O L D F A R T H O O D
No, of course I don’t…
I mean, who’d want to be
a mere two scornful words
in a stand-up comic’s
patronising patter…
‘The other day, at the ticket office,
there was this old fart in front of me…’
…just you wait, young man,
until your sciatica, arthritis and rheumatism
feel the cold and wet today; your
toupée (always good for a visual laugh)
has blown off, your dentures have
just cracked into a plastic cleft palate,
the battery’s just gone in your hearing aid,
and you left your walking stick
by your seat in the bus or tube in panic
when you couldn’t find that place
no longer there, where you used
to spend a penny…
and you’re hoping to clear up
with that immigrant ticket clerk
(not the best job for him, surely?)
which of the wildly variant twelve fare systems would apply
to the ticket to visit your married daughter, where
you might or might not stay the night…
no of course I don’t…
but the camera, which never lies,
has lost patience with me..
its expensive self-focus system
registers ‘old fart’ – quite possibly
uses some built-in stock image…
and even if some prestigious
occasion requires a photo credit
and one goes to a ‘studio photographer’
of ever-increasing price,
hoping they’ll catch some firmness
of a feature, some line of wise concern,
an eye betokening a life well lived,
some profile signifying gravitas…
but no…often now,
I see my face above some article
in an in-flight or a waiting-room magazine,
read it in self-congratulation or self-disdain,
think, I don’t remember writing that…
then realise, it’s by some other
identical old fart, grinning vacantly,
ingratiatingly, shapeless of any feature,
devoid of any mystery of shadow,
hoping that the editor
will remember these wise words of age..
but no… so here’s
one old fart
issuing another…
poem by Michael Shepherd
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
Ticket To The Moon
Remember the good old 1980s?
When things were so uncomplicated?
I wish I could go back there again
And everything could be the same.
Ive got a ticket to the moon
Ill be leaving here any day soon
Yeah, Ive got a ticket to the moon
But Id rather see the sunrise in your eyes.
Got a ticket to the moon
Ill be rising high above the earth so soon
And the tears I cry might turn into the rain
That gently falls upon your window
Youll never know.
Chorus:
Ticket to the moon (ticket to the moon)
Ticket to the moon (ticket to the moon)
Ticket to the moon (ticket to the moon).
Fly, fly through a troubled sky
Up to a new world shining bright, oh, oh.
Flying high above
Soaring madly through the mysteries that come
Wondering sadly if the ways that led me here
Could turn around and I would see you there
Standing there (and I would see you there, waiting...)
Ticket to the moon
Flight leaves here today from satellite two
As the minutes go by, what should I do?
I paid the fare, what more can I say?
Its just one way (only one way)...
Repeat chorus:
Repeat chorus:
song performed by by Electric Light Orchestra
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Gifted Ticket Taken
With a gifted ticket taken,
Anyone can go to places...
With a price already paid.
With a gifted ticket taken,
It becomes easier to get away.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
One will discover it's okay...
To get onboard,
And explore the unknown.
With a gifted ticket taken,
No one is bored.
Or feel they have ignored their trials.
Or chores expected to soothe with smiles,
Upon the faces awaiting to take full credit.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
All onboard...
Are ready to tour.
With a freeing off their backs,
Attractions carried that attacked.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
All onboard...
Are never bored,
With a freeing off their backs...
And with a sigh of satisfaction.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
Everyone can celebrate...
The patience,
It took...
To get that taste anyone can salivate.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
Everyone can celebrate...
The patience,
It took...
To get that taste anyone can salivate.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
Everyone can celebrate.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
Everyone can celebrate.
And with a gifted ticket taken,
Everyone can celebrate...
The patience,
It took...
To get that taste anyone can salivate.
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
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The Breakfast Of The Old Farts
the old farts
did meet for breakfast
of coffee and cookies
and fish and rice
and a pomelo and camote chunks
and they all fart
and part and meet again
only to fart some more
this lunchtime.
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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Thieves Look Holy
To fart is, of course, unpleasant.
To fart silently is to steal
The wind and escape as a thief.
A thief fights thieves to hide his thefts.
(26.06.2011)
poem by Rm. Shanmugam Chettiar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Brown Study from the Lowlands
My fart's in the Lowlands, my fart is not here,
My fart's in the Lowlands disgracing I fear -
embracing the oh dear, hear three in a row!
my fart's in the Lowlands, no place else to blow.
Farewell to the colon[y]'s whale of a gale,
the column of calor, one gale won from whale;
wherever I wander, wherever I rove,
my fart blows from private parts, I'm treasure trove cove.
Farewell from gust mounting high in the air;
Hello to disgust leading on to despair,
Hello ivy league bladderwort fount in puds;
Hello to the torrents and loud-pouring floods.
