The Freeview User Manual
Blah, blah, blah, blah... Batteries in.
Switch on... Scan for Freeview channels...
No channels found. Plug in aerial.
Scan for Freeview channels again...
Found 3 channels. Are you kidding me?
Page 12. Try a signal booster...
Later that afternoon...
Another £20 that's cost me!
Plug in aerial. Find a spare cable.
Fit cable to Freeview box...
Scan again... Channels in the wrong order.
Page 13. Top of page: Delete channels.
Page 13. Try manual scan...
Finally...100 channels.
Later that evening...
30 channels disappeared. Flipping thing!
Remove aerial. Autoscan. No channels.
Reconnect aerial. Pause for some whiskey...
Rescan channels. Ah... Click Save channels!
Check EPG. What's the EPG?
Page 205. Technical Terms Explained.
Later the next morning...
Page 16. How to record a programme...
OK, why's the first 5 minutes not there?
Page 17. Missing segments in recordings?
Page 18. Using Timeshift rewind playback.
Press rewind button and again, again and again.
Pause at chosen start point for manual recording.
Press record then start button.
Fast forward to end of programme...
Rewind to end of programme...
Fast forward to end of programme...
Press record and stop button.
Where's the stop button?
Page 4. Remote control buttons guide.
Press the stop button...
Later that afternoon... in the shop...
Hi, I've brought this Freeview thing back.
What's wrong with it, mate?
It's flipping driving me m.m.mental!
Denis Martindale, copyright February 2011.
poem by Denis Martindale
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Related quotes
Those Television Channels
Every night
Prayers lull me to sleep
Infusing a watchful Lord
In my hope over evil
But a flip-flop switch of a snooze
Zaps the television
Through the flickering channels
Only to mean awake the whole world
Doing its blah-blah-blah
However
Of the sleeping Lord
To remind me at 5 a.m
Pristinely they invoke Him
With'Suprabhatham'
poem by Indira Renganathan
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Changing Channels
Changing channels
By: jimmy buffett, mac mcanally
1989
Girl of a thousand faces
From a long line of basket cases
Daughter of a fortune teller
Oh the lovely isabella
Chorus:
Shes changing channels
Stayin on her toes
Shes just changing channels
As she goes
This place is full of beachhead sailors
Fishermen and old retailers
Simple lives are so deep seated
And history always gets repeated
Some folks see a birds eye view
Others havent got a clue
Some will go and some will stay
It doesnt matter anyway
Chorus:
They are changing channels
Crazy girls and boys
Theyll be changing channels
Changing toys
Survivors of tidal waves
Children of former slaves
Strange how they all behave
Like its another world
Theres an island in the ocean
Where the people stay in motion
Somewhere on the old gulf stream
Do they live or did I dream
Chorus:
They were changing channels
Waitin for their sails to fill
Theyll be changing channels
Always will
Theyll be changing channels
Waitin for their sails to fill
Theyll be changing channels
Always will
To joseph campbell and bruce chadwick whose words and thoughts were an
Inspiration. to charlie allen and lt. jim amos anderson whose spirits
Linger with me though their days on the planet were far too few.
song performed by by Jimmy Buffett
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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57 Channels
I bought a bourgeois house in the hollywood hills
With a truckload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable tv
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin' on
Well now home entertainment was my baby's wish
So i hopped into town for a satellite dish
I tied it to the top of my japanese car
I came home and i pointed it out into the stars
A message came back from the great beyond
There's fifty-seven channels and nothin' on
Well we might'a made some friends with some billionaires
We might'a got all nice and friendly if we'd made it upstairs
All i got was a note that said "bye-bye john
Our love is fifty-seven channels and nothin' on"
So i bought a .44 magnum it was solid steel cast
And in the blessed name of elvis well i just let it blast
'til my tv lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbing the almighty peace
Judge said "what you got in your defense son?"
"fifty-seven channels and nothin' on"
I can see by your eyes friend you're just about gone
Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on...
song performed by by Bruce Springsteen
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Elevator
I can't change the past for no one has found the rewind button yet.
I can't take back my pain or catch myself from falling again.
For the net to catch myself before isn't there,
But I can change what I fall into and what button I press.
For the press of one button can change everything.
So lets see what the up button will do.
I may get stuck for a while or fall to the floor due to a sudden stop,
But this time the button is up and I will be falling into a net of hope.
poem by Christina J. Williams
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Nothing Will Be As Wonderful
Nothing will be as wonderful, as that spring had been
the trees were full of flowers row upon row
the water in the channels reflected bright like glass
in the distance seagulls turned around a ship’s mast
flew away in lines above us.
