'll `ave to `ave gas."

"`Ow much is this `ere goin' to cost me?"
Said Father, beginning to squirm.
"I'm afraid that it comes out expensive-
The best gas is eight pence a therm.

There's my time, six shillings an hour;
You can't do these things in two ticks-
By rights I should charge you a guinea,
But I'll do it for eighteen and six."

"Wot, eighteen and six to get sovereign?"
Said Father, "That doesn't sound sense
I'll tell you, you'd best keep young Albert
And give us the odd eighteen pence!"

The doctor concurred this arrangement,
But to this day he stands in some doubt
As to whether he's in eighteen shillings
Or whether he's eighteen pence out.

poem by Marriott Edgar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Albert and the Lion

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much of the Ocean:
The waves, they were fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they'd Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars -
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild -
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear.

You could see that the Lion didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad 'ole.

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said 'Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert',
And Mother said 'Well, I am vexed!'

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom -
Quite rightly, when all's said and done -
Complained to the Animal Keeper,
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said 'What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?'
Pa said "Am I sure? There's his cap!'

The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said 'What's to do?'
Pa said 'Yon Lion's 'et Albert,
'And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too.'

Then Mother said, 'Right's right, young feller;
I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we've paid to come in.'

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying 'How much to settle the matter?'
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?'

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said 'No! someone's got to be summonsed' -
So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the P'lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing,
'And thank you, sir, kindly,' said she.
'What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!'

poem by Marriott Edgar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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The Lion and Albert