Mr. Sheets
The Devil stood before the gate
Of Heaven. He had a single mate:
Behind him, in his shadow, slunk
Clay Sheets in a perspiring funk.
'Saint Peter, see this season ticket,'
Said Satan; 'pray undo the wicket.'
The sleepy Saint threw slight regard
Upon the proffered bit of card,
Signed by some clerical dead-beats:
'Admit the bearer and Clay Sheets.'
Peter expanded all his eyes:
''Clay Sheets?'-well, I'll be damned!' he cries.
'Our couches are of golden cloud;
Nothing of earth is here allowed.
I'll let you in,' he added, shedding
On Nick a smile-'but not your bedding.'
poem by Ambrose Bierce
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Related quotes
St. Peter At The Golden Gate
St. Peter at the Golden Gate
Explained, for me it’s much too late
That Heaven’s gate, without a doubt
Was built right there to keep me out
It’s common knowledge, I’m no Saint
But a real bad guy, I surely ain’t
Heaven knows, I’ve done some wrong
But it doesn’t mean I don’t belong
I know I’m not the most devout
But pray, St. Peter, don’t fence me out
I promise I won’t cause chagrin
To those in Heaven, all fenced in
I’ll run a casino for all to enjoy
I’ll run it as pure as an altar boy
And dear St. Peter, I give you this pledge
At Heaven’s casino, I’ll give you an edge
So you see, St. Peter, Heaven can’t wait
What’s needed in Heaven, is me, your soul mate
Do what you can to unlock the key
So together we’ll be, St. Peter and me…
poem by Stanley Cooper
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Two Husbands
Unpenitent, I grieve to state,
Two good men stood by heaven's gate,
Saint Peter coming to await.
The stopped the Keeper of the Keys,
Saying: "What suppliants are these,
Who wait me not on bended knees?
"To get my heavenly Okay
A man should have been used to pray,
Or suffered in some grievous way."
"Oh I have suffered," cried the first.
"Of wives I had the wicked worst,
Who made my life a plague accurst.
"Such martyrdom no tongue can tell;
In mercy's name it is not well
To doom me to another hell."
Saint Peter said: "I comprehend;
But tribulations have their end.
The gate is open, - go my friend."
Then said the second: "What of me?
More I deserve to pass than he,
For I've been wedded twice, you see."
Saint Peter looked at him a while,
And then he answered with a smile:
"Your application I will file.
"Yet twice in double yoke you've driven . . .
Though sinners with our Saints we leaven,
We don't take IMBECILES in heaven."
poem by Robert William Service
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Stone
The days have passed, nights are gone,
I'm still in love with a stone,
The seasons changed, the clay too came,
I still hold it with no moan,
The clay comes to me in so many shapes,
Wants me to hold it, whatever it may take,
But clay can hurt me, clay may fake,
Even if it's clay, I have a heart it can break,
The season may change,
The clay may go,
Slowing my heart beat,
All time low,
Stone is hard,
Stone is black,
Stone is emotionless,
Doesn't stab at back,
The clay, the stone, both make me die,
But if a stone does, even the clay may cry...
and I'll never ask why...
It's better to live with a stone,
not clay,
Clay is soft, but it hurts,
which is not the stone's way.....
poem by Apurva Jain
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Sonnet: Heaven’s Our Goal
Oh, never mind if you’re just a cipher,
In things of earthly mould and clay domain;
Your origin’s from clay- well decipher!
Your soul off sin, you always must regain.
And like a Phoenix, you must rise from dust,
Tho’ dead by sin, a mountain-load in weight;
For, victory with the devil is a must,
And love of God will arrange for souls freight.
How can one live in luxury on earth,
And be a saint all life at the same time?
How can one attain Heaven without birth,
Or do misdeeds, yet make one’s life sublime?
What if you gain the world but lose your soul?
For Salvation to each one is prime goal.
6-28-2002 by Dr John Celes
poem by John Celes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Judgment Day
Saint Peter stood, at Heaven's gate,
All souls claims to adjudicate
Saying to some souls, 'Enter in!'
'Go to Hell,' to others, 'you are steeped in sin.'
When up from earth, with a great hubbub,
Came all the members of the Tuscarora Club.
The angel Gabriel, peering out,
Said, 'What, the devil, is this noise about?'
