Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
discovers a tiny brown lesion
on the end of his nose.
he uses his wife’s
concave make up mirror
to examine it more closely
and confirms his worse suspicions:
It’s malignant.
Coolly, he makes
one appointment with his dermatologist
and another in Samara.
After brushing his teeth
he takes another look
at the tiny brown Angel of Death.
It flakes off
-a brown booger.
Buzz cancels his appointments
and craves a celebratory drink terribly,
but summons his fantastic will power
and resists the urge.
II
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
lands on the Dark Side of the Moon
and meets the indigenous Moonpupiks,
who are heavily armed yet friendly.
He has sex with many tribeswomen,
but fends off the attentions of the polymorphous perverse
tribesmen, and tells all that they must
dropp their religion and adopt the
State Religion of NASA, Tanglicanism,
which uses Tang for communion wine.
The natives say they don’t mind a bit
as they are lapsed Moonitarians
and were looking for something to fill the gap.
Disappointed they don’t offer more conversion resistance,
Buzz orders the leaders beheaded
and claims the Dark Side of the Moon
in the name of Rio Tinto,
an Australian mining corporation
whose logo he wears on his helmet
and ship.
Then he wakes up.
II(a)
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist
takes another nap and,
against the advice of his fellow astronauts,
brings 4 or 5 Moonpupiks (MOON pu pix)
back to the Court of Richard Nixon, Imperial Vizard,
where they are presented to the potentate
as he sits on his throne
and broods. The Moonpupiks,
with their Bonobo-like sexuality,
create a sensation among the White House courtiers.
Charles Colson and E. R. Haldeman are especially lovestruck.
Imperial Vizard Richard Nixon finally draws a line in the moon dust
when some of the indigenous people
give Pat and Julie Nixon rare and incurable lunar STD’s.
The Moonpupiks are packed off
to quarantine behind glass
at the Washington Zoo, where they become even more popular
than the pandas.
Again Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
awakes…..this time with a two-day hangover
and a mindblowing thirst.
He craves a drink something awful,
but summons his inhuman, his monumental, his other worldly,
will power
and resists temptation.
III
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
is hired to provide the voice for a hero,
Michael J. Moonwalker,
in a new full-length Pixar animated feature.
At the recording studio,
Tom Hanks, his producer/director,
suggests that his delivery is flat
and asks for “More gusto,
More verve, more je ne sais quoi.”
Tom shows him exactly how to
say a line. “Just copy that.”
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist, mortally affronted,
takes umbrage and
coldcocks Tom, who lies unconscious
on the studio floor
for 90 or 95 seconds.
No showbiz flunky, no studio pantywaist,
dares to intervene.
When he comes to, Tom rubs his chin,
summons his fantastic, his other worldly, will power,
and says: “Thanks Buzz, I needed that.”
The recording proceeds cordially
and Buzz completes all his lines by evening.
He then relaxes with the cast
in a bar in Studio City
and craves a drink terribly.
Summoning his fantastic, his other worldly, will power,
he resists temptation for about 30 minutes,
then replunges into the familiar abyss of alcoholism,
which is something like getting caught on the
far side of the moon without your retro rockets,
only worse.
Meanwhile, Tom Hanks listens to Buzz’s recording
and realizes the whole thing is a wash.
He secretly trashes the whole performance
and has it redubbed
by a far more expressive, uncredited,
highly paid,
Buzz Aldrin voice double.
The movie is a huge hit;
Buzz, drying out the Betty Ford Clinic,
misses the premiere,
notices that his voice has been redubbed,
but publicly admits nothing
and is awarded a special Interstellar Oscar for Lifetime Achievement
at the Academy Awards Ceremony.
He boozily accepts, saying:
“One small statuette for man,
One giant ballbust for mankind.”
After his brief acceptance speech,
while humming 'I was walking on the moon one day,
in the merry month of May, '
he tees up several golfballs and beats them into the audience,
putting out the eye of a studio head.
