The Asshole Song
Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night.
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road.
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad.
So I wrote a song about him instead.
It goes like this...
Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an asshole tonight.
Yes you're an A S S H O L E...
And don't you try to blame it on me.
You deserve all the credit.
You're an asshole tonight.
You were an asshole yesterday.
You're an asshole tonight.
And I've got a feelin'
you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.
And I was talkin' to your mother
just the other night.
I told her I thought you were an asshole.
She said, "Yes. I think you're right."
And all your friends are assholes
'cause you've known them your whole life.
And somebody told me
you've got an asshole for a wife.
Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight.
song performed by by Jimmy Buffett
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Related quotes
The Idiot Son Of An Asshole
NoFX - Idiot Son Of An Asshole lyrics
He's not smart, a C student
And that's after buying his way into school
Beady eyes, and he's kinda dyslexic
Can he read? No one's really quite sure
He signs stuff and he executes people
Maybe that's why, he doesn't have any friends
Cocaine and a little drunk driving
Doesn't matter, when you're the Commander in Chief.
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
(***not in the video version on The War On Errorism****
Put on some make-up, turn on the 8-Track,
I'm putting a week back on the shelf,
Suddenly I'm the President, of the United States,
But they I woke up, and realized I'm still me. )
He's too dumb, to eat pretzels, apparently smart enough to fix an election.
Moved boldly into the White House,
though most people voted against him.
He likes naps, He's good at naptime, A couple of naps and then a nap and then he's ready for
bed,
He may be from Bush decent, He's always gonna, gonna be the un-precedent
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
He's our president!
song performed by by NOFX
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Idiot Son Of An Asshole
He's not smart, a C student
And that's after buying his way into school
Beady eyes, and he's kinda dyslexic
Can he read? No one's really quite sure
He signs stuff and he executes people
Maybe that's why, he doesn't have any friends
Cocaine and a little drunk driving
Doesn't matter, when you're the Commander in Chief.
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Put on some make-up, turn on the 8-Track,
I'm putting a week back on the shelf,
Suddenly I'm the President, of the United States,
But then I woke up, and realized I'm still me.
He's too dumb, to eat pretzels, apparently smart enough to fix an election.
Moved boldly into the White House,
but most people voted against him.
He likes naps, He really likes naptime, A couple of naps and then a nap and then he's ready for bed,
He may be from Bush decent, but he's always gonna be the unpresident.
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
He's our president!
song performed by by NOFX
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Pablo Picasso
Well some people try to pick up girls
And get called assholes
This never happened to Pablo Picasso
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist his stare and
So Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole
Well the girls would turn the color
Of the avocado when he would drive
Down their street in his El Dorado
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist his stare
Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole
Not like you
Alright
Well he was only 5'3"
But girls could not resist his stare
Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole
Not in New York
Oh well be not schmuck, be not obnoxious,
Be not bellbottom bummer or asshole
Remember the story of Pablo Picasso
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist his stare
Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole
Alright this is it
Some people try to pick up girls
And they get called an asshole
This never happened to Pablo Picasso
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist his stare and so
Pablo Picasso was never called...
song performed by by David Bowie
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Bukowski
Woke up this morning and it seemed to me,
that every night turns out to be
A little more like Bukowski.
And yeah, I know he's a pretty good read.
But God who'd wanna be?
God who'd wanna be such an asshole?
God who'd wanna be?
God who'd wanna be such an asshole?
Well we sat on the edge of the river,
the crowd screamed, "Sacrifice the liver!"
If God takes life, he's an Indian giver.
So tell me now why, you'll tell me never.
Who would wanna be?
Who would wanna be such a control freak?
Well who would wanna be?
Who would wanna be such a control freak?
Well see what you wanna see. You should see it all.
Well take what you want from me. You deserve it all.
Nine times out of ten our hearts just get dissolved.
Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall.
But one time out of ten, everything is perfect for us all.
Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall.
Here we go!
If God controls the land and disease,
keeps a watchful eye on me,
If he's really so damn mighty,
my problem is I can't see,
well who would wanna be?
Who would wanna be such a control freak?
Well who would wanna be?
Who would wanna be such a control freak?
Evil home stereo, what good songs do you know?
Evil me, oh yeah I know, what good curves can you throw?
Well all that icing and all that cake,
I can't make it to your wedding, but I'm sure I'll be at your wake.
You were talk, talk, talk, talkin' in circles that day,
when you get to the point make sure that I'm still awake, OK?
Went to bed and didn't see
why every day turns out to be
a little bit more like Bukowski.
And yeah, I know he's a pretty good read.
But God who'd wanna be?