Nothing will be as wonderful, as that spring had been
where your hand had fitted fine and precisely into mine
where I fell more intimately in love with you
the water in the channels reflected bright like glass
we had seen an otter splashing at rocks in the sea
while the boat floated recoiling over the sea.
Nothing will be as wonderful, as that spring had been
where now I reach in vain for you
and forever you are separated from me,
the water in the channels reflects bright like glass
while the hot spring rain, wash away my tears
with dire pain cutting through me;
nothing will be as wonderful, as that spring had been
the water in the channels reflects bright like glass.
poem by Gert Strydom
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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At Least (The Little Things)
Oh, hmm oh yeah, hmm, hmm, hmm
I'm on my way back to Atlanta
About to start a new life
Cause' I can't take it here
It seems like the more we fight
The more pressure
I'm in this lonely house
Sitting high up on a hill
Pressin' the buttons on the control
Flipping through channels on T.V.
Wondering when you're coming home
And take care of family
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to eat
If you love me, you would've done those things
You won't miss me til' I'm gone
Impossible to drink from a well that's gone dry, yeah
And every night you come in singing the same old song
How could you do me wrong?
When you know it ain't right
Pressing the buttons on the control
Flipping through channels on T.V.
Wondering when you're coming home
And take care of family
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to eat
If you love me would've done those things
Take in a movie show, a carnival
A place to go, we can be alone
But instead I'm staring at these matching walls
The weekends spent, a compliment
Flowers sent would've kept me at home
But now instead I'm packing my bags and I'm gone
At least you can call and say Ic1
song performed by by Kelly Price
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
you promised me it would last forever
you said there's no way it could die
everything you ever told me
was a bunch of lies
hey hey mom, I'm back on the outside
you know that's not where I belong, no
every truth, everything I believe in
has turned out wrong
It's all blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart so many times
a lot of blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart
it's so clear when you scratch on the surface
going deeper, deeper down
all I wanted was to make you happy
but baby, what's that sound ?
but baby, what's that sound ?
It's all blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart so many times
a lot of blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart
you broke my heart
you broke my heart
All you ever cared for was to make you stronger
no one I have know has looked so weak
oh yeah
It's all blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart so many times
a lot of blah blah blah blah blah
a lot of blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart so many times
a lot of blah blah blah blah blah
you broke my heart
you broke my heart
you broke my heart
you broke my heart
you broke my heart so many times
song performed by by Roxette
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Shifting To Drift Like Swift Winds
That which remains to sustain limelight,
Becomes less bright over a time...
To find a dimming intentionally done.
Although the message stays,
Just as sharp and tight to deliver...
To those awaiting to feed their appetites.
People seeking fads,
Are not interested in longevity.
With those fads changing amongst us...
Just as fast as a storm comes and passes,
For minds to rid and forget the intent of it.
As if to use a remote to preview an array of channels,
To peruse and cruise through lives lived...
Treated as breezes shifting to drift,
Like swift winds blowing that finally end.
And with a touching of a button flipping to switch,
From one thing to another to experience their druthers...
Which do not sit to stick for too long,
To ensure any importance is effectively erased.
And does not prolong,
An awaiting replacement that guarantees...
A variety of increasing nonsense.
poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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I'm a TV junkie. I'm always flipping through channels.
quote by Sebastian Bach
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Am I Crazy?
This is a poem that for me elaborates a little about the thought-provoking word ‘crazy’.
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Stop!
They all look at me
With words spelling ‘Crazy’
Stop! Stop! Stop! Am I crazy?
I forever rant my thoughts to my daisy,
She stands in a vase all day playing lazy
Stop! Does this make me crazy?
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
An adult who still sleeps fondly with a doll
Is usually described ‘a screwball’
Stop! So am I crazy?
So what is crazy?
Talking to yourself alone on the day bus
Walking the street naked without a just cause
Sleeping under your bed daily without giving a toss
Speaking to the mirror, stating you are the boss
shitting in public, wondering why they are making such a fuss
Walking and talking like a man, instead of a lady
This poem is crazy
Stop! So am I crazy?
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Ranting away in my new mental home
Doctors have labeled me half-baked
Simply because of a normal mistake
I stopped acting normal
First lost all my pals, labeling me ‘Animal’
When I’m only a meat and fish cannibal
I'm accused of being mentally deranged
Because I shouted in the supermarket
as I was dollar short-changed
They say I’m mentally unstable
Pump me up daily with drugs
While tied to the bed with crazy cables
Now who is the vicious thug?
