Dave Barry

In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

quote by Dave BarryReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Related quotes

Things Are Getting Better

Well I worked for a week and I got no pay.
(things getting better.)
Well my babys coming back home to stay
(things getting better.)
Well shes coming back home, but I havent got a dime
(things getting better.)
But Ive got my love to keep me fine[? ].
(things getting better.)
Oh-oh
Things getting better.
Things getting better.
Well since my babys been away,
(things getting better.)
Well things got worse from day to day.
(things getting better.)
Well now my babys come back to me.
(things getting better.)
Yeah, itll get better, wait and see.
(things getting better.)
Oh-oh
Things getting better.
Things getting better.
Oh-oh
Things getting better.
Things getting better.
Well I pawned my watch and I sold my car.
(things getting better.)
The money Ive got wouldnt get me far.
(things getting better.)
But I dont mind now that youve packed.
(things getting better.)
Its a fact, that
Things getting better.
Things getting better.
Oh-oh
Things getting better.
Things getting better.

song performed by by KinksReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

What Men Need To Know About Women

She will not be looking at you when the food arrives

She will not be looking at you in the midst of children

She will not be aware of you if there is a cat, or dog

She does not love you past three years but loves the idea of you.

She is not romantic past 25.

She does not care as much about how you look past 25. Other things come to matter more.

She talks to her friends more than you.

You like doing it, she likes foreplay.

Your choice is just for now, she is thinking, after 30, about forever

She is thinking she has allowed you to capture her.

Women choose you, not the other way around.

You are not as handsome as Ben Franklin past 45.

If she is not the star you are the villain

Learn to go blind after 45

Young women don't know how to make love, older women do

Younger men don't know how to make love, older men do.

There is no truth that can't be clouded by memory.

She remembers everything. You don't.

You fear losing your hair, women fear losing their beauty and their bodies.

The way to a woman's heart is through the restaurant menu and the beautiful house and affection.

Women talk, you don't

Women are smarter than you outside the office

Women are smarter than you in the home

Ok, you are smarter at work.

The secret of romance is her being attracted to you and you doing nothing to mess that up.

If you think sex is the key to making women fall in love with you, you'd be better off betting on chocolate-the odds are better.

Learn to like women, things work out better that way.

poem by Lonnie HicksReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

When I'm 64

When I get home
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I got a whole lot of things to tell her,
when I get home.
Come on, out of my way,
'cos I'm gonna see my baby today,
I've got a whole lot of things I've gotta say
to her.
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I got a whole lot of things to tell her,
when I get home.
Come on if you please,
I've got no time for trivialities,
I've got a girl who's waiting home for me tonight.
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I got a whole lot of things to tell her,
when I get home.
When I'm getting home tonight, I'm gonna
hold her tight.
I'm gonna love her till the cows come home,
I bet I'll love her more,
till I walk out that door
again.
Come on, let me through,
I've got so many things, I've got to do,
I've got no business being here with you
this way.
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I've got a whole lot of things to tell her
when I get home - yeah.

song performed by by BeatlesReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

When I Get Home

Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I got a whole lot of things to tell her,
When i get home.
Come on, out of my way,
'cause i'm gonna see my baby today,
I've got a whole lot of things i've gotta say
To her.
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I got a whole lot of things to tell her,
When i get home.
Come on if you please,
I've got no time for trivialities,
I've got a girl who's waiting home for me tonight.
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I got a whole lot of things to tell her,
When i get home.
When i'm getting home tonight, i'm gonna
Hold her tight.
I'm gonna love her till the cows come home,
I bet i'll love her more,
Till i walk out that door
Again.
Come on, let me through,
I've got so many things, i've got to do,
I've got no business being here with you
This way.
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho,
I've got a whole lot of things to tell her
When i get home - yeah.

song performed by by BeatlesReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Day Is Done

