Ratbag (Fun Poem 109)
Ratbag was a pirate
whom sailed the seven seas
and the Spanish Main.
You won’t find his name in any history book,
as he wasn’t that good at being a pirate at all.
He was neither Long John Silver
nor Captain Henry Morgan.
His greatest claim to fame
was attempting to kidnap
a Polynesian Princess,
but feisty woman said,
“Ho, Ho, Oh no you don’t.”
Then promptly hit Ratbag
over the head with a coconut.
However, she was much better than
just conking him on the bonce
she ran off with his pirate ship
and his motley crew as well.
She left ole Ratbag stranded on an island
with the most ugliest women
the world has ever seen.
Ratbag got away from there,
and hitched a ride
on a passing brigantine home,
but the law caught up with him
said he must spend twenty years
in the penal colony at Cookaroo.
Then he was place on a farm
that raised kangaroos;
his job was to round them up
at the close of day.
Another thing he was not good at
as the Cookaroo’s kangaroos
beat him up every time he shouted.
Escaping from Cookaroo,
he became a highwayman
another job he wasn’t good at its sad to say.
The first coach he shouted stand and deliver to,
ran him into the ground.
Sadly, that led to his demise.
1 September 2009
Author Note:
The name Ratbag comes from a criminal who was once locked up in Newgate Prison. The rest of this tale was made up by the author who hopes it raised a smile.
poem by David Harris
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Related quotes
The Bold Princess Royal
O on the fourteenth day of February we sailed from the land
In the bold Princess Royal bound for Newfoundland.
We had forty bright sailors for our ship's companie,
And boldly from the eastward to the westward sailed we.
We had not been sailing scarce days two or three
When our man from the masthead a sail he did see.
She bore down upon us to see what we were,
When from under her mizzen black colours she wore.
My God cries our Captain what shall we do now
For there comes a bold pirate to rob us I know.
O no, cries our chief mate it cannot be so
For we'll spread out our reef boys and from her we'll go.
And when this bold pirate came up alongside
Through a loudspeaking trumpet he said 'Who are you?'
Our Captain walked the quarterdeck and he answered him so
'We come from fair London and we're bound for Cairo.'
Then draw up your courses and heave your ship to
For I've got a letter. I'll send on by you.
We'll draw up our courses and heave our ship to
But it will be in some harbour not alongside of you.
He chased us to windward for all that long day
He chased us to windward and night and a day
He chased us to windward but could not prevail
Whilst the bold Princess Royal did show them her tail.
Thank God cries our captain, since the pirate has gone
'Bring a cask of good brandy, fore and aft let it run.
Go down to your grog boys, and be of good cheer,
As long as we've sea-room my boys never fear
poem by Robert Burns
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Love Found on Caicos
The beautiful princess rode her
unicorn Stardust
under the full dreamy
moon
On the white sandy beaches
of Caicos
With a gentle sea breeze
kissing her
From her head to her
toes
With a view of the pirate ship on
the aqua blue sea
She saw the rogue pirate
debonaire
Give her a wink and
a smile
The handsome pirate with the
cute derriere
He whistled and called to her
Hey Baby, come with me to
the Secret Isle
I have something special
for you
Plus emeralds rubies sapphires
and diamonds too
poem by Rachel Nichols
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On The Lam
‘I'm going away today, ' he said,
‘I'm going away for good! '
We looked at his suitcase, neatly packed,
‘We don't really think you should! '
‘It doesn't matter a fig to me
Whatever you want me to,
I said that I'm going away, I did,
And that's what I'm going to do.'
The wife looked beat, admitted defeat,
And stalked back into the house,
While I sat down on the garden wall
And stomped on the odd wood louse.
‘So where do you think you'll spend the night
When it comes to the end of the day,
When the Moon comes up and the lights go out
And the Wolves begin to bay? '
He sulked, ‘I'll be on a pirate ship,
With Long John What's-is-name,
I'll sit right up in the Crows Nest
Spotting the ships on the Spanish Main.'
‘But what if a cannonball takes your leg
And chops it off at the knee,
They've got no doctors on pirate ships
Out in that terrible sea.'