But my thoughts are still perfectly capable
Of comprehending the new meaning of crazy
What is normal?
What is crazy?
How are we so damn sure, normal is not crazy?
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Blah, Blah, Blah, the Blah!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Am I crazy?
poem by Sylvia Chidi
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Beat Goes On
Drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain
La-dee-da-dee-dee
La-dee-da-dee-da
Wait till you have reached the age Blah blah
History has turned the page Blah blah
We still want to hear a brand new thing Uh huh
We still need a song to sing Uh huh
And the beat goes on
And the beat goes on
And the beat goes on
And the beat goes on
And the beat goes on
And the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain
La-dee-da-dee-dee
La-dee-da-dee-da
Love is a thirsting
song performed by by Britney Spears from ...Baby One More Time
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Blank Page
Blank page leave me be!
Blank page please stop taunting me,
reminding me of what I have failed to do.
Oh how I long to fill you,
to take up your very last line
with creative, riveting lyrics of mine.
Blank page stop harassing me!
I wish to show you my thoughts,
desires, emotions and all.
How difficult it is to answer your call.
Blank page how sweetly you whisper
tempting my pen to caress your paper.
I immaturely expect the verses to flow
then I realize that my thoughts are much too slow.
Blank page so often you defeat me
teasing and challenging until hours later
all that is left is the tiny dot
where my pen merely touched your paper.
poem by Shaqueena Celestin
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Book Of Days
Your life is as a book
Written on the pages are the weeks
For you would give anything to take just one look
Into the next chapter, the next page
Each page is a new thought, a new dream
Sometimes it takes so long to pass that page
And sometimes nothing is as it seams
For you know you can not go ahead or back
You know you are where you are
You know you can't change that
As you read page to page, so near to fear
You write the chapters as you go, with each turn
Each turn, each move changes what's to come
And you know each moment could be the last
With this in mind you go so mumb
So numb to the touch, to the thought
You turn page after page
until you reach the 'end'
And only then, you are freed from the title
The title that has kept your thoughts bound, and tight
You turn the pages one by one
You take the pain, take the joy
Until you are done
And your story becomes another on the shelf of eternity
(1/24/2008)
poem by Bethany Maxwell
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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At Least
Oh, hmm oh yeah, hmm, hmm, hmm
I'm on way back to Atlanta
About to start a new life
Cause I can't take it here
It seems the more we fight
The more the pressure
I'm in this lonely house
Sitting high up on a hill
Pressin' the buttons on the control
Flipping through channels on TV
Wondering when you're coming home
And take care of family
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
You won't miss me till I'm gone
Impossible to drink from a well that's gone dry, yeah
And every night you come in singing the same old song
How could you do me wrong?
When you know it ain't right
Pressin' the buttons on the control
Flipping through channels on TV
Wondering when you're coming home
And take care of family
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
Take in a movie show, a carnival
A place to go, we can be alone
But instead I'm staring at these matching walls
The weekends spent, a compliment
Flowers sent would've kept me at home
But now instead I'm packing my bags and I'm gone
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
All I wanted was a smile
For you to stay a little while
It's too late for it
Cause you forgot the little things, whoa, oh
At least you can call and say I'm busy
At least you can say I'm running late
At least you can give some kind of notice
Let somebody know that you're okay
At least you can take some time to phone
At least you can just one day stay home
At least you can take me out to me
If you love me, you would've done those things
song performed by by Kelly Price
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Blah Blah Blah
Pop/bowie
Pop before the war
Lunch before the score
Steady as she goes
Following my nose
Im a bull mongrel
Thats me
Shimon peres
Whatcha gonna do
Im from detroit
Blow the reveille
Deatho knocko
Thats me little olme
Glamorous me
Johnny cant read
Blah blah blah
I cant see
Blah blah blah
Tuna on white
Guns all night
Blah blah blah
Cat taboo girl-
Raped by an ape
Cat taboo girl
Jam the sucker in
You dig the mongrels
Guardian of the state
Says you gotta go
Bombin low
Senator rambo
Merrily you go
Monkey butcher knows
A cab to find abank
A bank to find a loan
cause you cant be alone
You dig the mongrels
Violent peace
Blah blah blah
Buy it right now
Blah blah blah
We are the world
We are so huge
Blah blah blah
Johnny cant read
Blah blah blah
I cant see
Blah blah blah
Tuna on white
Guns all night
Blah blah blah
Blue jeans coolies
Everything huge
Petrified food
Pizza killers
From napalm to nice guy
Nifty fifty
Hit em where they live
The most spoiled brats
On gods green earth
Pop before the war
song performed by by Iggy Pop
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Back To School (Mini Maggit)
So run
Right
Right back to school
Check it
Look back I sift through all the cliques
Roaming' the halls all year, making me sick
While everyone's out tryin to make the cut
What?
