If You Want To Become Obese, Catch A Cold (Fun Poem 37)
According to a news story, I read yesterday.
Every time to cough or sneeze,
you put on an extra pound or two.
According to the scientists, obesity can be party blamed
to the good old common cold.
Now if their figures are right
I should be weighing in at about ten tons by now,
as I rarely seem to be without a cold,
spring summer, winter or fall.
Mind you, it would help to explain
why people remark that my wife
seems a lot shorter than I do.
She is standing in my footprints,
which make potholes wherever I go.
However, it gets better than that;
they say the virus is transmitted through our dirty hands.
I am assuming they want us to wash
our hands every five minutes of the day.
In that case, we should carry a bowl of water
around our necks, with a bar of soap and some disposable towels.
You have to laugh at this though.
I remember a few years ago the self same scientists
sent a troupe of scouts away for a month and told them not to wash.
When they came back dirty from head to foot,
the scientist declared they had fewer germs
on them than someone who showered every day.
Now they are telling us dirty hands help us catch colds and obesity.
So we can forget about the diets and the expensive gyms.
All we have to beware of is the common cold,
of which they have never found a cure for,
because if we catch one you can stack on the pounds.
You may even become like me a ten-ton weakling!
poem by David Harris
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
Common Cold
Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.
By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!
Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.
Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.
A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!
poem by Ogden Nash
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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A slave boy is blamed no matter what he does: If he does not wash his hands, he is accused of being dirty. If he washes his hands, he is accused of wasting water.
She is as undecided as an orphan: if she does not wash her hands, she will be told that she is a dirty child; if she washes her hands she will be told that she is wasting water.
Down And Dirty
She's a dancing girl who brings up the heat
Hits on all the men
She knows how to move and make you feel
Like you want to get into sin
A chocolate bar was going really far
Really made me catch my breath
So she had an unordinary glance
I got down tools in the chest
Down and dirty
You're down and dirty, alright
She's down and dirty
You're down and dirty
She twisted her ass around drinks
While the dirty works the girl's booty
Whispered in my ear what I want to hear
Says, "Come with me baby, let's play." (Okay!)
She went to the back to get her traps
My sixth sense was bothering me
She came to work and something I heard
Makes me want to get comfy
Down and dirty
She's down and dirty, alright
Get down and dirty
Get down (Listen)
Down and dirty
Woo!
Alright
Ooh yeah
Well there's something going on
Something I've never known before
Leather and lace is all that I can see
I lost my power of will
You know she should be still
Never thought I'd get hit by some teen, no
I start to bleed, have mercy on me
I'm feelin' a bit distressed
What you're doing to me is so obscene
Got myself into a mess
She started to dance, I grabbed my pants
Found my way to the door
Hot on my trail, a thousand females
Saying, "Baby, more more more!"
Down and dirty
(Hurt me)
Down and dirty
(Well, well, well)
Down and dirty
(Oh yeah)
Get down and dirty
(She is)
Get down (Down)
Get dirty (Dirty)
Take me down (Alright)
One more
Get down (Oh yeah)
Get dirty (Turn around)
Get down (Come over here)-
song performed by by Quiet Riot
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Car Wash
Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch
(This is a Shark Tale exclusive)
Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch
(Here we go again) (2004)
Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch
(Say what, say what) (phenomenal hit)
Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch
(Yeah)
Ooh, do do do do do do do
Car wash, car wash
Ooh, do do do do do do do
Car wash, car wash
(Yeah, let's drop it on 'em like this)
Ooh, do do do do do do, na na na ah, ooh
Ooh, do do do do do do, na na na ah, ooh
You might not ever get rich, ha
Let me tell you it's better than digging a ditch
There ain't no telling who you might meet
A movie star or maybe a common thief
Working at the car wash (oh oh, yeah yeah)
At the car wash, yeah (ooh, yeah yeah)
At the car wash (sing it with me now)
Working at the car wash, yeah
(Oh, oh)
Come summer the work gets kind of hard
This ain't no place to be if you're planning on being a star
Let me tell you it's always cool
And the boss don't mind sometimes if you're acting like a fool
Working at the car wash (oh oh, yeah yeah)
At the car wash, yeah (ooh ooh ooh)
At the car wash (ow said, now come and work it with me now, yeah)
Working at the car wash, yeah
Said, said, said, sing
(Work and work)
Well those cars never stop coming
(Work and work)
Keep those rags and machines humming
(Work and work)
My fingers to the bone
(Work and work)
Keep on and can't wait till it's time to go home
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Hey, get your car washed today
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Fill up and you don't have to pay
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Hey, get your car washed today
Give it up, right away
Missy Elliott:
Work at the, car wash
Sharks in the water make they jaws lock
When I swim through the grim, I'm too hot
Y'all can make y'all bets
Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch
Shark slayer, bow down playa
'Cause this right here will be your worst nightmare (nightmare)
Work that, work that, pop back, hurt that
Turn this up and bang it all up in the surface
(Work and work)
9 to 5 I gotta keep that fat stack coming
(Work and work) (work it)
No matter how big the shark is, the right keep running
(Work and work)
Washing cars ain't no place to be a superstar man
(Work and work)
That's why I work, and work
Working at the car wash (ohhh, yeah)
At the car wash, yeah (come on work it, baby work it, say now)
At the car wash (ahh)
Working at the car wash, yeah
So come on, come on, come on, come on, come on
Ooh, do do do do do do, na na na ah, ooh
(Now keep it coming)
Ooh, do do do do do do (woo, so), na na na ah, ooh
(You may not ever get rich, but hey)
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Hey, get your car washed today (hey)
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Hey, get your car washed today
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Hey, get your car washed today (phenomenal hit)
song performed by by Christina Aguilera
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A Story of Light in Daytime
I was sitting with both my best friend (mind well and dirty minds)
Mind well: Why do you? Been a few days I noticed you always anxious?