My fart's in the Lowlands, my fart is not here,
My fart's in the Lowlands disgracing I fear -
embracing the oh dear, three more in a row!
my fart blows from Lowlands, so little to show.
[c] Jonathan Robin parody Robert Burns My Heart's in the Highlands 1 July 2008 robi3_1781_burn3_0004 PXX_MXX
My Heart's In The Highlands
Farewell to the Highlands, farewell to the North,
The birth-place of Valour, the country of Worth;
Wherever I wander, wherever I rove,
The hills of the Highlands for ever I love.
My heart's in the Highlands, my heart is not here;
My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the deer;
A-chasing the wild-deer, and following the roe,
My heart's in the Highlands wherever I go.
Farewell to the mountains high covered with snow;
Farewell to the straths and green valleys below;
Farewell to the forests and wild-hanging woods;
Farewell to the torrents and loud-pouring floods.
My heart's in the Highlands, my heart is not here;
My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the deer;
A-chasing the wild-deer, and following the roe,
My heart's in the Highlands wherever I go.
Robert Burns - written 1789
tune- 'Failte na Miosg.'
poem by Jonathan Robin
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the Severe Grim World that has everything in its hands
Old Mr Godd -
He ‘s lost his sense of humor
O what's the matter?
Is he afraid his dentures
might fall off
if he laughs even a little?
Old Mrs Boobs
she too does not laugh;
she does not even smile
maybe she's worried
if she laughed
she'll piss standing up
Old Establishments Revered and Wise
they hide all the Reverends Gray and Bent
and tall bearded men in black clothes
who display eloquent words and frightening convictions
cold, severe and holding cards
close to their chests
Why, what's the matter?
Are the Establishments afraid
they will all fart together
and all the hot air disappear
and then they'll all be left like spent balloons…?
Old Mr Must
he sits faceless and his eyes with no light
What's the matter with Mr Must?
What's he afraid of? Is he afraid
whatever he's got between his legs will fall off?
poem by Raj Arumugam
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Homeward Bound
I want to sit at home in my rockin chair
I dont want to travel the world
As far as Im concerned Ive had my share
But times more precious than gold
I dont wanna see another airplane seat
Or another hotel room
The home life to me seems really neat
I just wanna unpack for good
Buy me a ticket homeward bound (homeward bound)
Buy me a ticket homeward bound (oh homeward bound
Well it all seems the same when youve done it before
Theres no difference in the style
Theres no end insight or my own front door
Ill be a stay at home for awhile
So Ill have another drink and a cigarette
Just to console myself some how
Its not too bad if you can forget
Ive just got to find a way somehow
Buy me a ticket homeward bound (homeward bound)
Buy me a ticket homeward bound (oh homeward bound
Buy me a ticket homeward bound (homeward bound)
song performed by by Fleetwood Mac
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Silly; Gross: Fart!
Having just exclaimed 'what can I write about? ' I heard a muffled noise,
...followed by a pungent cheesy smell which FEW of your ilk enjoys.
Now farts have gotten a bad reputation....along with burps and belches.
In our society they are THINGS...which a more 'polite' person often squelches.
And I'd say I'm one of the 'more polite'...in my normal daily life; that is except when I'm alone...with my loving, understanding WIFE.
Why even my wife farts on rare occasions.....Don't let her know I've told.
But she generally does it behind a CLOSED door. Unlike me, …she's not so bold.
So 'FART' is what I'll write about tonight, .... stretched out in this chair.
You'll excuse me please if I let one loose...though it MAY foul the air.
Farts come in at least four varieties. I'm sure you all know THAT.
I could break it down to sub-varieties, but I'll KEEP those in my hat.
First there are farts that are quiet and smelly. Not my cup of tea.
At least one should make some noise....so others won't HAVE TO SAY 'not ME'.
Then there are those quiet but NOT smelly; I think women mostly do those.
They give off nothing obnoxious….. to offend your ears or nose.
There are noisy farts that are also smelly. Some would say they're WORST OF ALL.
There are noisy farts that are NOT smelly, ...some like a bugle call.
I've heard of 'farting posts'....used in competitions, ....and
I've heard of using cigarette lighters...to ignite fart emissions.
I've been around dogs that fart and I guess some cows do too.
Probably lots of species fart (now and then) ...not just a FEW.
I believe what's behind all farts...is simply what we.....eat.
If you eat too much or the 'wrong thing'....you MAY be blown....OFF your feet.
Personally that's never happened to me. I'm not lying; ....it's really TRUE.
No 'Captain Ahab' has ever said of me: 'My god! There he blew! '
poem by Bri Edwards
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The Worst
You weren't the first,
but you certainly were the worst.
