I never told a joke in my life.
quote by Andy Kaufman
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Related quotes
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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That Joke to Some
That joke told and thought funny by some...
No longer brings with it smirks.
Or the half smiles on faces.
A seriousness upon them lurks.
And they wonder...
From where the echoed laughter comes,
Surrounding their startled hearts.
The sound of it frightens.
And unfamiliar to anyone!
Has something once done to undermine...
Discovered it was them all this time?
Finding it a thrill to haunt their minds,
This time.
Someone amongst them has elected to stun!
Someone victimized by their tactics...
And missed with them to have their fun.
And that joke told and thought once funny by some?
Seems to now only satisify just one...
Who masquerades in a vengeance of delight.
Knowing their misdeeds done then...
Keeps them in cold sweats in taunted sleepless nights.
Fearing 'what' or 'who' has found whatever they did offensive.
They have forgotten which joke had been told.
And which 'fool' they picked...
They believed then had been defenseless!
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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911 Is A Joke
Now I dialed nine one one a long time ago
Dont you see how late theyre reactin
They only come, and they come when they wanna
So get the morgue truck em back the goner
They dont care cause they stay paid anyway
They treat you like an ace that cant be betrayed
I know you stumble with no use people
If your life is on the line, then youre dead today
Late comings with the late comin stretcher -
Thats a body bag in disguise - yall Ill betcha
I call em body snatchers
Quick they come to fetch you -
With an autopsy ambulance just to dissect ya
They are the kings cos they swing amputation
Lose your arms your legs the famous compilation
I can prove it to you watch the rotation
It all adds up to a funky situation
Get up, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get get down
Late 911 wears the late crown
(chorus)
(ow)
911 is a joke , 911 is a joke
Everyday they dont never come correct
You can ask my man right here with the broken neck
Hes a witness to the job never bein done
He wouldve been in full effect , 911
Is a joke because their always jokin
They the token to your life when its croakin
They need to be in a pawn shop on a 911 -
Is a joke we dont want em
I call a cab cause a cab will come quicker
The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker
The reason that I say that cause they
Flick you off like fleas
They be laughin at ya while youre crawlin on our knees
And to the strength, so go the length
Thinkin you are first when you really are tenth
You better wake up and smell the real flavor
Cause 911 is a fake life saver
(chorus) (chorus)
Ow, ow 911 is a joke
911 is a joke,
911 is a joke,
911 is a joke, 911 is a joke.
(get up, get get down)
911 is a joke, 911 is a joke, 911 is a joke
(get up, get get down)
911 is a joke, 911 is a joke, 911 is a joke
(get up, get get down)
Ooooh, yeahh
song performed by by Duran Duran
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Waiting. As if In the Cold...Outside!
Waiting.
As if in the cold...outside!
Feeling a joke had been told.
And I knew it.
But was not suppose to admit this.
Yet feeling inside a warmth that satisfied.
I saw the picture,
Before the pieces of the puzzle...
Had to others been known.
'Something' had shown me a preview.
And I could not tell who...
Or what it was that came to chill me to the bone.
An aloneness I knew and tolerated it.
My experiences existed,
In a time I envisioned before they came to visit.
And I would wonder 'why' I was permitted,
To see, feel and touch what had yet to arrive.
Waiting.
As if in the cold...outside!
Feeling a joke had been told.
And I knew it.
But was not suppose to admit this.
Yet the older I get,
More secluded becomes my 'unique and differentness'!
I saw and knew.
But couldn't tell how.
So there I stood...
Waiting.
In the cold...outside!
Feeling a joke had been told.
But did not know 'why'...
'Something' had shown me a preview.
And I could not tell who...
Or what it was that came to chill me to the bone.
I was not alone.
Nor was I existing to live on my own.
And I knew this but did not know why,
Me?
Nothing did I do,
To welcome delusions.
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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It Is A Joke
it is a joke
and it will always be
a joke
that how it is,
it is a joke, my own joke, and i laugh
when i remember it,
i send it to you and you send it back
like a ping-pong ball
it bounces and i see it coming
back to me
it hits me right in my eyes
got double vision, cross-eyed
i am hurt. It is not a joke anymore.
it is here beside
a tear, a bruise, stained and scarred.