Do you like me?
Well I hope you do
Cause if you like me
Then I think Im gonna to have to like you too
Well share our things
And have some fun
Then well say goodbye
And go back home when the day is done
If you tell me
Ill tell you too
And well say the things
And do the things that lovers do
Well keep it to ourselves
We wont hurt no one
Then well say goodbye
And go back home when the day is done
Well carve our names
On a tree
Then well burn it down
So no one in the world will see
And well make love
While we watch the flame
Then well walk away
As if we never had no shame
Now we must hide
To be alone
And we cant say
Our sweet things on the telephone
If we cant stop
What weve begun
We should say goodbye
And go back home when the day is done
Do you still like me?
Well I hope you do
Cause if you still like me
Then I think Im gonna have to still like you
We shared our things
And had some fun
Now well say goodbye
And go back home when the day is done
Yeah, well say goodbye
And go back home while
We still have one
Lets say goodbye and go back home
Now the day is done

song performed by by John PrineReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Women are just as good

We can’t live without them
We Can’t stand to be near them
Are men better than Women?
Do they think they are cooler?
Why do they piss us off so easy?
We hate them, Yet love them so dear
Would the world be better without them
Or would it be good for all of us?
We say us women are better
But we need them to save the human race
Do men need us?
Do they say they love us
So they can have 'fun'
And throw us away like a dead cat
Then leave us heart broken
Why do men abuse women mentally and Physical?
Why don't they listen to when we talk?
Why do they think they are the boss?
And women has the same amount of rites a man does
Women can also be just as successful as men
Why can't men be the house maids?
And Women the one to come home late?
Why do they think they are always right?
Why must they think it's funny
To do the scariest things to us?
Why do they think they are smarter?
Women are just as good as men!

poem by Kimberley GonzalezReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Where is My Home?

Where is my home?
Full of ones that I love,
Where is my home?
As peaceful as dove.

Where is my home?
Filled with wonderful things,
Where is my home?
Where I see what life brings.

Where is my home?
Full of old things and new,
Where is my home?
Where we live, me and you.

Where is my home?
Whom do I love?
And is there really a God up above?
Where is my home?

poem by Linda ClaireReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Home Is Not Where The Heart Lies

Home is not where the heart lies.
Home is where there are too many sins to name.
Home is where I cry too many times.
Home has no meaning.
Home is where all of my woes lie.
Home has no love for me.
Home makes me sad.
Home I cannot stand.
Home is where I get picked on most.
Home is where I hate most.
Home I wish would disappear.
Home is only adding to more of my troubles.
Home is where all my family hates me.
Home is where my sister won’t leave me alone.
Home is where my step father won’t stop picking on me.
Home is where my mum won’t stop babying me.
Home is no longer home.
Home has too many things to think about.
Home has too many too many troubles.
Home is where I do secrets no-one knows about.
Home is where everyone lies.
Home is not where the heart lies.

poem by Ellie ParkerReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

I Got To Get Home

I Got To Get Home
Like A Bird
I Just Want To Fly
And Own A Peace Of Mine
Somewhere Far Away
I Got To Get Home
Time Is Slipping Away From Me
Not telling How Far Am I From Home
I Got To Get Home
Every Things I Hold On To
Is Going Down,
Buried In This World
My Hopes And Dreams
And All Those Things
I Will Never See
Now I Am Drowning In My Tears
Shame I Am Going Down This Way
Oh Well
Life Is A Journey Not A Destination
There Is Still Tomorrow
But I Got To Get Home

Copyright 2006

poem by Lartin Konneh IIReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

International Women's Day,2012

There are some things women should do,
As men simply cannot;
There are things that women can do,
But not as well as men.

There are some things women shouldn't do,
For they are harmful, sin;
There are many just women do,
Much better than most men.

Empow'r women and uplift them,
And make their plight better;
This half of human populace
If better, world's better.

Let poverty not strike women;
Remove their hunger pangs;
Give them all equal rights like men,
Save them from awful gangs.

Women are teachers naturally
For every child that's born;
They nurse their babies and protect,
Till dusk, from every dawn.

Women have beauty and contours
And for men, fit partners;
Women need love and care like all:
They aren't bought from a stall!

'Happy International Women's Day,2012'

poem by John CelesReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Appreciate

How can a women be so fine but yet so ugly?
When a man does what he can and she still has the nerve to get grudgy.