Complaing, moaning, constant groaning.
I think it's time for you to get going.
Always clucking like a hen.
Will this nightmare ever end?
You steal my stuff,
so you can go out and buy a bit.
Worst of all though you stole my heart.
Now in your face I loudly fart.
Sweet relief when we finally part.
I can't take anymore it's just too hard.
You beat me down with vicious words,
sometimes beating me with such strenous verve.
I've had enough you useless witch.
Now I'm hoping a bus,
to what city God knows which.
Well so long and burn in hell.
I suppose we'll see eachother there.
poem by Michael McParland
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I Keep Hoping
As I gather my thoughts
With the pieces of my heart
Tell me, how long is forever
Im not afraid and I wont be torn apart
Weve had our time together
Now I make my new beginnings
Ill start again at any cost
Ive learned a lot from losing you
But Ive got nothing if Im lost
And I keep hoping
And I still believe in love
If I wait long enough
I know Ill be strong enough
Yeah, I keep hoping
I believe in faith and trust
Im gonna find a way
There are better days still ahead of us
I keep hoping
Now this candle burns low
It wont last through the night
But Ive found peace
And I know its all right
I try to understand
Whats been missing in my life
Between the darkness and the daylight
No Im not expecting miracles
Ive got my doubts like any other one
Ive learned a lot from losing you
But Ive got nothing if Im lost
And I keep hoping
I still believe in love
If I wait long enough
I know Ill be strong enough
And I keep hoping
I believe, I believe in faith and trust
There are better days, better days, around of us now, still ahead of us, aaah
I keep hoping, I keep hoping
I keep hoping
I keep hoping and praying baby, oooh
And I still believe in love
I keep hoping, I keep hoping baby, oooh
Im gonna find a way
I keep hoping, I keep hoping baby
There are better days, ooh, better days
I keep hoping, hoping and praying
And I still believe in love
I keep hoping, I keep hoping
I keep hoping . . .
song performed by by Foreigner
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I've Got a Golden Ticket
I never thought my life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit of good luck for me
'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye
I never had a chance to shine
Never a happy song to sing
But suddenly half the world is mine
What an amazing thing
'Cause I've got a golden ticket
It's ours, Charlie
I've got a golden sun up in the sky
I never thought I'd see the day
When I would face the world and say
Good morning, look at the sun
I never thought that I would be
Slap in the lap of luxury'
Cause I'd have said it couldn't be done
But it can be done
I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be
'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with a golden ticket, it's a golden day
Good morning, look at the sun'
Cause I'd have said it couldn't be done
But it can be done
I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be
'Cause I've got a golden ticket'
Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with a golden ticket, it's a golden day
poem by Roald Dahl
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Affirmations(2002-2004)
Today, I will get up before my alarm
Today, I won't close my eyes until dusk
Today, I will not get a speeding ticket
Today, I will count this day as a first
Today, I will enjoy the life that has been left to me
Today, I won't frown over the may-have-beens
Today, I won't cry over the should-have-beens
Today, I won't wonder about the could-have-beens
Today, I'll smile.......Today, I'll Laugh.... Today, I'll relax
Today, I won't feel alone because I don't see you
Today, I'll find something new that wasn't true of you
Today, I won't be afraid to look upon a new face
Today, I'll step up and take my place
Today, I won't think about what I've lost
Today, I'll look forward instead of behind
Today, I'll find some piece of mind
Today, I'll hope.... Today, I'll pray... Today, I'll believe
Today, I'll dream as if I always did
Today, I'll wish on a star the way I used to
Today, I'll reach for the heavens and sigh
Today, My heart will start to heal
Today, the biggest miracle is ME.
Today, Yesterday's problems ceased to be
Today, the rain has stopped and the sun has returned
Today, the breath of kindness is found in words
Today, I wonder.... Today, I am a child.