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Mildred, Mildred
Mildred, mildred, how I love you so,
Remember the joke you told me
While we had our midnight tea.
That was the funniest joke I ever heard in my life,
I didnt tell you then cause I was drinking the tea.
Alfred, now alfred, you used to call me so.
And told me how it would be nice to open a plant shop.
That was the most sensible idea we had in our life,
I didnt tell you then cause I was reading the papers.
Mildred, oh, mildred, how I love you so,
Remember how you were angry when I talked to the box.
You kept trying to tell me something, something about your life,
But I didnt hear you then cause I was watching the box.
I bought a pot of plant now
And Im watering it evry day.
I watched the late night talk show
And asked the man in a suit
Why he was laughing so when my wife was dead.
He didnt reply,
No, he didnt reply at all.
And I burnt the box the next morning
And buried in our garden.
Mildred, oh, mildred, how I miss you so,
How I wish to tell you a lot of things about our life.
But of course you arent around, you arent around no more
And I hear the box still laughing in the next door apartment.
song performed by by Yoko Ono
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Mildred, Mildred
Mildred, mildred, how I love you so,
Remember the joke you told me
While we had our midnight tea.
That was the funniest joke I ever heard in my life,
I didnt tell you then cause I was drinking the tea.
Alfred, now alfred, you used to call me so.
And told me how it would be nice to open a plant shop.
That was the most sensible idea we had in our life,
I didnt tell you then cause I was reading the papers.
Mildred, oh, mildred, how I love you so,
Remember how you were angry when I talked to the box.
You kept trying to tell me something, something about your life,
But I didnt hear you then cause I was watching the box.
I bought a pot of plant now
And Im watering it evry day.
I watched the late night talk show
And asked the man in a suit
Why he was laughing so when my wife was dead.
He didnt reply,
No, he didnt reply at all.
And I burnt the box the next morning
And buried in our garden.
Mildred, oh, mildred, how I miss you so,
How I wish to tell you a lot of things about our life.
But of course you arent around, you arent around no more
And I hear the box still laughing in the next door apartment.
song performed by by Yoko Ono
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Lies
Baby
What do I do
Playing my tune for you
Just to get you in the mood
Everybodys going to hollywood
Youre driving me mad
But Im smiling to the crowd instead
A lot of money is at stake, this is a hit and thats a fake
This is what you mean to me
This is what they all should see
Make a make up in a foolish style
Telling the truth by making a big lie
When I come, I come but nothings at ease
Breaking up the whole is a modern disease
Maybe you think tomorrows just a joke
Its a joke after joke after joke after joke
My love
Everythings an interview
And nothings really new
And everybodys looking for clues and you know what to do with a clue
My love
Get ready for the show
Theyre waiting and they will never go
This night is just a go
And its only for show
Dig that deal and be a millionaire
Drinking cocktails in the stratosphere
Getting jetlagged with my business friends in these supersonic wonderlands
Theres a flicker on the graphic display, first hes smiling then hes fading away
Maybe he thinks tomorrows just a joke
Its a joke after joke after joke after joke
Gold/1984
song performed by by Alphaville
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Cracker Hacker
When is a joke not really a joke?
When it is said by a Heating and AC man--
Named as a Pastor in California---
Out in Orange County land;
He's been known to help the Guru---
In some of his most rage -filled plans---
Heating and AC pollution...
Can give you: 'Heavy Metal Hands';
Now we already know about Bot.net...
And have found out about a few other things...
We know that he is still an uninvited guest...!
Yes, through my back door he swings! ;
He's a cracker thats for absolute sure...! ! !
A most devious computer hound...
With eyes on my: 'home kitchen'
With enough rope...he's prison bound! ;
So, when is a joke not really a joke?
When it is supposedly told by a Heating and AC man--
He was named as the Guru's Pastor---
Out in Orange County land;
Signed: One of His victims (Theo Onken)
And dedicated to all things:
'Past and Fluffy'
July 21,2010
poem by Theodora Onken
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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You're over there in the corner either thinking about the dead dog or whatever, you're bringing up your personal life and you need the space, and then somebody throws you a joke. Especially if it's an emotional scene, you don't want the joke.
quote by Marcia Gay Harden
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Reality TV
What has all of life been reduced to?