‘Well, maybe I won't, ' he faltered,
Maybe I'll go to the Hemlock Inn,
And sup on the stuff that pirates sup
And get me a mug of gin! '
‘I think it's rum that you're thinking of,
And that's some terrible stuff,
It causes your head to twirl and spin
‘Til your ears come falling off.'
‘I'll ride on a double-decker bus,
I'll do what I want to do,
Nothing you say will change my mind
I'm not going to live with you! '
‘That's sad, I'll just have to eat them all,
Those humbugs up in the jar,
And the fairy cakes that your mother makes
While I'm looking up at the stars.'
‘That's it, I'm going away, ' he said,
‘I'm taking off on the Lam.'
‘Be careful the police don't pick you up,
They turn little boys to jam! '
He headed off to the first Lamp Post,
Then stopped, and swivelled to see,
If I was following with my eyes,
But I'd turned my gaze to a tree.
He took another few faltering steps,
Then turned and wandered back home,
‘I thought I'd stay for the fairy cakes,
I'm not quite ready to roam.'
The dog came out and he bounded up
And they played around on the lawn,
I called out, ‘Mother, the pirate's back,
His ship was lost in a storm! '
30 November 2012
poem by David Lewis Paget
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Jim Hawkins's diary
every boy grew up must go to the sea
home sick, mother's warm embraces to me
Lily, I love you please just wait for me
waving shades of the sails speak silent words to me
father, now you can be proud of me I went to the sea
I wrote in my diary 'Jim Hawkins went to the sea
for the seagulls can fish accompanied only by me'
I met John Silver and he was with a wooden leg
the sea scent was coming out of his hair form a distant ship
Silver was a seafaring man with a red-green parrot
Silver was the only man, Flint feared the most
Flint was a captain of a vessel with six men crew
murdered all six of the crew and left them to shape
outstretched arms pointing to his prime treasure
the ancient captain sent them to Davy Jones' locker
'Darby M Graw, fetch aft the rum'
Flint has died at a home Pirate's inn
if he brought the pleasure into sin
the vulture is to be dead within
fifteen men all died for a dead man's chest
Silver, I have been to the treasure island (said Jim)
thee have to find it's mysterious home land (said Silver)
Billy told me to search the treasure island (said Jim)
thee have to find me at the home land (said Silver)
old mate I long for you and thy wisdom (said Silver)
Silver, thee received their black symptom (said Jim)
captain, together we will reach Flint's kingdom (said Silver)
Billy has died because he received the black symptom (said Jim)
fifteen men all died for a dead man's chest.
poem by Mohammed Hassan
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A Pirate Called John
I got to know
That pirate called John
Because he has a ship that he
Cruises the whole
Atlantic ocean and then the
Pacific ocean with
Also that pirate John takes his
Bird with him
poem by Aldo Kraas
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Peddling Round the World
When at first in foreign parts
Was her flag unfurled,
England was a Gipsy lass
Peddling round the world.
Sailing on the Spanish Main—
Everywhere you roam—
Peddling in the Persian Gulf
Things she’d made at home.
Peddling round the world,
Peddling round the world—
England was a Gipsy lass
Peddling round the world.
England never wanted war,
Not on land or sea—
Other nations rising up
Couldn’t let her be.
England only wanted peace,
And the ocean’s breath;
So there came, in course of time,
Queen Elizabeth.
Queen Elizabeth—
Queen Elizabeth—
Came a plain, bad-tempered queen,
Called Elizabeth.
Queen Elizabeth, she called
Drake, and Raleigh too—
Essex, Howard, and the rest
Of the pirate crew;
“See what you can do,” she said.
“England’s feeling sick—
If you don’t, I’ll hang you all!
Better do it quick.”
“Better do it quick,” she said—
“Better do it quick”;
And they knew she’d keep her word,
So they did it quick.
Drake and Raleigh sailed away—
(Only Bess they feared)
Cleared the Spanish Main and singed
The King of Spain his beard—
Singed the King of Spain his beard,
And his hair they curled.
England was a Gipsy’s love
Peddling round the world.
Peddling round the world,
Peddling round the world.
England was a Gipsy’s love
Peddling round the world.