'Gabe,' said Peter, 'There's always lots of noise,
At any get-together of the Tuscarora boys -
Those are anglers and they all tell lies
About the trout that got away, their fierceness and their size -
They want to enter Heaven, for our brooks are full of trout,
But I won't have any liars, and I'll keep the whole gang out;
No liars enter Heaven, and I'll most distinctly tell
The whole danged Tuscarora Club, it has to go to Hell.'
Then, at a little distance from the precious pearly gate,
The Tuscarora fellows paused to talk and cogitate;
One Barr said this, one Barr said that, McAlpin had his say,
But foxy Charley Roberts said, 'This is the only way -
'You'd best leave this to me,' he said. 'Just let me handle Pete
and in a trice we'll be inside upon the golden street;
I'll show him that he's one of us, because he used to be,
Himself, a brother fisher, in the Sea of Gallilee-
And I move you, Mr. President, we make the poor old dub
An honorary member of the Tuscarora Club.'
'Agreed! Agreed!' the members cried, but Manny Barr said, 'Wait!
Amend it thus 'PROVIDED - That he didn't fish with bait.''
Saint Peter saw them coming but his face was hard and stern,
He had formed his resolution from which he would not turn,
Not even Roberts' palaver would ever change him so
He'd send the Tuscarorans anywhere, but down below.
But now upon his countenance there came a look of pain,
He stepped from foot to foot, and then from foot to foot again:
He hailed a new-come resident, who near the portal stood,
A goodly Christian gentleman, whose name was Hubert Wood.
He said to him, 'Come here, my friend, and tend awhile this gate-
Just take my place for half an hour - I've got to urinate.'
With that Saint Peter hustled off. The gate-keeper pro tem
Observed the Tuscarorans and he waved his hand at them.
'Come in! come in!' he shouted, for he was an angler, too,
And he knew that anglers, as a whole, were earth's most harmless crew.
So all the Tuscarorans got to heaven, thanks to Wood,
And the Secretary's last report says, 'Fishing there is good.'
poem by Ellis Parker Butler
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Peace Proposal
Said General Clay to General Gore really must we fight this silly war
To kill and die in such a bore I quite agree said General Gore
Said General Gore to General Clay we could go to the beach today
And have some icecream on the way a grand idea said General Clay
Said General Clay to General Gore we'll build sand castles on the shore
Said General Gore we'll splash and play let's leave right now said General Clay
Said General Gore to General Clay but what if the sea's closed today
And what if the sand's been blown away the dreadful thought said General Clay
Said General Gore to General Clay I've always feared the ocean's spray
And we may drown it's true we may it chills my blood said General Clay
Said General Clay to General Gore my bathin' suit is slightly tore
We better go on with our war I quite agree said General Gore
The General Clay chanrged General Gore as bullets flew and cannons roared
And now at last there is no more of General Clay or General Gore
poem by Sheldon Allan Silverstein
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
The Generals
Said General Clay to General Gore,
'Oh must we fight this silly war?
To kill and die is such a bore.'
'I quite agree,' said General Gore.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
'We could go to the beach today
And have some ice cream on the way.'
'A grand idea,' said General Clay.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
'But what if the sea is closed today?
And what if the sand's been blown away?'
'A dreadful thought,' said General Clay.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
'I've always feared the ocean's spray,
And we may drown!' 'It's true, we may.
It chills my blood,' said General Clay.
Said General Clay to General Gore,
'My bathing suit is slightly tore.
We'd better go on with our war.'
'I quite agree,' said General Gore.
Then General Clay charged General Gore
As bullets flew and cannons roared.
And now, alas! there is no more
Of General Clay or General Gore.
poem by Sheldon Allan Silverstein
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Crispy Sheets
I always like to meet
Under fresh crispy sheets
To feel its coolness against my skin
I get so excited I don't know where to begin
Maybe start by putting my arms around a pillow
Then stretch out and switch on the radio
Roll over and look out of the window
Watch a cloud cross the sun and cast a shadow
Get up, make coffee and go back to bed
Pick up a book that I've just read
Turn a page and then close my eyes
And fall asleep, there's a surprise
Let the quietness drift away my dream
Lying covered in linen sheets of light cream
Only to be woken up by a cat purring in my ear
There's no place I'd rather be than here
Oh wonderful Crispy Sheets
poem by JeanJacques Evendon
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Unarmed
Saint Peter sat at the jasper gate,
When Stephen M. White arrived in state.
