THE MAN WHO POISONED HIMSELF BY MISTAKE [as told by his ghost]
There was a man alot like me
Who'd sit around and watch TV
He liked to drink and think alot
And bet, but never win alot
He was a curious winsome fella
Who always carried an umbrella
In sunshine and in showers
He'd stand under it for hours
Avoided walking under ladders
He waved at magpipes and
Revered cats
He'd cross the road at every turning
Spurning the man of little learning
And fat ladies in turned up hats!
His name was Derek my name was too
When I was alive we stuck like glue
Derek Fingleby believed in Fate
And was careful to inspect his plate
Convinced that his time was short
He cooked fresh food nothing shop bought
What followed next leaves a big question
Was Derek killed by poor digestion?
So careful and cautious was he, in what he'd eat
How could such care meet such defeat?
But Derek missed important signs
His eyesight poor
Due to old glasses
He'd spent his money on elocution classes!
Wanted the best choice cuts of veal
He cooked exquisite gourmet meals
But still haunted by past mistakes
Derek baked 'a perfect cake'
A chocolate gateau stood two foot high
He did not know that he would die
One mouthful maybe, three or five
Would leave him gasping on the floor
And after Derek's final breath
Questions arose around his death
Some say the cake had fallen
Under his feet and tripped him up and that...
There was NO poison in the measuring cup
But Dereks life was ruled by fate
He didn' t think he'd die by cake
Was there a murderer in the attic?
His wife was called Bertha and was quite erratic
At the post mortem
On that fateful day a crumb that was swallowed went
Down the wrong way!
A primary cause was stated asphyxia
Though later signs showed an elixir
A poisonous cocktail was revealed
From the contents of that final meal
Was it the cake that killed poor Derek?
Who preffered to be addressed as Eric
In the larder stood a bottle of bleach
Next to vanilla and essence of peach
Though visible to the naked eye
Derek's eyes had lost their shine
Half blind he could not read the signs
If he'd gone to spec savers
He would not have met his fate
THE FINAL VERDICT
Self Poisoning by chocolate cake!
poem by Yvette Smith
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
Buggley Eyes
Have you ever gone to sleep with bo derek
And woke up with bo diddley?
Have you ever gone to sleep with bo derek
And woke up with bo diddley?
You got so loaded, you thought that she
Was the most beautiful gal that you ever did see
Yeah, have you ever gone to sleep with bo derek
And woke up with bo diddley?
Woke up in the morning, to your surprise
A couple melons in tube socks,
And buggley eyes
Yeah, have you ever gone to sleep with bo derek
And woke up with bo diddley?
song performed by by NOFX
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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U Needn't Look Far
Looking for a good deal
On an especially awesum car?
Look no further...
Derek swoops in to your rescue
Those other dealerships just mess with u
He uses psychology 101
To get the job dun
Determines your every need
Learns all about u, &
who all you have to feed!
He's part of a dying breed
That's my #1 Salesman, Derek~
Sold me my new car, indeed! ;)
poem by Angie Bb Hart
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Please Mrs Butler
Please Mrs Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps copying my work, Miss.
What shall I do?
Go and sit in the hall, dear.
Go and sit in the sink.
Take your books on the roof, my lamb.
Do whatever you think.
Please Mrs Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps taking my rubber, Miss.
What shall I do?
Keep it in your hand, dear.
Hide it up your vest.
Swallow it if you like, love.
Do what you think best.
Please Mrs Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps calling me rude names, Miss.
What shall I do?
Lock yourself in the cupboard, dear.
Run away to sea.
Do whatever you can, my flower.
But don't ask me!
poem by Allan Ahlberg
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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The Baker Man
Well here comes a dance that will never be banned now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
Yeah, stolen from a story called "The Baker's Man" now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Choo choo choo choo-do choo choo)
It's impossible too sweet to cross the land????