The glittering assemblage gasps,
then cheers. The studio head
never presses charges or sues
Buzz Aldrin, true American hero,
saying: “I’ve still got one good eye, ”
and: “Who needs stereoscopic vision
in my line of work? ”
But Buzz Aldrin never works in Hollywood again.
IV
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
is again, for the umpteenth time,
publicly heckled
by crackpots claiming
the moonlanding was staged.
Fueled by Jim Beam and HGH,
he decides he can take no more,
steps down from his podium,
and lays waste to 3 or 4 dozen of the rascals,
though he’s an octogenarian
and breaks every one of his knuckles
on their asinine jawbones.
Off to one side, Buzz Aldrin’s world-famed press agent,
who shall go unnamed in this narrative,
cries out to the hecklers, “Have you no decency? ! ”
but does not wade in to help his boss,
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
who spends the next 6 months in hand casts.
His attack is captured on Youtube and gets
330 million hits. This fresh publicity
bumps up his speaking fees a hundredfold.
V
Relishing this fresh tsunami of worldwide popularity,
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
goes on an endless speaking tour and
welcomes the many space groupies who approach him
hoping for a taste of geriatric sex.
He takes neither Viagra nor Cyalis,
yet has no trouble
satisfying the torrid needs
of their nubile, voluptuous, bodies, for he is
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist.
After each encounter,
he signs his name on their buttocks
with his gravity-defying space pen.
At the end of his worldwide speaking tour
He has made enough to keep his
wife, his children, and his grandchildren,
and his mistresses,
financially secure for their foreseeable futures,
barring an ecological or financial apocalypse.
“My work here is finished, ”
says Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
and he falls back to Earth
in a swoon. His doctor declares the hero
terminally exhausted.
The world gathers ‘round his deathbed
hoping for a last, deathless, word.
“Tell the Moonpupiks I’m sorry, ”
croaks Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
'That Tanglicanism is BULLSHIT.”
Buzz Aldrin, true American hero,
gasps his last and is no more.
A grateful nation erects a gigantic monument to him
on the Washington Mall, marring the sightlines from
the Lincoln Memorial to the Capitol
and dwarfing the Washington Monument.
The surviving astronauts of the Apollo Mission,
jealous,
park a truck packed with fertilizer explosives
near Buzz’s obelisk
and blow it moonward,
but nothing, not ever!
can wipe away the glory of
Buzz Aldrin, Space Imperialist,
from the space drunk memories
of 300 million
redblooded Americans.
poem by Percy Dovetonsils
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
Through With Buzz
He takes all my money
You know Im through with buzz
Yes Im through with buzz,
All right, oh yeah, uh huh
Hes not very funny
You know Im through with buzz
Yes Im through with buzz,
All right, oh yeah, uh huh
I remember when he stole my girl
Drug her all around the world
You know Im cool, yes I feel alright
cept when Im in my room and its late at night
Maybe hes a fairy
You know Im through with buzz
Yes Im through with buzz
All right, oh yeah, uh huh, all right
song performed by by Steely Dan
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Fly Trouble
(all lyrics are spoken except 4 the chorus an buzz buzz buzz)
(its spoken but the words are sed with a hint of beatto them, know wut I mean? )
Did you ever sit straight up in bed
With somethin a circlin round ya head
An ya swat at it as it wizzes by
And its just one pesky little fly
You shake ya head an twitch ya nose
And settle down to sweep ya floors
And when ya just about to dose...fly trouble
(chorus)buzz buzz buzz goes that busy little fly
Buzz buzz buzz hes takin off an hide
You roll the paper up nice and tight
And wait around for him to light
But theirs a fly thats a liven right
Buzz buzz buzz
(band plays)
Now the toughest hide grows on a mule
Cause hes a bulky stuborn fool
He likes to look at yu and glare
An never even move a hair
But when his muscles start to twitch
An when his tail begins to swish
That mule aint bothered with an itch...fly trouble
(chorus)buzz buzz buzz goes that busy little pest
Buzz buzz buzz that mule cant get no rest
He shakes his head an bats his eye
An kicks his heels up to the sky
Did you ever see a jass ack cry
Buzz buzz buzz
(band plays)
Now you pick a perfect night in june
When flowers are bloomin beneath the moon
And ya light of love is shinin bright
An you tell ya self tonights the night
Ya brace ya self an ya courage grows
An on ya knees where you would propose
When somethin bights you on the nose...fly trouble
(chorus)buzz buzz buzz goes that busy little thing
Buzz buzz buzz you swat an loose the ring
You fan the air as he goes by
An stick ya finger in your eye
Hit everything except that fly
Buzz buzz buzz
song performed by by Hank Williams
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The Independent Bee
A hive of bees, as I've heard say,
Said to their Queen one sultry day,
"Please your Majesty's high position,
The hive is full and the weather is warm,
We rather think, with a due submission,
The time has come when we ought to swarm."