A hyping of a joke promoted,
To be taken seriously.
And the provoking of this one joke,
Sold to be closely monitored...
On reality TV.
To leave anyone with any credibility,
Suspected as not being truly...
A natural born citizen,
If that person has a hint of sensibility.
And this creation becomes satiated,
As a taste of life...
The way it is lived and should be!
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Nobody Spoke (for Karen)
Nobody spoke to Lucy,
nobody spoke at all,
ain't no joke
nobody spoke.
nobody spoke
for five long years
ain't no joke
nobody spoke.
Lucy withdrew
without a clue
why nobody spoke,
nobody spoke
for five long years,
nobody spoke
Ain't no joke
nobody spoke!
Lucy went mad
she went crazy!
She screamed
she cried, she sobbed,
but nobody spoke,
for five long years
Ain't no joke
nobody spoke.
Many years later
she saw them,
those people she wanted
to be her friends.
but ain't no joke
nobody spoke,
nobody spoke
for five long years.
Ain't no joke
nobody spoke.
Lucy left a note
in daddy's drawer,
put on her very best dress.
Did her hair in a very fine way
and walked into the hall as a guest.
She walked up to the folk
that never spoke,
said hello in an ordinary way,
then she pulled out a gun
and opened fire.
Yes she shot all those folk
on that day.
Now they were silent
now they were still,
cos ain't no joke
that nobody spoke
and now
they never will.
poem by Ruth Walters
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Should Never Have Told Me
You should have never told me
That you love me
You should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Ever since that day I saw your lovely face
You were on my mind
I knew that one day I would make you love me
It was just a matter of time
Every night and every day, girl
Im thinking of you
Girl, I cant believe youre mine
Way you kiss, youre right on time
Should have never told me
That you love me
You should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
If by chance I owned the whole world
Id give it to you
All im trying to say
Love you through and through
Girl, lets stay together for life
cause you are my sugar and spice
Should have never told me
That you love me
You should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Naw, baby
Oh, baby
Should have never told me
That you love me
Should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Should have never told me
That you love me
Should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Should have never told me
That you love me
song performed by by New Edition
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Should Have Never Told Me
You should have never told me
That you love me
You should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Ever since that day I saw your lovely face
You were on my mind
I knew that one day I would make you love me
It was just a matter of time
Every night and every day, girl
Im thinking of you
Girl, I cant believe youre mine
Way you kiss, youre right on time
Should have never told me
That you love me
You should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
If by chance I owned the whole world
Id give it to you
All Im trying to say
Love you through and through
Girl, lets stay together for life
cause you are my sugar and spice
Should have never told me
That you love me
You should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Naw, baby
Oh, baby
Should have never told me
That you love me
Should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Should have never told me
That you love me
Should have never told me, told me, told me
That you care
Should have never told me
That you love me
song performed by by New Edition
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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(I Remember) When Suicide Was Just a Joke
Do you know what I’d give
What I got, what I’d give to go back?
Do you know that I’d give
Up my life just as easy as anything?
And we pass and your voice
Like a death grip on my heart attack
It’s so superficial
Such a f**king w***e don’t care about anything
[Chorus]
Hate is a word that describes what this
In a hall emptied up I’m a name on a list
Of a laundry bag filled with glass I punch with my fist
I remember
When suicide was just a joke
I believed what you said
You believed that I’d always be clean
A fresh slate of my arms
Couldn’t take the days that I hurt for you
Maybe if you weren’t so cruel
I wouldn’t ‘ve had to feel the pain
And if you weren’t so good lookin’
Maybe I wouldn’t want to die
[Chorus]
When suicide was just a joke [X2]
Well everybody knows you’re the one to call
When the girls get ugly on the back of the wall
You’re a polysaccharidal leaching germ to my brain
The camera sees the one thing leaving
Do you know what it is
To make stop dropp offs of misery?