(Patty cake patty cake)
Put your favorite records on and start the show now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
Abra-cadabra look at everyone go now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Choo choo choo choo-do choo choo)
Alakazam this dance has got to grow now
(Patty cake patty cake)
Well they tell me that it's optional to use your feet
But now you really don't need them if you keep your beat
Well Arthur Murray's gettin' blurry tryin' to learn that jive
When all the kids from coast to coast are really comin' alive
Well go tell the gang what a time you've had now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
This Friday night we'll start a regular fad now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Choo choo choo choo-do choo choo)
We'll do the Baker 'til it drives us mad now
(Patty cake patty cake)
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
(Choo choo choo choo-do choo choo)
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
Come on and take a lesson now
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
Clap your partner's hands
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
Not too hard
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
Now slap her in the face
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man)
What a disgrace
(Choo choo choo choo-do choo choo)
(Patty cake patty cake)
(Patty cake patty cake baker's man
song performed by by Beach Boys
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Double Slit
Humor
humor and soup
and philosophy
and dreams of artificial splendor -
a thick, black turd
floating in the punchbowl
of life's
over inflated
expectations
a stream
a stream of thought
a stream of consciousness
does consciousness stream?
perhaps
but
I hear tell
that it moves
both as a particle
and a wave
©MMVI Derek R. Audette
poem by Derek R. Audette
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
quote by Bo Derek
Submitted by Veronica Serbanoiu
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Eye To Eye
They never could see eye to eye.
She liked cake. He liked pie.
She liked chocolate. He liked vanilla.
She liked the feel of rain.
He used an umbrella.
She liked veggies. He liked meat.
She liked shoes. He liked bare feet.
She liked hot. He liked cold
but now that they are getting old
they're starting to see eye to eye.
He tastes her cake. She tastes his pie.
poem by Edwina Reizer
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Some-Fake-A Baked Cake
No I don't have...
What I do have.
And I do have...
That which I don't.
A peaceless sleep...
Like many who walk 'mean' streets.
No I wont have,
None of that!
Strung out on dope,
Because I can't cope.
No I don't have,
None of that to keep me off track.
Or,
Make an impact.
No I don't have...
What I do have.
And I do have...
That which I don't.
No I don't have...
What I do have.
And I do have...
That which I don't.
Psychotic I'm not...
Like the ones who worry a lot.
Or hooked on smoking pot.
No I don't have...
What I do have.
And I do have,
That which I don't!
No I don't have...
What I do have.
And I do have,
That which I don't!
Even though...
Some-fake-a baked cake.
Some-fake-a baked cake.
Some-fake-a baked cake.
And I wont have...
None of that.
Even though...
Some-fake-a baked cake.
Some-fake-a baked cake.
Some-fake-a baked cake.
And I wont have...
None of that.
No!
I wont have...
None of that.
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Has Anyone Got The Time
Dreams live far in the future,
Memories dwell back in the past,
The only time that is real,
Is now, and it surely won't last,
This is the moment to live,
The only time that is true,
All other times are irrelevant,
Now is the time to be you.
The time to enjoy, is here now,
Because "now", will not happen again,
This time is unique and un-charted,
So make happy the memories that remain.
You may plan for the future you wish,
You may save, and prepare, even steer,
But the future is coming; you can't change it,
Re-arrange it, or stop it, or veer.
On arrival, it's "now"; you must live it,
For in a fleeting moment, it's gone,
Then all that is left is the memory,
The future is coming……………….it's gone!
From my recently published book; 'By The Way...' By Derek A. Sim
poem by Derek. A. Sim
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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All That's Left
All that’s left
Are two chairs
Empty wine glasses
And a slice of chocolate cake
Mosquitoes now swarm like memories
Over an unfinished dream
We were there
Two people
On two chairs
Wine and chocolate cake
It’s late now
Bamboo patches dark and dangerous
We left in laughter
Came in tears
Two people
Two glasses and chocolate cake
Our words like colours
On an empty canvass
poem by Wesley Gibbings
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Chocolate Cake And Rudi
Chocolate cake and Rudi
and my life is complete
Rudi surmises if only
I had more chocolate
cake I would have felt
better all the time, he
says for a statue I have
amazing powers, I
forgot to say, I’m the
statue of Liberty!
I wonder, will too much
love scare him away?
If he takes another trip
out to sea, I’ll be a stow-
away; why should he
be a marine biologist?