Once again, when Cromwell came,
England wanted room;
So he lowered Holland’s tone,
Smashed the Dutchman’s broom.
Sent a message to Algiers;
Made its meaning plain—
On the way they called once more
On the King of Spain.
On the King of Spain—
On the King of Spain:
Called, to jog his memory,
On the King of Spain.
So the years went round and round,
Over hills and flats—
England was a Gipsy wife—
England had her brats;
Peddling in the China Sea,
Far from English ground;
Doing biz with Mrs. Jap—
Peddling all around.
Peddling all around—
Peddling all around;
Making friends with Mrs. Jap—
Peddling all around.
When the war is past and gone,
With its blood and tears;
And the world may count upon
Peace for fifty years—
When the gory battle-flags
Round their sticks are furled—
Then you’ll see a Gipsy crone
Peddling round the world.
Peddling round the world—
Peddling round the world.
Then you’ll see a Gipsy crone
A-peddling round the world!
Shawl as old as Joseph’s coat,
Hair as white as snow,
Mind as bright as Seventeen—
Eyes still like the sloe—
Peddling in the Southern Seas—
Everywhere you roam—
And she’ll fill her baskets here
With things we’ll make at home.
Things we’ll make at home—
Things we’ll make at home—
Call to fill her baskets here
With things we’ll make at HOME.
poem by Henry Lawson
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Back For Good
gonna do something you might know,
But don't worry it gets better at the chorus"
I guess now it's time for me to throw up
I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup,
Wash it off
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind me now
[chorus shouted loud & excitedly!]whatever i said, whatever i did i didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever i'm wrong just tell me the song and i'll sing it
You'll be right and understood
Unaware but underlined i figured out the story
It wasn't good
And in the corner of a mind i celebrated glory
But it wasn't to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me
[chorus shouted loud & excitedly!]whatever i said, whatever i did i didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever i'm wrong just tell me the song and i'll sing it
You'll be right and understood
And we'll be together, this time is forever
(ed note: rob forgot the words again *g*)
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again
Mosh!
[chorus shouted loud & excitedly!]whatever i said, whatever i did i didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever i'm wrong just tell me the song and i'll sing it
You'll be right and understood
song performed by by Robbie Williams
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Sallys Pigeons
When I was eight I had a friend
With a pirate smile
Make believe and play pretend
We were innocent and wild
Hopped a fence and slammed the gate
Running down my alleyway
In time to watch sallys pigeons fly
We loved to watch them dive and soar
Circle in the sky
Free as a bird from three to four
And never knowing why
Neighbors pulled their wash back in
Put away my barbie and ken
Look out overhead
While sallys pigeons fly
I had a fools confidence
That the world had no boundaries
But instincts and common sense
Come in different quantities
My heart began to
Skip to the beat
Of the boy next door
She had her eye across the street
On someone shy and tall
We lived our dreams
And challenged fate
In tears she told me she was late
And sally let his pigeons out to fly...
On the dresser sits a frame
With a photograph
Two little girls in ponytails
Some twenty one years back
She left one night with just a nod
Was lost from some back alley job
I close my eyes and sallys pigeons fly
She never saw those birds again
And me, I cant remember when
A pirate smile hasnt made me cry
I close my eyes
And sallys pigeons fly...
song performed by by Cyndi Lauper
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Early Works - Tooter
For Maurice Callard
The Great Gatsby in his forte
from the old man’s tears
to a group twinkling in the garden.
Alas, this is not my exercise,
I am supposing to big head the tooter.
I am supposing to what?
Oh yes, what he represents to me.
Well, let me see
a fellow author, a good-looking fellow.
Yes, I would agree with these.
Now what about his bad points?
You say he hasn’t any.
Well just one or two.
What are they you ask?
You cannot think of any at the moment.
Well, never mind we’ll discuss the good points in some depth.
A fellow author.
Well, yes, he is good in fact,
some might even say quite brilliant.
A good-looking fellow.
Well, with the romantic look of Robert Redford
and ruggedness of Clint Eastwood
need I say anymore?
A good teacher,
I don’t think there are any complaints.
Look, I’ve been going for five years,
but maybe I’m a slow learner!
A very helpful fellow.