God who'd wanna be such an asshole?
song performed by by Modest Mouse
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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A-hole
When I came home my stuff was on the lawn
I thought she was happy
But I was wrong
The note she left it took me be suprise
Said I'd turned into
Some other guy
The things she says that she gave up for me
she says it was a waste of her time
Guess I dont really know
What I was thinking
Would have thought we would float
But we kept sinkin' in
Things were so good
You were in love
With some other guy
He looked just like me
But I make you cry
You know I dont mean to
I'm just an asshole sometimes
I never saw myself as being alone
And maybe that was my problem
Cause now shes gone
And I cant help but think of how things could be
And I hope shes happy
Happy without me
And all the things that she gave up for me
I took for granted time after time
Guess I dont really know
What I was thinking
Would have thought we would float
But we kept sinkin' in
Things were so good
You were in love
With some other guy
He looked just like me
But I make you cry
You know I dont mean to
I'm just an asshole sometimes
And please dont think I'm complaing
I was just happy to have her for a time
And if you see her I'll tell her I said
Hello and that I'm doin just fine
Guess I dont really know
What I was thinking
Would have thought we would float
But we kept sinkin' in
Things were so good (Things were so good)
You were in love (you were in love)
With some other guy (with some other guy)
He looked just like me (he looked just like me)
But I make you cry (but I make you cry)
You know I dont mean to no
you know i dont mean to
I'm just an asshole sometimes (X4)
Guess I'm an asshole sometimes
song performed by by Bowling For Soup
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Asshole
Your brains went black
When she took back her love
And put it out into the sun
The birds did fly
When the heavens all went dry
And the cigarettes were smoking by themselves
Shell do anything
Shell do anything
Shell do anything
To make you feel like an asshole
Call her name
She looks the same as you
With question-marks stretched across her skin
She dangles carrots
Makes you feel embarrassed
To be the fool you know you are
Shell do anything
Shell do anything
Shell do anything
To make you feel like an asshole
song performed by by Tom Petty
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Modern Dukes
Every time that I turn around
I just see the same old thing
Beg to try and to bring me back
To the place I couldn't keep
But I'm an asshole
Storm the castle
Burn the bridges
Down to the ground
Take no prisoners
We're just visiting
We don't care about anything
Thats the way these modern dukes will go
It's every man here for himself
Every time that I turn around
I just see the same old crap
Trucks are trying to grease the wheels
So that they can get laid back
But I'm an asshole
Storm the castle
Burn the bridges
Down to the ground
Take no prisoners
We're just visiting
We don't care about anything
That's the way these modern dukes will go
It's every man here for himself
I'm an asshole
Storm the castle
Burn the bridges
Down to the ground
Take no prisoners
We're just visiting
We don't care about anything
I'm an asshole
Storm the castle
Burn the bridges
Down to the ground
Take no prisoners
We're just visiting
We don't care about anything
That's the way these modern dukes will go
It's every man here for himself
song performed by by Weezer
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Do Not Attempt To Force Me To Eat
i cannot swallow any food
i told you that
i made a promise
to my Lord,
must you force something
that i cannot eat?
even a horse cannot be
forced to do that
sorry, you got kicked.
ms....asshole....
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Asshole From El Paso
(chinga chavin, kenny snakebite jacobs)
We dont have no lovins in el paso
We dont go to porno picture shows
We dont swap our wives with our neighbors
And we keep our kids away from mexico.
And Im proud to be an asshole from el paso
A place where sweet young virgins are deflowered.
You walk down the street knee-deep in tacos
Ta-ta-ta-tacos
And the wetbacks still get twenty cents an hour.
We dont wipe our asses on old glory,
God and lone star beer are things we trust.
We keep our women virgins till theyre married
So hosin sheep is good enough for us.
And Im proud to be an asshole from el paso
A place where sweet young virgins are deflowered.
You walk down the street knee-deep in tacos
Ta-ta-ta-tacos
And the wetbacks still get twenty cents an hour.
Im proud to be an asshole from el paso
A place where sweet young virgins are deflowered.
You walk down that street knee-deep in tacos
Ta-ta-ta-tacos
And the wetbacks still get twenty cents an hour
song performed by by Kinky Friedman
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Privacy is my most prized possession. If you're famous, you can't be an asshole.
quote by Sean Patrick Flanery
Submitted by Veronica Serbanoiu
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You Have Just Been Censored
I've got an opinion
'Yeah what is it? '
Just shut the hell up and I will tell you.
'Now why would I want to do that? '
Well because your fucking fat.
Or maybe it's some other simple fact.
I'm an opinionated asshole.
What are you going to do about it?
'I'm sorry sir but you have just been censored.'
poem by Ace Of Black Hearts
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Remembering An Account Executive
He had a back office in his older brother’s
advertising agency and understood the human asshole.
