Mark Twain cannot be defined.
quote by Hal Holbrook
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Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him.
quote by Dick Van Dyke
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I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.
quote by Mark Twain
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Jabed Meeker, Humorist
Twain? Oh, yes, I’ve heard Mark Twain
Heard him down to Pleasant Plain;
Funny? Yes, I guess so. Folks
Seemed to laugh loud at his jokes—
Laughed to beat the band; but I
Couldn’t rightly make out why.
Guess his humor ain’t refined.
Quite enough to suit my mind.
Mark’s all right—right clever speaker—
But he can’t touch Jabed Meeker;
And one thing that makes it queer
Is that Jabed lives right here.
You ain’t met him? Son, you’ve missed
The most funniest humorist
I’ve met with in my born days—
Funniest talker, anyways,
When it comes to repartee—
That’s the humor catches me!
Like a specimen? Huh! Well,
Take, for instance, his umbrell;
Wouldn’t think, until he spoke,
He could turn that to a joke;
Mark Twain couldn’t, bet you that!
That’s where Meeker beats Mark flat!
Just imagine three or four
Fellers in Jim Beemer’s store—
‘Long comes Meeker, and some feller
Says, 'See Meeker’s bum umbreller.'
Quick as lightning Meeker ‘d yell:
'Don’t you guy my bumberell!
Where’s the feller dares to hoot
At this sping-spang bumbershoot?
Show me some one dares to call
Bad names at my bumbersoll!'
Right like that! Right off the reel!
Say, you’d ought to heard us squeal!
Then, before we’d got our breath,
Meeker, solemn sad as death,
Says: 'Stand up there ‘gainst that wall,
Para-bumber-shooter-soll!'
Twain? All right! But just give me
Some one slick at repartee!
poem by Ellis Parker Butler
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It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
quote by Mark Twain
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When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.
quote by Mark Twain
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All right, then, I'll go to hell.
quote by Mark Twain
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It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
quote by Mark Twain
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
quote by Mark Twain
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I did it partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.
quote by Mark Twain
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Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
quote by Mark Twain
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Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it....
quote by Mark Twain
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I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.
quote by Mark Twain
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The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
quote by Mark Twain
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Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
quote by Mark Twain
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Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
quote by Mark Twain
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It is easier to stay out than get out.
quote by Mark Twain
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A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
quote by Mark Twain
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Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
quote by Mark Twain
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We have the best government that money can buy.
quote by Mark Twain
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Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.
quote by Mark Twain
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