poem by Lillian B. Rose
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El Capitan
By the harbour I harbor
The strangest memories
Older than I could ever be
Stranded in nostalgia
So tonight i'll try harder
But it's hard to fix this spotlight on me
In a cast that's taking places
I'm not sure of where I want to be
Stand up, stand up and stand out
Applaud El Captain
And jump up to cheers from the crowd
Stand up, stand up and stand out
And I hope you take your camera
To photograph my tears as they hit the ground
No one even listens
The same way that no one ever laughs
I'm taking the car out of the snow
I'm wondering where the summer went to
Circled by your secrets
I'm hoping that they don't include me
At least I'm in good company
Because there's no one else around except me
Stand up, stand up and stand out
Applaud el captain
Just to watch the world slow itself
Stand up, stand up and stand out
And I hope you took your camera
The silence makes the loudest sound
It seems far too easy to say the same things
I'll choose my own way to use my life up
And finally I found a new way to say the same things in imaginary ways
I use my life up
You were looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
In your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
Looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
Through your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
Looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
In your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
Looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
In your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
song performed by by Idlewild
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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El Captain
By the harbour I harbor
The strangest memories
Older than I could ever be
Stranded in nostalgia
So tonight i'll try harder
But it's hard to fix this spotlight on me
In a cast that's taking places
I'm not sure of where I want to be
Stand up, stand up and stand out
I'll Climb El Captain
And jump up to cheers from the crowd
Stand up, stand up and stand out
And I hope you take your camera
To photograph my tears as they hit the ground
No one even listens
The same way that no one ever laughs
I'm taking the car out of the snow
I'm wondering where the summer went to
Circled by your secrets
I'm hoping that they don't include me
At least I'm in good company
Because there's no one else around except me
Stand up, stand up and stand out
I'll Climb el captain
Just to watch the world slow itself
Stand up, stand up and stand out
And I hope you took your camera
The silence makes the loudest sound
It seems far too easy to say the same things
I'll choose my own way to use my life up
And finally I found a new way to say the same things in imaginary ways
I use my life up
You were looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
In your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
Looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
Through your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
Looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
In your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
Looking at pictures in the distance
Hoping to see the future
In your pictures of the distance
Hoping to see the future
song performed by by Idlewild
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Edges Are No Longer Parallel
The edges are no, no longer parallel
The edges are no, no longer parallel
And there is no law of averages here
If you feel down
Then youre bound to stay down
All of the things you said
So meaningful
They are all so suddenly meaningless
And the looks you gave
So meaningful
They are all so suddenly meaningless
Oh ...
And there is no law of averages here
If you feel down
Then youre bound to stay down
My only mistake is Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
My only mistake is Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
My only mistake is Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
My one mistake is Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
My only mistake is ...
My only mistake is I keep hoping
My only mistake is I keep hoping
My only mistake is Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
My only mistake is Im hoping
Im hoping
Im hoping
song performed by by Morrissey
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I Was Hoping
as we were taking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone
but I need to talk to somebody
you said "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died i'd be filled
with such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die any time soon"
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain
and yes you're a fine woman and I cringed
I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're
successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money" and when I walked by they said "thank you too dear" I was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when I would've said something like "hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
I too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you I think you're insensitive
and I don't feel heard and I said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes I said I don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about that man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together
song performed by by Alanis Morissette from Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Ticket On A Ferry Ride
By jeff barry and bobby bloom
I got a ticket on a ferry ride.
I got a ticket and it hurts inside.
I wonder if she knows
That I dont really want to go, oh no
I still love her so.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride.
I got a ticket and it hurts inside.
I never though the day
Would come when I would say good bye this way
Wanted so to stay.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride.
I still love her so.
Dont really wanna go.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride.
I got a ticket and it hurts inside.
I wonder if she knows
That I dont really have to go, oh no
I still love her so.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride.
I got a ticket and it hurts inside.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride.
I got a ticket and it hurts inside.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride, ah.
I got a ticket on a ferry ride (repeat).
song performed by by Monkees
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A One-way Ticket
I bought a one-way ticket
so I would not return.
No one seemed to notice.
No one showed concern.
The ticket got me nowhere
that I wanted to be.
No one seemed to notice,
no one 'cept for me.
The strangeness of this new place
made me feel so sad.
No one seemed to notice.
Now I really felt bad.
I wish I had that ticket
so I could return
even if no one noticed
or ever showed concern,
no one 'cept for me.
poem by Edwina Reizer
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At a prize giving speech
The words of an inspector became meaningless
as if he was all along talking rubbish and turned clueless
when he heard the music teacher fart
and without excuse had a attack of the heart
and his droll stories couldn't amuse or bless, became nothingness.
poem by Gert Strydom
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Youth's nightmare
Sweet surrender on the river side
In the morning to the shadow of moon dust
Near and far misses the Dog Star
That used to collect the youth here and there
A Frog Horn blown wild and cold
For you to remember the river side
Up come a coaster fast yet silent in the night
No money in the jacket and in the jeans’
To give for any ticket for a ride to hide
See them now on the railway remember all was
They walk into the darkness cast from the light
Time no longer a glance indeed a chance of joy
Think too many yeas was in
that scene from the river side
Melancholy a fear of yesteryears
Remember the offer that I would say
But sure not that man I used to be
Since knew you quite different as the river flow
Let’s go down deep to the promises
Bah, alas all they left the empty seat
As soon go feeling was in the river side
poem by Jordan Legaspi
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