He turned his father’s small inheritance over and over
on hemorrhoid ads between three-hour lunches
at the Plaza every day and cocktails at five-thirty
with different dressy women waiting in our front office.
We joked that he fucked them up the ass to make more customers
and were nauseated by him because he picked his ears
with the lead end of his lead pencil as he argued and argued
hemorrhoid copy with us on nauseating Mad. Ave. mornings.
Why argue? It must have been for executive power-feelings
because the copy never changed. Every week, the poor
bleeding assholes bought the shit. When my mind
began to get fucked and go as black as his inner ears
I quit as broke as I began, remembering his prophecy:
that the last working television set in the world
would be showing a hemorrhoid ad for ANUSALL
at Armageddon, that it would have been written
by him, that he would be watching it at 6:00 P.M.
in the bomb-cellar lounge of the Park Plaza Hotel
with a blonde’s ass in one hand and a scotch in the other,
and that he would die happy, with his old man’s
money intact and his asshole too, unlike us prat-boys.
poem by Alan Dugan
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Asinus Ad Lyram
isn't it awkward
that an asshole
is playing the lyre?
or the turtle again
into the rat race?
or the fish vendor
into poetry?
unless there is a miracle
then let the mute sing.
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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The Last Time Again
I don't wanna be an asshole anymore
Sick and tired of all the promises that I make to you
And I break to you
And I know you think you've heard it all before
Something tells me that you think I'm stupid when I say to you
That what I say is true
Too much lyin'
song performed by by Lit from Atomic
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Introduce Yourself
From the day I was born, I took the bull by the horns, and gave you
Plenty to scorn, well right on! then you said in a song that life was
Gettin real tough, but hey I think that youre bluffing, what of it?
Introduce yourself (right on!)
Now two decades gone by and I know thats a long time, para tiempo means
Nada nunca. cause Im still the same asshole and I still wet my pants
Every time that I see your face (who are you? )
Introduce yourself (right on!)
Hey mr. biggs, hey mr. bestall, hey mr. warner whats up?
Hey mr. enigma, hey mr. bigtime, hey mr. epic, whats going on?
Introduce yourself (right on!)
song performed by by Faith No More
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Feeling Like An Asshole
too much giving makes me feel
like an asshole
there is no taking which they think
is normal
there is only the giving and giving
without asking for something in return
it is this blindness of the self
that makes this world see what is alive
poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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Have You Heard, Part I
Mike Pinder)
Now you know how nice it feels,
Scatter good seed in the fields.
Life's ours for the making,
Eternity's waiting, waiting,
For you and me.
Now you know that you are real,
Show your friends that you and me
Belong to the same world,
Turned on to the same word,
Have you heard?
Have you heard?
Have you heard?
Have you heard?
Have you heard?
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Eric Wincentsen
[email protected]
Glendale Community College,
Glendale, Arizona
"Why can I do this? Because we got the bombs. Two words: Nuclear f#$king
weapons!"
-Dennis Leary, "Asshole"
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song performed by by Moody Blues
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I'm Another Asshole So Thank You
It is true when you're are happy
You're are happy.
Why should anybody deny you in the pursuit a forever happiness.
If you've found it never let go.
Cause if you do, you'll be of the one that poem refers to.
Another side of the rubix cube in which emotions are the follow through.
I'm another asshole so thank you.
~Dedicated to another poem written by another author.
~John Bastian
poem by Ace Of Black Hearts
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The Real Deal
Most people say when you find
your soul mate you will know
that is right, they are usually an asshole.
Hey, with all kidding aside-
most were not here to be with me in this life.
I know it sound strange from all the romance
you hear-
but soul mates are human and don't have to be dear.
They can just teach you a lesson that you needed to learn
some will help you better discern
how to find a person that is
not toxic and appreciates who you are
you want to be ready for the "real deal"
when it comes knocking on your door.
Written by Suzae Chevalier on March 12,2012
poem by Christina Sunrise
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Lovesick
Saw you two the other day
And I would say that she looks great
You all make the cutest two
I guess I should be glad for you
The thought of you just makes me sick
Its been two weeks and thats too quick
I cant say that Im doin fine
Cuz Im bout to lose my mind
And I dont know what Ill do so
Chorus
Youre sad for me too bad for you
That Im so lonely and confused
Ive gotta take it out on you
Cuz you left me for some chick
Now Im lovesick baby
Saw myself on rikki lake
Overweight and full of hate
Some asshole left me in distress
I used to look down on all that mess
Seems like everything just changed
Once I gave my love to you you went away
Since you are the one to blame
You better figure out how to get it back baby
Chorus
Before I met you I didnt think
That youd ever do a thing
To take away my independence baby
Before I met you I was straight
Now Im bout to go insane
I saw you and I think about you baby
Chorus
Chorus
song performed by by TLC
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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