'Admit me.' 'With pleasure,' Peter said,
Pleased to observe that the man was dead;
'That's what I'm here for. Kindly show
Your ticket, my lord, and in you go.'
White stared in blank surprise. Said he
'I _run_ this place-just turn that key.'
'Yes?' said the Saint; and Stephen heard
With pain the inflection of that word.
But, mastering his emotion, he
Remarked: 'My friend, you're too d-- free;
'I'm Stephen M., by thunder, White!'
And, 'Yes?' the guardian said, with quite
The self-same irritating stress
Distinguishing his former yes.
And still demurely as a mouse
He twirled the key to that Upper House.
Then Stephen, seeing his bluster vain
Admittance to those halls to gain,
Said, neighborly: 'Pray tell me. Pete,
Does any one contest my seat?'
The Saint replied: 'Nay, nay, not so;
But you voted always wrong below:
'Whate'er the question, clear and high
You're voice rang: '_I_,' '_I_,' ever '_I_.''
Now indignation fired the heart
Of that insulted immortal part.
'Die, wretch!' he cried, with blanching lip,
And made a motion to his hip,
With purpose murderous and hearty,
To draw the Democratic party!
He felt his fingers vainly slide
Upon his unappareled hide
(The dead arise from their 'silent tents'
But not their late habiliments)
Then wailed-the briefest of his speeches:
'I've left it in my other breeches!'
poem by Ambrose Bierce
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Three Sheets To The Wind
Verse 1
Isn't it about time
yes, I've played this part before
I can recall each line
I'll cry out-Don't go
and you turn and walk away
I scream out-what about our yesterdays
knowing inside
this heart is going to break
Chorus
And later on
here I'll be
lonely and blue-three sheets to the wind
Tryin' to wash you out of my head and heart
with another drink
another sad song playin' on the radio
Like Remember When and Three Sheets To The Wind
three sheets to the wind
Verse 2
So you don't have to pretend
honey, it's that same old story-heard it all before
Got all the information I need
facts are so easy to see
Even a blind man would know
it ain't you and I anymore
Chorus
And later on
here I'll be
lonely and blue-three sheets to the wind
Tryin' to wash you out of my head and heart
with another drink
another sad song playin' on the radio
Like Remember When and Three Sheets To The Wind
three sheets to the wind
Verse 3
Well it's okay
had it all figured out
just a matter of time
I'll smile-laugh out loud
go on down to Mexico
lay on the shores
Under that golden sun
and maybe I'll just go on
Chorus
And later on
here I'll be
lonely and blue-three sheets to the wind
Tryin' to wash you out of my head and heart
with another drink
another sad song playin' on the radio
Like Remember When and Three Sheets To The Wind
three sheets to the wind...
poem by Daniel Wittfoth
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
One And One Are Two
The trumpet sounded and the dead
Came forth from earth and ocean,
And Pickering arose and sped
Aloft with wobbling motion.
'What makes him fly lop-sided?' cried
A soul of the elected.
'One ear was wax,' a rogue replied,
'And isn't resurrected.'
Below him on the pitted plain,
By his abandoned hollow,
His hair and teeth tried all in vain
The rest of him to follow.
Saint Peter, seeing him ascend,
Came forward to the wicket,
And said: 'My mutilated friend,
I'll thank you for your ticket.'
'The _Call_,' said Pickering, his hand
To reach the latch extended.
Said Peter, affable and bland:
'The free-list is suspended
'What claim have you that's valid here?'
That ancient vilifier
Reflected; then, with look austere,
Replied: 'I am a liar.'
Said Peter: 'That is simple, neat
And candid Anglo-Saxon,
But-well, come in, and take a seat
Up there by Colonel Jackson.'
poem by Ambrose Bierce
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Little Saint Nick
Oooooooo
Merry christmas saint nick
Christmas comes this time each year
Oooooooo oooooooo
Well, way up north where the air gets cold
Theres a tale about christmas that youve all been told
And a real famous cat all dressed up in red
And he spends the whole year workin out on his sled
Its the little saint nick
Ooooo, little saint nick
Its the little saint nick
Ooooo, little saint nick
Just a little bobsled we call it old saint nick
But shell walk a toboggan with a four speed stick
Shes candy-apple red with a ski for a wheel
And when santa hits the gas, man, just watch her peel
Its the little saint nick
Ooooo, little saint nick
Its the little saint nick
Ooooo, little saint nick
Run run reindeer
Run run reindeer
Whoaa
Run run reindeer
Run run reindeer
He dont miss no one
And haulin through the snow at a frightenin speed
With a half a dozen deer with rudy to lead
Hes gotta wear his goggles cause the snow really flies
And hes cruisin every pad with a little surprise
Its the little saint nick
Ooooo, little saint nick
Its the little saint nick
Ooooo, little saint nick
Ahhhhhh
Oooooooo
Merry christmas saint nick
Christmas comes this time each year
Ahhhhhh
Oooooooo
Merry christmas saint nick
Christmas comes this time each year
Ahhhhhh
Oooooooo
Merry christmas saint nick
Christmas comes this time each year
song performed by by Beach Boys
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!