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Up spake their Queen and thus spake she -
"This is a matter that rests with me,
Who dares opinions thus to form?
I'LL tell you when it is time to swarm!"
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Her Majesty wore an angry frown,
In fact, her Majesty's foot was down -
Her Majesty sulked - declined to sup -
In short, her Majesty's back was up.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Her foot was down and her back was up!
That hive contained one obstinate bee
(His name was Peter), and thus spake he -
"Though every bee has shown white feather,
To bow to tyranny I'm not prone -
Why should a hive swarm all together?
Surely a bee can swarm alone?"
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Upside down and inside out,
Backwards, forwards, round about,
Twirling here and twisting there,
Topsy turvily everywhere -
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Pitiful sight it was to see
Respectable elderly high-class bee,
Who kicked the beam at sixteen stone,
Trying his best to swarm alone!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Trying his best to swarm alone!
The hive were shocked to see their chum
(A strict teetotaller) teetotum -
The Queen exclaimed, "How terrible, very!
It's perfectly clear to all the throng
Peter's been at the old brown sherry.
Old brown sherry is much too strong -
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Of all who thus themselves degrade,
A stern example must be made,
To Coventry go, you tipsy bee!"
So off to Coventry town went he.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
There, classed with all who misbehave,
Both plausible rogue and noisome knave,
In dismal dumps he lived to own
The folly of trying to swarm alone!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
All came of trying to swarm alone.
poem by William Schwenck Gilbert
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Mars is there, waiting to be reached.
quote by Buzz Aldrin
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I think humans will reach Mars, and I would like to see it happen in my lifetime.
quote by Buzz Aldrin
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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How Would You Like To Be?
(words & music by ben raleigh - mark barkan)
How would you like to be?
A little circus clown
And you could wear a smile
Instead of a frown
How would you like to be?
A little kangaroo
A-hoppin up and down
And I could hop with you
Come on and smile a little, smile a little
Hop a little, hop a little,
Smile a little, hop a little bit with me
Come on and smile a little, smile a little
Hop a little, hop a little,
Smile a little, hop a little bit with me
Oh ho, ha ha, a-tra la la la la la la
A ha, tra la la la la la la
How would you like to be?
A little buzzing bee
And instead of a tree
You could buzz around me
How would you like to be?
A little mocking bird
And you can sing me songs
Like I never heard
Come on and buzz a little, buzz a little
Sing a little, sing a little
Buzz a little, sing a little bit with me
Buzz, buzz, buzz a little
Do re mi a little
Buzz a little, sing a little bit with me
Oh-ho ah-ha, tra la la la la la la
Oh-ho, a-ha ,a-tra la la la la la la
How would you like to be?
A little baby bear
And you can hug me tight
Any time you care
How would you like to be?