Juliette says I mustn’t
love him so much to
prevent my heart being
broken, I said yea right
I’ll hate him already
and when I have kids
I’ll kick them around
to make sure I’ll never
miss them if they leave
me one day - that’s not
what I meant, she
declared, I said if I
cool down my love
so as to be prepared
For later strife – I’ll be
the cause of the rift,
what a brilliant self-
fulfilling prophecy…
Chocolate cake and Rudi
I’ll just love him to death
I missed him more than
life itself, while he was
gone the world stopped,
the sun went away, now
he is back, the sun came
out, I can see again…
poem by Louise Tredoux
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Dr. Rock
Try modulating and articulating all the feelings that i have for you
Dr. rock -- help me out for i need to shout it
Dr. rock -- quickly derek run & get your mammy
There is no denying that you been supplying in a slathering ball of flesh
Dr. rock -- the light of death is gonna shine again
Dr. rock -- and i'll let you in the notes...
Don't conceal your tragic flaw -- give the dr. rock a call
Dr. rock -- come quickly to see the scene
Dr. rock -- got everything that you need
You're the apple of my eye -- but with some aid i feel you'll die
Dr. rock -- save the soul from a bottomless pit
Dr. rock -- and see what you can make of it
You like to fly... ahhhhhh ahhhh ahhhh
You like the suffocating on a small crustation as you hammered your way to the truth
Dr. rock -- was examined by an indian eye
Dr. rock -- another lie that you're going to die
Try modulating and articulating all the feelings that i have for you
Dr. rock -- help me out for i need to shout it
Dr. rock -- quick derek run, get your mammy
Ahhhhhh ahhhh ahhhh
song performed by by Ween
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Oh, my God! My wife and I, boy, we got down that night. On a personal note!
quote by Derek Luke
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Also there is a twist to the story as I'm being haunted and driven crazy, attacked and so on. All I seem to do is run and scream and cry in every scene.
Cheese Cake
I met a babe in a backseat drive-in
Back in the saddle shed sit
Pulled on the reins just to keep me risin
She loved to chomp at the bit
Daddy do it, oh, just do it
Daddy do it, please let me see
Do it, please just do it daddy
Do it, do it, drivin me crazy
She walks away with her eyes
Down on her bootlace
She lives to give it away
She dont believe in the right or the wrong case
Shes always liable to say
Daddy do it, oh, just do it
Daddy do it, please let me see
Do it, please just do it daddy
Do it, do it, drivin me crazy
(cheese cake), looser than her sister
(cheese cake), her sugar gets me high
She knows I cant resist her (cheese cake)
Got my fingers in her pie (cheese cake)
(cheese cake), sneakin out the back door
(cheese cake), rollin down the lawn
Everybody kissed her (cheese cake)
At the crack of dawn (cheese cake)
Daddy do it, oh, just do it
Daddy do it, please let me see
Daddy do it, please just do it daddy
Do it, do it, do it, drivin me crazy
(cheese cake), looser than her sister
(cheese cake), her sugar gets me high
She knows I cant resist her (cheese cake)
Got my fingers in her pie (cheese cake)
Repeat (cheese cake)
song performed by by Aerosmith
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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History of the Unites States: Preface
As things now stand
the criticism advanced
no teacher of history will deny this
we have omitted
all descriptions of battles
the time-honored stories of exploration
and the biographies of heroes are left out
First, there is the primary book
civil war
No youth called upon to serve
so useful
in arousing
the interest of the immature
upon negative features
upon constructive features
this condition of affairs
time-honored stories
the addition of forty or fifty thousand words
the historians assume
more facts, more dates, more words
In this condition of affairs
our first contribution is one of omission
pupils know little or nothing
about Columbus
Cortes, Magellan, or
Captain John Smith
it is useless to tell the same stories
It is worse than useless
it is an offense against
those subjects
that are demonstrated to be
progressive
in character
In the field of military
teachers of history are mere novices
The dramatic scene
seems out of place
on the very threshold
of life's
serious responsibilities
we find our justification
in American history
©MMVIII Derek R. Audette
poem by Derek R. Audette
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There is far too much law for those who can afford it and far too little for those who cannot.
We make too much of that long groan which underlines the past.
quote by Derek Walcott
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I think love and beauty are what life is all about.
quote by John Derek
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I don't research anything.
quote by Derek Bailey
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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