Yes, I would agree with this.
I agree with anything,
but above all my comedy
and jest my work purposes.
I find him a good friend and honest critic
no author could ask for more.
25 March 1981
Authors Note:
This was written tongue-in-cheek about my good friend for nearly twenty years. When I read this out at one of his classes, everyone had a good laugh including Maurice himself. To me he was not only a teacher, friend but at times a surrogate father as my own father had no time for my writing. Although he is no longer with us all who knew him, miss him.
poem by David Harris
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Death, Is A Pirate...
Death, Is A Pirate
Who, Plunders Our Treasure
In Stolen Lives
And Grief, Without Measure
Death, Raids The Waters
Of All Humankind
Death, Is The Thief
Who Treads Our Time
His Cannonballs Blast
Dreams To Oblivion
His Skull and Crossbones
Raze Horizons
Death, Sails The Seas
Of All Mortal Beings
The Dreaded Sea King’s
Patch-Eye … Is Seeking
And Boot-Leg To Loot
Our Lagoons Of Love
Death Is Looking To Fill
His Deadman’s Chest Of:
... Gems Of Light
Jewels Of Laughter
The Family’s Gold and Silver …
Death, Is After
Death’s Salty Water
Crusts Our Ships’ Hold
Anchors Our Hopes
Plunge Cutlass To Souls
… Divides ill-gotten-gains
With Greedy Hands
As His Shipwreck Spoil
Reach No- Man’s-Land
Death, Is A Pirate
Who Takes Great Pleasure
To Turn Our Riches
Into Buried Treasure
But An Admiral Of Mercy
With The Flag Of The Son! ….
Will Blow Death’s Fleet
To Kingdom Come!
And Barricade Stronghold
With A Mighty Command
To Unearth The Wealth
Of The Lost Treasure Island
* * *
Death, As A Pirate
Was Put To Rest
By The Almighty Admiral
His Name, We Bless
Written & ©: 5/24/10
By: The MoonBee
poem by MoonBee Canady
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Pondering Pirates
PONDERING PIRATES
Edward Iacona
There has remained a fascination
That has lasted through the years,
Of pirates, ships and the treasures
Of those adventurous buccaneers.
It is very obvious in these times
That pirates are still quite popular
In films and books and games and such
But not the real ones in Somalia.
We also pay them homage
With 'Talk Like a Pirate Day'
So salt yer speech me hearties
And add 'Arrgh' to what you say.
There are pirate costumes for Halloween
Some will buy them and some will make them.
But a real pirate would not ask for treats
He'd just threaten you and take them.
There are the Pittsburgh Pirates
And to further what my case is.
What could those pirates possibly steal
Except for a couple of bases.
There are Neuveau Pirates of today
That have no need to prowl the seas.
They can be found in the local laundromat
Selling inexpensive DVD's
Still some laud the life of pirates,
They will act so and admire it
What always puzzles me is that,
Why do they desire it?
Back in the day a real pirate
Had not much which to aspire;
Rare promotions, no paid benefits
And no security on which to retire.
For all the riches that they stole
Which was a considerable pile
What good did it really do them?
I don't think it changed their life style.
Yet thoughts of pirates still surround us
Be they fiction, real or on a line of scrimmage.
But, no matter how one thinks of them,
It took Disney to change their image.
poem by Edward Iacona
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A Pirate Hooks
My craving lands like a pirate horde
grappling onto my fleeing ship
swinging on ropes
til they board
in critical numbers
large enough
to overwhelm
my resistance.
They all have the same face
and while my sword is sharp and swift
I'm soon overcome by desire mixed
as pirate laughter rings
throughout my ship
reminding me of what
I like about pirates
and their lust.
For pirates
live on the edge,
laugh low in the guttural throat
they shiver my timbers;
my attraction bursts.
They make me love the pirate life;
unsafe
and a little rough;
but trading off there
smothering boredom
and life freed
from correct complacencies.
Humm.
Who has not inside
a secret pirate heart?
Who would not like to swoop down
and grapple life from stilled ships
and drifting hulks, startle complacent faces
and make off with Life's Treasures?
Who would not choose
life over death?