A little dancing doll
And you could dance with me
Everytime I call
Oh-ho, tra la la la la la la
Oh-ho...ah-ah...tra la la la..la.la..la
song performed by by Elvis Presley
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Houston, Tranquility Base here. The eagle has landed.
quote by Buzz Aldrin
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Buzz The Fuzz
Once there was a fellow and his name was buzz
He was just a rookie cop, just a baby buzz
He patroled the sunset strip in the land of the free and the home of the hip
He protected you and me from evil women like poor alice d
Alice was the girl that all the hippies dread
And they called her sweet alice the head
Alice it was plain to see, was full of pot and std
Shed attract a great big crowd, because her inner piece was much too loud
Good buzz did the thing that all the good buzz must
Stuck his gun in alices back and said this is a buzz
Shone the flashlight in her eyes, she began to hypnotise
Buzz said what a wild sensation, guess this must be hallucination
Love is so sensational, when you fall in love with eyes dilational
Now theyre taking pills in shops, buzz is not afraid of what
Buzz and alice d have shown the way of where the buzz might be some day
Buzz is still a cop of course, hes the pusher on the porch
Hes protecting you and me from evil women like poor alice d
song performed by by David Bowie
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Almost a quarter of our planet is a single mountain range and we didn't enter it until after Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin went to the moon. So we went to the moon, played golf up there, before we went to the largest feature on our own planet.
quote by Robert Ballard
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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There's a need for accepting responsibility - for a person's life and making choices that are not just ones for immediate short-term comfort. You need to make an investment, and the investment is in health and education.
quote by Buzz Aldrin
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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King Bee
Well, I'm a King Bee
Buzzing around your hive
Yes, I'm a King Bee, child
Buzzing around your hive
I can make good honey
Let me come inside
I'm young and able
To buzz all night long
You know I'm young and able
To buzz all night long
When you hear me buzz, little girl
You know some stinging's going on
(Well, buzz some) I'll sting (yeah)
Well, I'm a King Bee
Can buzz all night long
Yes I'm a King Bee
Can buzz all night long
Well, I buzz better baby,
When your man is gone.
song performed by by Pink Floyd
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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We can continue to try and clean up the gutters all over the world and spend all of our resources looking at just the dirty spots and trying to make them clean. Or we can lift our eyes up and look into the skies and move forward in an evolutionary way.
quote by Buzz Aldrin
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I Need A Buzz
I'm cracking up but now I'm filling in the gaps with glue
With every minute every hour there's a different view
It's not that I'm unhappy al the time but I feel used
I feel it closing in the rocketman has lit his fuse
Oh yeah, buzz!
Oh yeah, oh yeah
The clock is ticking in the kitchen as I walk away
The tap is dripping, I keep twitching as I concentrate
There's people passing, old men gasping as they climb the way
There's children smoking, drivers cursing as they go insane
Oh yeah, buzz!
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Just feel I'm choking won't you give me what I want for my disease?
I feel I'm drowning going under as I lose again
And again, and again, and again...
I need a buzz, I need a buzz, I need a buzz...
song performed by by Feeder
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Loving Cup
I'm the man on the mountain, come on up
I'm the plowman in the valley with a face full of mud
Yes, I'm fumbling and I know my car don't start
Yes, I'm stumbling and I know I play a bad guitar
Give me little drink from your loving cup
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk
I'm the man who walks the hillside in the sweet summer sun
I'm the man that brings you roses when you ain't got none
Well, I can run and jump and fish, but I won't fight
You if you want to push and pull with me all night
Give me little drink from your loving cup
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk
I feel so humble with you tonight,
just sitting in front of the fire
See your face dancing in the flame,
feel your mouth kissing me again
What a beautiful buzz,
what a beautiful buzz
What a beautiful buzz,
what a beautiful buzz
Oh, what a beautiful buzz,
what a beautiful buzz
Yes I am nitty gritty and my shirt's all torn
But I would love to spill the beans with you till dawn
Give me little drink from your loving cup
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk
song performed by by Phish
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Doll-Dagga Buzz-Buzz Ziggety-Zag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
All the goose step girlies with their cursive faces and
We know it's all braile beneath their skirt
I'm bulletproof biz-op and swing heil and
I don't really care what gentlemen prefer
Say all you pindown girls and bonafied ballers
So manically depressed and manically dressed
We got a venus not in furs but in uniforms
If you're not dancing, then you're dead
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
All the thug rock kids are playing
All the punk god angels saying
The toys are us and we don't even know
All the thug rock kids are playing
All the punk god angels saying
The toys are us and we don't even know
GO! GO! GO! Doppelgangers!