Dirty minds(suddenly jumped and danced in front of us)
Me(surprised) : Hey, you surprised me..! !
Dirty mind, he says: Forget him, forget him. I say, forget him.. lalalalaa...
Mind well (screaming) : What do you mean? !
Dirty minds: Why do you continue to keep him in mind? While you certainly feel hurt! What a fool you. (Mind my evil stare sharp)
Me: I'm...
Dirty minds: stupid people! That's right, stupid! Its still just thinking about it, expect it. Did you know he's thinking the same as you? Stupid, stupid, stupid.. lalalalalaa (dirty minds again danced for joy)
Mind well (up to me to hug me) tried to calm myself: You shut up - not noisy and ugly dancing like that in front of us.
Dirty minds: Yes yes yes because she is foolish.. Hahaha.. Silly girl! (Laughter off shrill and deafening) . Did not she already get a replacement then why still hold him in all his feelings? Huh!
Mind well asked me: Yeah right he said. I agree and I know it, you've got someone better than him, why are you still double your heart? What is against you about him? While the new arrivals he is better than he that old?
Me(only able to look at both my best friend without the energy of heart) . I throw away my eyes from them, staring blankly existing floor..
Mind well: Follow your heart. Because he is 'the voice of your Lord' - he'll lead you to the peace of your heart..
Dirty minds (replied) : Yaa she is right.. Forget him. Once again, forget about him, stupid girl. Take care of the new arrival, get rid of him a long time because you will not need it anymore.
Me: My best friend! (I cried) Now I know what to do now! And who I care about now! Yes yes yes, I know now - I know it now..
I grab the hands of dirty minds I took him to dance..
Dirty minds try to tease me: Heyy, take your hands out of my hands, clever girl! Hahaha.. We were laughing and dancing together.
My smile is back now - I will see any peace with you, O, my new lover. Thank my Lord for blessing me.
Copyright © 2012
Dirty Old Town
(ewan mccoll)
Found my love by the gaswork croft
Dreamed a dream by the old canalkissed my girl by the factory wall
Dirty old town, dirty old towni heard a siren from the dock
Saw a train set the night on firesmelled the spring on the sulfured wind
Dirty old town, whoa-oh, dirty old townwere goin to take a good sharp axe
Shining steel tempered in the fireand well chop you down like an old dead tree
Dirty old town, dirty old towndirty old town, whoa-oh, dirty old town
And oh well chop you downoh, dirty, dirty, dirty old town
Dirty old town, dirty old townand oh whoa-oh dirty old town
Chop you down one of these days
song performed by by Rod Stewart
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Dirty White Boy
Hey, baby, if youre feelin down
I know whats good for you all day
Are you worried what your friends see
Will it ruin your reputation lovin me
cause Im a dirty white boy
Yeah a dirty white boy
A dirty white boy
Dont drive no big black car
Dont like no hollywood movie star
You want me to be true to you
You dont give a damn what I do to you
Im just a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, dirty white boy
Dirty white boy
Well, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, yeah, dirty white boy
A dirty white boy
Ive been in trouble since I dont know when
Im in trouble now and I now somehow Ill find trouble again
Im a loner, but Im never alone
Every night I get one step closer to the danger zone
cause Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, yeah, dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy
Cmon, cmon boy
Dirty white boy, white boy
Dirty white boy, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy
Hey, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, yeah, Im a dirty white boy
Dirty white boy, dirty white boy, yeah
song performed by by Foreigner
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Dirty Dawg
You should have treated me right
But you left me lonely and cold at night.
Since you wont, someone will
Treat me better and be for real.