My Hearty?
poem by Lonnie Hicks
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Captain Teach alias Black Beard
Edward Teach was a native of Bristol, and sailed from that port
On board a privateer, in search of sport,
As one of the crew, during the French War in that station,
And for personal courage he soon gained his Captain's approbation.
'Twas in the spring of 1717, Captajn Harnigold and Teach sailed from Providence
For the continent of America, and no further hence;
And in their way captured a vessel laden with flour,
Which they put on board their own vessels in the space of an hour.
They also seized two other vessels snd took some gallons of wine,
Besides plunder to a considerable value, and most of it most costly design;
And after that they made a prize of a large French Guinea-man,
Then to act an independent part Teach now began.
But the news spread throughout America, far and near,
And filled many of the inhabitants' hearts with fear;
But Lieutenant Maynard with his sloops of war directly steered,
And left James River on the 17th November in quest of Black Beard,
And on the evening of the 21st came in sight of the pirate;
And when Black Beard spied his sloops he felt elate.
When he saw the sloops sent to apprehend him,
He didn't lose his courage, but fiendishly did grin;
And told his men to cease from drinking and their tittle-tattle,
Although he had only twenty men on board, and prepare for battle.
In case anything should happen to him during the engagement,
One of his men asked him, who felt rather discontent,
Whether his wife knew where he had buried his pelf,
When he impiously replied that nobody knew but the devil and himself.
In the Morning Maynard weighed and sent his boat to sound,
Which, coming near the pirate, unfortunately ran aground;
But Maynard lightened his vessel of the ballast and water,
Whilst from the pirates' ship small shot loudly did clatter.
But the pirates' small shot or slugs didn't Maynard appal,
He told his men to take their cutlasses and be ready upon his call;
And to conceal themselves every man below,
While he would remain at the helm and face the foe.
Then Black Beard cried, "They're all knocked on the head,"
When he saw no hand upon deck he thought they were dead;
Then Black Beard boarded Maynard'a sloop without dismay,
But Maynard's men rushed upon deck, then began the deadly fray.
Then Black Beard and Maynard engaged sword in hand,
And the pirate fought manfully and made a bold stand;
And Maynard with twelve men, and Black Beard with fourteen,
Made the most desperate and bloody conflict that ever was seen.
At last with shots and wounds the pirate fell down dead,
Then from his body Maynard severed the pirate's head,
And suspended it upon his bowsprit-end,
And thanked God Who so mercifully did him defend.
Black Beard derived his name from his long black beard,
Which terrified America more than any comet that had ever appeared;
But, thanks be to God, in this age we need not be afeared,
Of any such pirates as the inhuman Black Beard.
poem by William Topaz McGonagall
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The Avocado Mutiny
I'll tell you a little secret
Girls don't usually tell
Childhood days I can't forget
When I was eight, oh well.
We were a group of five kids
Around the country neighborhood.
A lot of naughty things we did,
They were not really very good.
We'd climb the avocado trees
Pretend we were some pirate.
We'd swing each branch with naval ease,
And give a shout 'Hi Ho there Mate! '
I was their Missy Captain
Who steered the verdant ship.
We'd fight the foe with broken canes,
Who'd dare to cross my helmsmanship.
For meals, we surely had a feast!
A bounty in our cruise ship tree,
So ripe and tasty at the least-
What's more, they were all free.
After a while my crew got sick
And each one had to leave for home.
Resigned their post, gave up their stick,
From meals, a mutiny had come.
Each time I see an avocado
My mates they all come into mind.
I'd do things different now I know,
But a better captain, they can't find!
Cynthia Buhain Baello
August 17,2012
Tarlac City Philippines
poem by Cynthia Buhain-Baello
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A Brief Autobiography
I ran a few road races in the colours of Millstreet
But I was never much of an athlete
One could say I just took part in the race
And I always finished well out of a place.
I had a go at Soccer and Gaelic football
But at those I wasn't any good at all
Just one more hack who never made the grade
Good players like poets are born they cannot be made.
And now I am one who pens doggerel
Though of any literary success sadly I cannot tell
And though years ago I did daydream of fame
In the literary World just one more unknown name.