And when I tell you I feel
Do you know that I’d really rather go?
A mixed media chart
Tracing cold hard lies of my history
Yes I scream in the night
Because of you, I’ve never felt so low
[Chorus]
When suicide was just a joke
(I remember)
When suicide was just a joke
(I remember)
When suicide was just a joke
[Spoken: This life was so funny]
When suicide was just a joke
[Take back your f**king things]
When suicide was just a joke
[I remember all your lies]
When suicide was just a joke
(fade out)
poem by Christopher's Dead
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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All the Jokes
All the jokes have already been told
And so instead, we tell jokes about how
All the jokes have already been told
But these new jokes aren't very funny
In fact, they're actually kind of sad
So instead we tell jokes about how
All the new jokes aren't very funny
In fact, they're actually kind of sad
Because they remind us about how
All the jokes have already been told
But these jokes get old very quickly
So we make up new jokes about how
The jokes about the new jokes about how
All the jokes that have already been told
Are starting to get quite old
But after a while, once these jokes
Have gotten quite old themselves
We sit and listen to the silence
And wonder about the past, and how
All the jokes have already been told
Then suddenly, out of nowhere
Somebody comes up with a joke
That had been forgotten long ago
But is so funny we can't even breathe
So we roll on the floor, gasping for air
poem by Derek Ouyang
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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You Think Its A Joke
You thinks its a joke, i find no reason,
Why i should laugh at you.
You think its a joke to take advantage
Of the life that supports you.
Push and push. suppress the weaker ones
You find two words, with emotions you are numb.
You think the world revolves around the things you buy.
I think of lonliness that you will die.
I want to defend defenseless, let the meek inherit the earth.
And your intelligence give you nothing to mask your ignorance.
If theres a god above to judge whats right and wrong.
Your careless attitude will soon be gone.
You thinks its a joke, i find no reason,
Why i should laugh at you.
You think its a joke to take advantage
Of the life that supports you.
You think its a joke
You think its a joke
I want to defend defenseless, let the meek inherit the earth.
And your intelligence give you nothing to mask your ignorance.
If theres a god above to judge whats right and wrong.
Your careless attitude will soon be gone.
You think the world revolves around the things you buy.
I think of lonliness that you will die. you will...
You thinks its a joke, i find no reason,
Why i should laugh at you.
You think its a joke to take advantage
Of the life that supports you.
'cause i find no reason.
Why i should laugh at you.
You think its a joke!
song performed by by Goldfinger
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Frightened
Everyone gets frightened
at some point in their lives.
My greatest fear
may sound strange to anyone here.
I get frightened of my popularity,
don’t think I don’t enjoy it
because I do that is a fact.
I get a twinge of guilt
when I see someone
who just cannot succeed.
I know only too well
the sorrow they go through.
My friend JoAnn told me
her inspiration was on the wane.
To help her out I suggested
we write some together.
I mention the idea to our friend Meggie.
She asked if she could join us,
I said yes of course.
Now I’ve got more popular
it frightens me even more.
I’ve taken to self-mocking
to try and lower people’s opinion of me.
The problem is now
they dispute it all the time.
I think one of the reasons
why I get frightened is
all my life I’ve been at the back of the class
and now I’m near the front row
and that’s the scary bit.
I may joke about it,
but it’s no joke to me.
Getting more and more popular
scares the hell out of me.
1 February 2008
poem by David Harris
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Sentence of All
Hunt a sentence this day to the next,
One can not find a finer one
Than the very joke I have reasoned with.
What is this joke? What is that joke?
I can not see anyone with flowers,
But I see everyone with words
And they differ: ever so much.
A sentence such as this is enough
And what is this humorous one?
It is the very subject and predicate of our souls -
“Sentences are written not said.”
poem by Naveed Akram
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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It is — or seems to be — a wise sort of thing, to realise that all that happens to a man in this life is only by way of joke, especially his misfortunes, if he have them. And it is also worth bearing in mind, that the joke is passed round pretty liberally & impartially, so that not very many are entitled to fancy that they in particular are getting the worst of it.
quote by Herman Melville
Submitted by Veronica Serbanoiu
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