If you didnt want it you shoulda let me know
But since you didnt want it, then girl you got to go.
You left me sad and lonely, and ran away from home
So since Im not your only, then go and fetch your bone.
Chrous:
Dawg, dirty dawg, dawg, dirty dawg,
Dawg, ooh, youre a dirty, dirty,
Dawg, dirty dawg, dawg, dirty dawg,
Dawg, oh, youre sow damn dirty.
I gave you all that I can
Til I caught you swinginwith another man
But this time you strayed too far
Now you come beggin like the dog you are.
If you didnt want it you shoulda let me know
But since you didnt want it, then girl you got to go.
Dont think that you can play me, and jerk me all around.
You used to be ma baby, now your ass is in the pound.
Chorus:
Dawg, dirty dawg, dawg, dirty dawg,
Oohh, youre a drty, dirty,
Dawg, dirty dawg, dawg, dirty dawg
Oh, youre so damn dirty.
Yo, yo, why you wanna act like a tramp, a wet food stamp,
I think its time for me to break camp
Had a crush on my man the first time we met.
Now what you see is what you get
Lost more than a mil on a gambling bet
So heres the chuckwagon for the dog in you,
Heres the kennelration and the alpo too
Now you know I didnt want her
She tried to back me on a corner told her
Blow the horn like little jack horner
Forever forbidden, the fast girls in life
The fast cars they callem kittens
Theyve been known to amaze
But they cant pull one over me
I got game for days
Save the sap rap for the handicapped
Ive been around the block and I didnt
Fall for the trimmed trap.
Chorus
song performed by by New Kids On The Block
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Land Of Hope & Glory
Uuhhhhhhhh whats the time
Attention!
Raaaahhh....
Bridges,
Sharkey,
Nutlee,
Jackson,
Thompson (mother!)
Well as you can see weve got a new recruit to this land of hope and glory,
Hands behind backs and legs apart and tell us all your unfortunate story...
Who me guv
Yes you sahhh
I was an innocent man till someone grassed me up a plan for earning a some big money
If I hadnt mouthed it about I am sure without doubt I d have missed this land of hope and glory
Well you poor poor sod,
Here youre up at sharp at 6:30
A cold shower, down to breakfast,
Cant have you looking dirty,
I suggest you eat whats given you,
Even if it doesnt agree with you.
Cos its all youll be getting up until 12:30
In between this time you stay up in your room and you can dream about life and good things
Two years of me teenage life
Given to this stand to attention life of land of hope and glory
I get so bored as time goes by,
I think ill do something dirty,
I pick at the floor for juicy butts
And I make meself a smoke,
A bog roll and envelope sticky
All this helps to pass my time
As the evening drags on you can watch a bit of telly
Or gawp at pans people with their little bit of belly
Wash yourself cold with the heat of yesterday
Dont complain, learn the game and Ill get through another day
I watch the second hand on the clock at long last its 930
Off to bed, straight to sleep
As I leave this land of hope and glory
But only for a few seconds am I in exctasy before the bell rings to let me know,shop at 6:30
song performed by by Madness
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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In The Winter
The days are okay
I watch the T.V. in the afternoon
If I get lonely
The sound of other voices
Other rooms are near to me
I'm not afraid
The operator
She tells the time
It's good for a laugh
And there's always radio
And for a dime I can talk to God
Dial-a-prayer
Are you there?
Do you care?
Are you there?
And in the Winter extra blankets for the cold
Fix the heater, getting old
I am wiser now you know
And still as big a fool concerning you
I met your friend
She's very nice, what can I say?
It was an accident
I never dreamed we'd meet again this way
You're looking well
I'm not afraid, yeah
You have a lovely home
Just like a picture
No, I live alone
I found it easier
You must remember how I never liked the party life
Up all night
Lovely wife
You have a lovely wife
And in the Winter extra blankets for the cold
Fix the heater, getting old
You are with her now I know
I'll live alone forever, not together, now
And in the Winter extra blankets for the cold
Fix the heater, getting old
You are with her now I know
I'll live alone forever, not together,
song performed by by Dusty Springfield
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Out In The Cold
The day fell down, the air got cold
I walked out in the street
Daydreamed for a mil e or two
Staring at my feet
Like a workin boy, out of luck
Fallin through the cracks
Night rolled in, I turned back home
A hard wind at my back
Im out in the cold (out in the cold)
Body and soul (out in the cold)
Th eres nowhere to go (out in the cold)
Im out in the cold (out in the cold)
Well I woke up
My brain was stunned
I could come around
I reached out to grab my keys
Tumbled to the ground
I thought of you
Starry eyed
I wondered where we stand
Did I just fall from your arms
Down into your hands
Im out in the cold (out in the cold)
Body and soul (out in the cold)
Theres nowhere to go (out in the cold)
Im out in the cold (out in the cold)
Im out
Standin in a doorway
Im out
Walkin around
Hands in my pockets
Im out in the cold (out in the cold)
Body and soul (out in the cold)
Theres nowhere to go (out in the cold)
Im out in the cold (o ut in the cold)
song performed by by Tom Petty
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Tees spoon
Hand is
Use for eat...