And when you think you know me right I switch it up
Behind the walls smokin' cigarettes and sippin' vodka
I profess to catch a cab, ain't no one can stop us
Give me a break about some other mess
What were you?
Act like it's everything you got
Push back the square
Now that you need her but you don't
So there you go
Cause back in school
We are the leaders of it all
Stop that, quit! - All that, quit!
Who ruined it? You did! Now grab a notebook and a pen
Start taking notes, I'm being everyone who's on the top
You think we're on the same page - but, oh we're not!
I'll be the man, watch your backpack and the pencils
Just like he now flippin it, why you just keep it simple? You just can't go wrong rocking' the clothes
Coppin' the stance
'Cause really is everything that you got!
Push back the square
Now that you need her but you don't
So there you go!
Cause back in school
We are the leaders of it all
So
Transpose
Or stop your lies
It's what you do
Transpose
Or stop your lies
So run
So why don't you run, so why don't you run
So why don't you run back to school
So why don't you run, so why don't you run
All you are - Now I'm on the next page
All you are - It's time to close the book up
All you are - I'm on the next page
All you are - Close the book up now
song performed by by Deftones
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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I think that what people want from cable news channels is the sense that if there's hard news, it's going to come up immediately.
Ode to a Blank Page
Ode to a blank page
It’s blue seemingly thin lines flying across the page
Each producing a small space to place your thoughts on
Next lies the taunting red margin
Baring how sparsely you’ve done
You can strike the page with a single blow
Leaving a mark that did no good
Ode to a blank page
Why do you stare?
Taunting and shrieking in my ear
Emptiness fills the page
The blanks intimidate even the strong
How strong it is
To give a cut even to the toughest skin
Ode to a blank page
You know I’m jealous
How I despise all your characteristics
poem by Rachele ...duhh
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Anything Good On The Telly?
I was happier with one channel
A long, long time ago...
To watch, record and plan all
The programmes it would show...
Along came 2 and 3 and 4
And then came number 5...
And after that, Sky brought us more,
For me and for the wife...
We then got Virgin Media,
With TV, Broadband, phone...
And then my wife got greedier,
So we took out a loan...
I got a brand new aerial
And climbed up on the roof...
I fell off and the wounds won't heal,
I also broke a tooth...
At last we're getting Freeview
And so we cancelled Sky...
We dropped Virgin Media, too...
And one whole month passed by...
September's retune wasn't good
For neighbours in our street...
Now no-one in the neighbourhood
Gets Freeview, once so sweet.
We've all been told we must upgrade
From boxes that went wrong...
And throw away the ones they made
That didn't work for long...
So off I went to try again
For bargains I could find...
Some boxes were beyond my ken
And put me in a bind...
December's retune's on its way...
God knows what happens next!
I think I'll wait till Christmas Day,
So I won't get perplexed!
I might return to Sky, who knows?
I'll have to wait and see...
I could get lucky, I suppose...
And win the lottery!
poem by Denis Martindale
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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When Watching
One thing I've noticed I've come to miss
When watching my LED HD TV
Is that whenever I flip through the channels
On my DVR,
I don't have to become a tourist
Glancing at the sights anymore—
I can only read the dialogue of information
That tells me what I am watching
Or what I could be watching.
I don't have the time to observe
Foreign landscapes
(Partially because
Nobody makes shows
Of that
Anymore)
Or see how other people are different,
I just see text, text, text with no
Context, context, context,
And I feel like I'm missing something.
I don't even watch TV much anymore.
I don't enjoy sitcoms
Because I don't enjoy their jokes
Because my life isn't like that.
I don't enjoy the news
Because they don't tell me anything I want to hear
Because I want to know what's happening in the world.
I don't enjoy reality TV
Because those people make me afraid of reality
Because they call themselves reality.
I miss the white noise, the static,
The scrambled images of channels
I never had as a kid,
Or the disintegrated programs
That looked like high-energy molecular,
Heated up, when the cable is out.
I miss the way it sounded,
The thunder storm sound,
Voices reduced to raindrops
Pouring against the black backdrop
Of a dead screen,
A comforting hum
Made of chaos
For periods of silence,
Sometimes enough to make me turn it off.
poem by Tim Stensloff
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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