It makes no since, how a women feels the need to want.
As if her looks can change the perspective of what her man acheives to get what she want.

A man will do his best to keep his women at a glow.
No man, who loves his women, wants her outdoors, looking like a hoe.

A women should appreciate all the things a real man does.
A real man takes care of home and Maybe, get your hair and nails done. Lol

poem by DeAngelo SmithReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Ladies Complain

The Men go out and Hunt for Food
Women stay home and make there Brood
Then the men come back in a good Mood
Only to get, both ears Chewed! !

So then things Change, and the women hunt for a Meal
And all their men stay home and Invent the Wheel
Then the women come back with the Food
To find there men in a real good Mood

So either way the women will Complain
About men's cocks and having no Brains
Maybe someday this will all End
And all women will be our best Friend

poem by David DarbyshireReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Take Me With You

(released as b-side of we wait and we wonder cd single, 1994)
If you see the light on in the window of my room
Ill be looking out though the shades are drawn
If you should hear someone quietly calling out for your hair
Dont be alarmed it might just be me
Take me with you, take me there
Ill go with you anywhere
Show me all the things you know
Are you with me, are you there
Ill be with you everywhere
Show me all the things you know, you know, you know, you know
The sun always seems to shine on the other side of the mountain
The water is clearer on the other side of the hill
All that water comes to me, ooh as I lay down
Where I am is where I should be
Take me with you, take me there
Ill go with you anywhere
Show me all the things you know - oh
Are you with me, are you there
Ill be with you everywhere
Show me all the things you know
Im holding them close to me
All those things I learned
But theres no questions and answers
So we watch the candle burn, on and on
So the candle burns all night, burns so bright until morning
When I wake I find myself alone
So if you see me - are you here? - hear someone cry, calling out
Rescue me and take me home - take me home
Take me with you, take me there
Ill go with you anywhere
Show me all the things you know - you know
Take me with you, take me with you
Take me with you, take me with you
Show me all the things you know
Please show me
Please take me, show me
Just take me, show me...

song performed by by Phil CollinsReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Home Sweet Home

Met this girl called josephine and took her up on my machine
We had a little fun and now we got a little one
Had to get married, being chased out of town
Found ourselves a place to live, we put all our money down
Call it home sweet home, home sweet home
Eleven floors up in a tower block
Happy just to have a home
Ive gone and changed the lock on our home
Nothing really worked out right, things got broke,
They stayed that way
None of our friends came around at night and little sam got
No place to play
Weve got to get out of here, bill she said Ive been telling
You all the while
When I came home from work that night shed jumped out the
Window with our chiled
From our home sweet home, home sweet home
Just a place to take a rest, just a place ot make our nest
-- we call it our home
When the insurance money came through seemed dirty didnt
Know what to do
Took the cash went down the casino, down on the wheel
On the double
And I won, oh yes I won, like I never won before
Bought myself a country house with an antique carved
Oak door
It was home sweet home, home sweet home
Just a place to lay our head think of all those things we said
About in our home sweet home.

song performed by by Peter GabrielReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Perish

To perish at a Parish and to learn like the lion,
For Satan's way is made to look more desirable than ever!
But when lust concieves, it brings forth sin.

Do not eat what dies of itself or killed by wild beast,
For a man's home is his castle!
And of the things that women do in the dark.

Eat herbs to raise up your intelligence and,
Be very wise to distinguish from the facts;
And of the things that men do in the dark.

poem by Edward Kofi LouisReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come)