Ok...
Wash every time
At your's hands...
At every works...
Wash your's hands...
Clean...
with clean...
Wash And eat food...
Tell about your children
Today...
Wash hands
And eat...
You are lazy
Don't wash
Your hands...
Use tees spoon...!
poem by Otteri Selvakumar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Wash It Down
I'magine all the words we're spitting
would be killing inside
being trapped in a jungle
be cool don't fight
there are no enemies no justice
but now you need revenge
everytime I show my faces
to earn your respect
I'm an absolute beginner
she's an absolute beginner
but I can't do with it
she can't do with it
I wash it you kick it and spoil it with dirt
nevermind I've got two faces and one of it hurts
What a dirty shirt (x6)
Wash it down
And when you roam with the storm
I'm coming your way
noone can stop me
it's the upcoming day
which shows you the thruth
and then your life gets confused
you might wash a white shirt without my lust
I'm an absolute sinner
she's an absolute sinner
and I need to commit
she needs to commit
I wash it you kick it and spoil it with dirt
nevermind I've got two faces and one of it hurts
What a dirty shirt (x8)
Wash it down
Wash it (x10)
Wash it down
Wash it down
Wash it down
My dirty shirt
Wash it down
(repeat)
Hey
Wash it down
WASH IT DOWN
Aieee (x2)
Yeah yeah yeah
I wash it (x5)
WASH IT (x2)
song performed by by Guano Apes from Proud Like A God
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Dirty Laundry
I make my living off the Evening News
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry
Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em all around
We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who
comes on at five
She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam
in her eye
It's interesting when people die-
Give us dirty laundry
Can we film the operation?
Is the heir dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're stiff
Kick 'em all around
Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry
We can do "The Innuendo"
We can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
We all know that Crap is King
Give us dirty laundry!
song performed by by Lisa Marie Presley
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Indecision is like a stepchild if he does not wash his hands, he is called dirty, if he does, he is wasting water.
Indecision is like a stepchild: if he does not wash his hands, he is called dirty, if he does, he is wasting water.
Dirty Laundry
I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry
Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I dont have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em all around
We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who
Comes on at five
She can tell you bout the plane crash with a gleam
In her eye
Its interesting when people die-
Give us dirty laundry
Can we film the operation?
Is the head dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a
Running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry
You dont really need to find out whats going on
You dont really want to know just how far its gone
Just leave well enough alone
Eat your dirty laundry
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre stiff
Kick em all around
Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybodys pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry
We can do the innuendo
We can dance and sing
When its said and done we havent told you a thing
We all know that crap is king
Give us dirty laundry!
song performed by by Don Henley
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Indecision is like the stepchild: if he doesn't wash his hands, he is called dirty; if he does, he is wasting the water.
Winter Complaint
Now when I have a cold
I am careful with my cold,
I consult a physician
And I do as I am told.
I muffle up my torso
In woolly woolly garb,
And I quaff great flagons
Of sodium bicarb.
I munch on aspirin,
I lunch on water,
And I wouldn’t dream of osculating
Anybody’s daughter,
And to anybody’s son
I wouldn’t say howdy,
For I am a sufferer
Magna cum laude.
I don’t like germs,
But I’ll keep the germs I’ve got.
Will I take a chance of spreading them?
Definitely not.
I sneeze out the window
And I cough up the flue,
And I live like a hermit
Till the germs get through.
And because I’m considerate,
Because I’m wary,
I am treated by my friends
Like Typhoid Mary.
Now when you have a cold
You are careless with your cold,
You are cocky as a gangster
Who has just been paroled.
You ignore your physician,
You eat steaks and oxtails,
You stuff yourself with starches,
You drink lots of cocktails,
And you claim that gargling
Is a time of waste,
And you won’t take soda
For you don’t like the taste,
And you prowl around parties
Full of selfish bliss,
And greet your hostess
With a genial kiss.
You convert yourself
Into a deadly missle,
You exhale Hello’s
Like a steamboat wistle.
You sneeze in the subway
And you cough at dances,
And let everybody else
Take their own good chances.
You’re a bronchial boor,
A bacterial blighter,
And you get more invitations
Than a gossip writer.
Yes, your throat is froggy,
And your eyes are swimmy,
And you hand is clammy,
And you nose is brimmy,
But you woo my girls
And their hearts you jimmy
While I sit here
With the cold you gimmy.
poem by Ogden Nash
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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