You're one of us! You're one of us!
GO! GO! GO!
Throw your shapes, doppelgangers
You're one of us!
Trumpet mouth junky saints go silver tongue
Marching down the stairway to substance
Cocaingels and asses give me opiute masses
Fill up your church porn preachers and we'll fill up our glasses
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
All the thug rock kids are playing
All the punk god angels saying
The toys are us and we don't even know
All the thug rock kids are playing
All the punk god angels saying
The toys are us and we don't even know
GO! GO! GO! Doppelgangers!
You're one of us! You're one of us!
GO! GO! GO!
Throw your shapes, doppelgangers
You're one of us!
You're one of us!
You're one of us!
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
And all the thug rock kids GO!
And all the punk got angels GO!
You're one of us now
You're one of us, so GO! GO! GO!
All the thug rock kids GO!
All the punk god angels GO!
You're one of us now
You're one of us, so GO! GO! GO!
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
God mod grotesque burlesque drag
You're one of us!
song performed by by Marilyn Manson
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Childhood Memories Three: Bumble Bees In Space
down the rabbit hole
of childhood memories
we tumble into lost world
into childhood pioneering
memories of Apollo Space
Programme watering the
wonder of an over active
childhood imagination
ready to actively participate
in private space training
programme: stage one selection
process an astronaut a
buzz Aldrin is needed
Command Module Pilot
for next daring mission
into the pumpkin plants
capture and transfer into
jam jar space capsule is
successfully attained in
swift youthful triumph
proceeding to launch pad
Saturn V was not needed
Columbia was under hand
thrown rapidly into space
experiments had proven
spinning under hand thrust
was optimal acceleration
earlier experiments had
shown with less speed
shorter flights bumble bee
unsealed released from jam jar
would fly off seemingly
unaffected by space sickness
later higher speed launches
repeated in multiple launches
produced really dizzy bumbles
my recovery technique
employed no canopy sails
Columbia was hand caught
upon reentry and soft grass
lawn was safe back up
jam jar was never broken
yes study my land landings
observed could have taught
NASA a timely trick or two
poem by Terence George Craddock
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His name, Buzz, fits. He can buzz along at 40 miles an hour when his genetic memory moves him.
quote by Joe Henderson
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Buzz Buzz Buzz
(wha-ooh, wha-ooh, wha-ooh, wha-ooh)
Well buzz buzz buzz goes the bumble bee
A twiddledeedledee goes a bird
But the sound of your little voice, darling,
Its the sweetest sound Ive ever heard.
Well, Ive seen the beauty of the red, red rose,
Seen the beauty when the skies are blue,
Seen the beauty of the evening sunset- but the beauty of you!
Sweet is the honey from the honeycomb,
Sweet are the grapes of a vine,
But theres nothing as sweet as you, darling,
And I hope some day youll be mine!
song performed by by Huey Lewis And The News
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Magic Of The Rose
the bees go buzz, buzz, buzz
and do what they must do
to polinate the roses
the faerie waits until they're through
to add a bit of magic
she will give the rose a kiss or two
not even the rain can ruin
the magic of the rose
for when a faerie kisses it
the magic seals itself inside
so when you smell the roses
you can feel the faeries pride
poem by Faith Elizabeth Brigham
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I've always loved airplanes and flight. The space program was really important to me as a kid. I still have a photo of Armstrong and Aldrin on the moon in my living room.