And though success I cannot claim to know
At least at some things I did have a go
'Tis not true that we can be what we choose
For one to win so many have to lose.
A brief Autobiography in slip-shod rhyme
Of one three decades beyond his physical prime
and very close now to his use by date
And without any success to celebrate.
poem by Francis Duggan
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Princess and Unicorn
Seeing the princess outdoors
was an everyday occurrence
Everyone had heard of and seen
the daughter of the king
Spending time in the rose garden
was a regular recurrence
Enjoying the many different
roses in the spring
Seeing a unicorn would be a very
rare occasion
Everyone had heard of the
magnificent creature
Of beauty and of a magical
persuasion
Very few had ever seen one
only in imagination
The crew and pirate had just committed
a secret rose garden invasion
His smile was like laughter he could
not contain
Seeing the princess walk
into the garden with elation
The unicorn he did capture after
the gentle summer rain
Behind the princess was
the sun of fire
Seeing the unicorn tied to a rosebush
framed by the seven shades of
the rainbow
With a note from the pirates of the
ship named Inspire
For the lovely princess a unicorn
with a magical glow
Was her favourite desire
poem by Rachel Nichols
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The Pirate's Bride
Sometimes in the light at the edge of the world
Is the ghost of a ship with it's black sail furled
And night after night she would stand on the shore
And dream of the love that she knew before
The tide rolls out, the tide rolls in
Without a thought for the ways of men
We set sail for the Spanish Main
To rob the ships of the Queen of Spain
And she would be his pirate's bride
She gave him the pistol and the sword at his side
The tide rolls out, the tide rolls in
Without a care for the ways of men
I'd give three ships of Spanish gold
To see my love again
Full fathom five my true love lies
In a fine wooden casket with gold on his eyes
Where is the glory and where is the pride?
Where is the joy for the pirate's bride?
The tide rolls out, the tide rolls in
Without a care for the ways of men
Here in the light at the edge of the world
He'd wait for a ship with it's black sail furled
And day after day he would stand on the shore
And dream of the life that they knew before
The tide rolls out, the tide rolls in
Without a care for the ways of men
I'd give three ships of Spanish gold
To see my love again
song performed by by Sting
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.
quote by Todd Barry
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Five Short Minutes
Written by - Jim Croce
Well, she was standing by my dressing room after the show
Asking for my autograph and asked if she could go
Back to my motel room. But the rest is just a tragic tale
Because five short minutes of lovin'
Done brought me twenty long years in jail
Well, like a fool in a hurry I took her to my room
She casted me in plaster while I sang her a tune
Then I said, "Ooh, ooee!" Sure was a tragic tale
Because five short minutes of lovin'
Done brought me twenty long years in jail
Well, then a judge and a jury sat me in a room
They say that robbin' the cradle is worse than robbin' the tomb
Then I said "Ooh, ooee!" Sure was a tragic tale
(Wasn't worth it, wasn't worth it!)
Because five short minutes of lovin'
Done brought me twenty long years in jail
And when I get out of this prison gonna be forty-five
I'll know I used to like to do it but I won't remember why
(Wasn't worth it, wasn't worth it!)
I'll say "Ooh, ooee! Sure was a tragic tale
Because five short minutes of lovin'
Done brought me twenty long years in jail"
Because five short minutes of lovin'
Done brought me twenty long years in jail
song performed by by Jim Croce
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Tales From The Ship
Somewhere in the beautiful
Caribbean ocean
Our lovely princess was
captured by a smile
Her father didn't notice all
of the commotion
These pirates had plans to
carry her to the Secret Isle
Dear Father, Please come
and save me quick
I am being held prisoner
on this creaky old ship
These criminals seem to know
every trick
There is a skull and crossbones flag
with a rip
The flamboyant pirate is a dead ringer
for Johnny Depp
with a squawking parrot sitting
on his shoulder
He is chatting with me and doing
a dance step
If these scoundrels get any
bolder
I will have to take them out with
my.50 Cal English Flintlock
After five days travel and arriving
at the Secret Isle
The weather was perfect and so was
everyone's mood
Our princess was still beautiful and
arriving in style
There was so many people and there
was so much food
The pirate had taken her to this
amazing party
poem by Rachel Nichols
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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