One Of The Redeemed
Saint Peter, standing at the Gate, beheld
A soul whose body Death had lately felled.
A pleasant soul as ever was, he seemed:
His step was joyous and his visage beamed.
'Good morning, Peter.' There was just a touch
Of foreign accent, but not overmuch.
The Saint bent gravely, like a stately tree,
And said: 'You have the advantage, sir, of me.'
'Renan of Paris,' said the immortal part
'A master of the literary art.
'I'm somewhat famous, too, I grieve to tell,
As controversialist and infidel.'
'That's of no consequence,' the Saint replied,
'Why, I myself my Master once denied.
'No one up here cares anything for that.
But is there nothing you were always at?
'It seems to me you were accused one day
Of _something_-what it was I can't just say.'
'Quite likely,' said the other; 'but I swear
My life was irreproachable and fair.'
Just then a soul appeared upon the wall,
Singing a hymn as loud as he could bawl.
About his head a golden halo gleamed,
As well befitted one of the redeemed.
A harp he bore and vigorously thumbed,
Strumming he sang, and, singing, ever strummed.
His countenance, suffused with holy pride,
Glowed like a pumpkin with a light inside.
'Ah! that's the chap,' said Peter, 'who declares:
'Renan's a rake and drunkard-smokes and swears.'
'Yes, that's the fellow-he's a preacher-came
From San Francisco. Mansfield was his name.'
'Do you believe him?' said Renan. 'Great Scott!
Believe? Believe the blackguard? Of course _not!
'Just walk right in and make yourself at home.
And if he pecks at you I'll cut his comb.
'He's only here because the Devil swore
He wouldn't have him, for the smile he wore.'
Resting his eyes one moment on that proof
Of saving grace, the Frenchman turned aloof,
And stepping down from cloud to cloud, said he:
'Thank you, monsieur,-I'll see if he'll have _me_.'
poem by Ambrose Bierce
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Clean white sheets
Clean white sheets upon my bed
cradle my body but not my head.
My head's never cradled. It's too full.
It's too noisy. There is no lull.
I wash them routinely every week.
If I hung them outside the neighbors would speak.
Their words would complement the sight
of clean white sheets I use at night.
But they don't know how I'm awake
and how those sheets never give me a break.
I make the bed up and I think
'If only I could catch a wink.'
I'd praise those sheets on every day
and finally I'd be able to say.
'Clean white sheets upon my bed
you've found a way to cradle my head.'
poem by Edwina Reizer
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
In Saint Gabriel's Wings
In saint gabriel's wings I fly over living waters
And all over the mountains all the way to the blue sky above
The people here on earth
Yes with Saint's Gabriel I will be in Heaven tomorrow
And I will enter the gate of heaven
And in God's above I will be because now I am dead
So don't look for me on the earth because I am not there
I am now resting in heaven forever
I shall cry in heaven
And my tears will run down from heaven
Also my spirit will be in heaven
My body is the only thing that will remain on the planet earth
poem by Aldo Kraas
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Pot
What hand
turned the wheel
threw this pot
shaped the clay?
What eyes
noticed it first
upon the shelf
picked it up?
What heart
fondled the bow
cherished the thought
embraced the gift?
What lives
put it to use
poured the wine
savored the moment?
What hand
moved in anger
threw this pot
shattered the clay?
poem by Mary Havran
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Dirty Sheets, and Secrets
Be done with the dirty sheets.
Some secrets are not to meant to keep.
Violence has no restraints.
A bruise with no complaint.
Women quite quaint.
Be done with the dirty sheets.
Some secrets are not meant to keep.
Infidelity, a double cheat has his reasons indeed.
Never quite complete full of envy.