At sixteen she quit high school to
make her fortune in the promised land
she got a job behind the counter in an
all night hamburhger stand
she wrote faithfully home to mama
"Now mama don't you worry none"
From small things, mama
Big things one day come
It was late one Friday he pulled in
out of the dark
He was tall and handsome;first she
took his order, then she took his heart
They bought a house up on the hillside
Where little feet soon would run
From small things, mama
Big things one day come
BRIDGE
Oh but love is fleeting
It's sad but true
But when your heart is beating
You don't wanna hear the news
She packed her bags
and with a Wyomie County real state man
She ran down to Tampa
In and "El Dorado Grande"
She wrote back home, "Dear Mama
Life is just heaven in the sun
From small things, mama
Big things one day come"
Well she shot him dead
On a sunny Florida road
When they caught her all she said
Was she could't stand the way he drove
Back home lonesome Johnny
Prays for his baby's parole
He waits on the hillside
Where the Wyomie waters roll
At his feet and almost grown now
A blue-eyed daughter and a handsome son
Well from small things, mama
Big things one day come
Well from small things, mama
Big things one day come

song performed by by Bruce SpringsteenReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

At Least

Oh, hmm oh yeah, hmm, hmm, hmm
I'm on way back to Atlanta
About to start a new life
Cause I can't take it here
It seems the more we fight
The more the pressure
I'm in this lonely house
Sitting high up on a hill
Pressin' the buttons on the control
Flipping through channels on TV
Wondering when you're coming home
And take care of family
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
You won't miss me till I'm gone
Impossible to drink from a well that's gone dry, yeah
And every night you come in singing the same old song
How could you do me wrong?
When you know it ain't right
Pressin' the buttons on the control
Flipping through channels on TV
Wondering when you're coming home
And take care of family
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
Take in a movie show, a carnival
A place to go, we can be alone
But instead I'm staring at these matching walls
The weekends spent, a compliment
Flowers sent would've kept me at home
But now instead I'm packing my bags and I'm gone
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
All I wanted was a smile
For you to stay a little while
It's too late for it
Cause you forgot the little things, whoa, oh
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things

song performed by by Kelly PriceReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Forget

These things that we too soon forget
Collecting dust...spider webs that grow and grow
Till theres nothing left
Except for shreds that you cant quite call evidence
That I had a life before today
See I forget things I associate with pain
I thinks its time that
I start to look back on my life
Sitting around watching things go
These things that remind me of my home
I dont want to be in doubt
I dont need to know what this lifes all about
I just need to know for now
Are you gonna be around
When I need to find what Im missing
And I cant recall what it was I believed in
Take me home, surround me with friends
Take me home

song performed by by 8 Stops 7Report problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Things at A Time Were Simple

Things at a time were simple, small things are full of danger
everywhere I walk into your things, as if you are here
while time passes much too slowly,
your things fill the whole garage
and I wonder when a relationship ends?

Outside children ride past on bicycles and life goes on
and everything feels muddled,
when the church bell in the distance rings off the time,
things at a time were simple.

How our relationship ended is disputable
but it remains a fact that I have got to accept,
I am wet with sweat while I am hitting of a tennis ball,
standing ready for the next one,
almost staring at the women with the short skirt,
things at a time were simple.

poem by Gert StrydomReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Poetry Lover
Vote! | Copy!

Share

Hey Now Princess (demo Version)

by Jack Bruce and Pete Brown
Look here Princess
I'm not just here for you
So take off in your new Rolls Royce
I've got things to do
Look here Princess
I gave you everything
But now I want it all back
So I can start some living
Look here Princess
I want to be famous and rich
So I can be empty and bitter like you
Sitting home with nothing to do
Princess look now
I've got 15 women called Sue
20 women called Jane
And I'm sad
Look here Princess
Now I'm singin' this sad song
About a man in a kennel
Who cries all day long
Look here Princess
Don't shut me out for good
But keep me in mind for later
Like I always knew you would
Look here Princess
I'm in a desert now
I don't see no way out
You've got to show me how
Look here now Princess
I've got 15 women called Sue
20 women called Jane
And I'm sad
Look here Princess
I'm not just here for you
So take off in your new Rolls Royce
I've got things to do
Look here Princess
I gave you everything
But now I want it all back
So I can start some living
Look here Princess
I want to be famous and rich
So I can be empty and bitter like you
Sitting home with nothing to do
Princess look now
I've got 15 women called Sue
20 women called Jane
And I'm sad

song performed by by CreamReport problemRelated quotes
Submitted by Lucian Velea
Vote! | Copy!

Share