Theirs a tell tale sign jealousy.
He want nothing to do with you.
How many clues, how many?
Be done with the dirty sheets.
Some secrets are not meant to keep.
Keep the habit with such evil deeds.
Stealing the sun to buy the moon is just another impossibility.
He says he can't help it,
it taste and feels so sweet.
He has received the treatment.
What good did it do. How many clues, how many.
Be done with the dirty sheets.
Some secrets are not meant to keep.
Still you protect him, protect him.
Be done with the dirty sheets.
Some secrets are not meant to keep.
poem by Ace Of Black Hearts
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
The Saint And The Monk
Saint Peter at the gate of Heaven displayed
The tools and terrors of his awful trade;
The key, the frown as pitiless as night,
That slays intending trespassers at sight,
And, at his side in easy reach, the curled
Interrogation points all ready to be hurled.
Straight up the shining cloudway (it so chanced
No others were about) a soul advanced
A fat, orbicular and jolly soul
With laughter-lines upon each rosy jowl-
A monk so prepossessing that the saint
Admired him, breathless, until weak and faint,
Forgot his frown and all his questions too,
Forgoing even the customary 'Who?'
Threw wide the gate and, with a friendly grin,
Said, ''Tis a very humble home, but pray walk in.'
The soul smiled pleasantly. 'Excuse me, please
Who's in there?' By insensible degrees
The impudence dispelled the saint's esteem,
As growing snores annihilate a dream.
The frown began to blacken on his brow,
His hand to reach for 'Whence?' and 'Why?' and 'How?'
'O, no offense, I hope,' the soul explained;
'I'm rather-well, particular. I've strained
A point in coming here at all; 'tis said
That Susan Anthony (I hear she's dead
At last) and all her followers are here.
As company, they'd be-confess it-rather queer.'
The saint replied, his rising anger past:
'What can I do?-the law is hard-and-fast,
Albeit unwritten and on earth unknown-
An oral order issued from the Throne.
By but one sin has Woman e'er incurred
God's wrath. To accuse Them Loud of that would be absurd.'
That friar sighed, but, calling up a smile,
Said, slowly turning on his heel the while:
'Farewell, my friend. Put up the chain and bar
I'm going, so please you, where the pretty women are.'
poem by Ambrose Bierce
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Good For Freakin
Take with me a minute to freak!
We can stay together,
In unique-n' freakin'.
And we don't have to do it under sheets.
Unless the thread count of those sheets,
Soothes the shriekin'.
I love those sheets.
They're good for freakin'.
And when the count is high,
I go-oh!
I feel complete.
When freakin's over.
I roll away,
And to sleep I go-oh!
And we don't have to do it under sheets.
NO!
Unless the thread count of those sheets,
Soothes the shriekin'.
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ahhh...
I love those sheets.
They're good for freakin'.
And when the count is high,
I go-oh!
I feel complete.
When freakin's over.
I roll away,
And to sleep I go-oh!
And we don't have to do it under sheets.
Unless the thread count of those sheets,
Soothes the shriekin'.
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ahhh...
I love those sheets.
They're good for freakin'.
And when the count is high,
I go-oh!
And we don't have to do it under sheets.
NO!
Unless the thread count of those sheets,
Soothes the shriekin'.
I feel complete.
When freakin's over.
I roll away,
And to sleep I go-oh!
I love those sheets.
They're good for freakin'.
And when the count is high,
I go-oh!
Those sheets,
Are good for freakin'
And the count,
Is good for sleepin'.
Those sheets,
Are good for freakin'
And the count,
Is good for sleepin'.
Those sheets,
Are good for freakin'
They're good for freakin'.
Those sheets,
Are good for freakin'
They're good for freakin'.
Those sheets,
Are good for freakin'
They're good for freakin'.
They're good for freakin'.
They're good for freakin'.
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!
Clay Woman
Clay woman, baked too long
Stone cold, deep red, stand
Clay woman, heat too high,
Brittle with the remnant demand
Too long in the kiln
Not set at bake but sear
Scorched beauty remains,
But not a breath be near
Can't breathe too hard,
Clay woman may turn to dust
Can't look too long
For clay woman may combust,
And above all else,
Do not touch her heart,
Her back will break,
Her wounds will smart,
Clay woman, baked too long
All hope and joy abstains,
Clay woman, heat too high
Can my tears salvage my remains?
poem by Eowyn Aurora
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!