So, how to stay inside the world of entertainment without actually getting another job? I felt the only logical answer was to become a novelist. So I wrote the first book - driven by some very real feelings of desperation - and it worked.

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Book Of Love

Oh, I wonder, wonder who
But who knew who
Who wrote the book of love
Tell me, tell me, tell me
Who wrote the book of love
Well, Ive got to know the answer
Is it someone from above
Oh, I wonder, wonder who
But who knew who
Who wrote the book of love
Baby, baby, baby
I love you, yes I do
And it says so in this book of love
That Im the one thats true
Oh, I wonder, wonder who
But who knew who
Who wrote the book of love
Chapter one says you love her
You love her with all your heart
Chapter two says youll never
You never, never... never gonna part
Chapter tree, remember
The meaning of romance
In chapter four you break up
Oh, wont you give me just one more chance
Oh, I wonder, wonder who
But who knew who
Who wrote the book of love
I wonder who
Who wrote the book of love

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Ugly He Was Born

ugly he was born
even her mother had second thoughts loving him
his father disliked him
junked him from his
masculine affairs,
but he learned a lot
from being unloved
he keeps on knowing
what love is by loving
more those unloved
around him,
he sketched the faces
of those who were always set aside
or left out
those whose faces
do not matter
he learned all these
sufferings in his heart
kept the feelings
inside him like a big
book to read
when he is lost
in pain,
he did not stop loving
and those unloved
felt him, so real

he is real,
he is real
they call him real

somehow, he felt the
comfort of his real self

ugly, yet by now
so confident


to be himself
and not be somebody else

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Entertainment

Theres been another assassination
T.v. cameras moving in.
To shoot the bloodstains on the pavement
And get them on the news at ten.
Will he live or will he die, before we go on the air?
Yes, the networks are all there, in the name of
Entertainment.
Superstar psycho, from a killer to a hero,
An overnight sensation on the lips of all the nation
Is he mad or is he sane? it makes for good conversation
I call it suffering and pain, but they call it entertainment
Sex violence murder and rape. (entertainment entertainment)
Thats what you came for, thats what you pay for.
Entertainment, entertainment.
They call it entertainment
Inform us, educate us with your media machine
(call it entertainment)
Tell me what to dream
(call it entertainment)
You pay your money, what do you get?
Entertainment.
Real life for entertainment,
Cheapens my reality,
So that hollywood can make it into another b movie
The vultures get the rating and the people get the thrills
But the victims always pay, I guess they always will.
Sex violence murder and rape (entertainment entertainment)
Thats what you want, thats what they need,
Thats what you came for, thats what your paying for.
They call it entertainment (call it entertainment)
Inform us, educate us with your media machine,
(call it entertainment)
Tell me what to dream
(call it entertainment)
You pay your money, what do you get?
Entertainment, entertainment.

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Real Life

I wish that life was like it is in the movies
┬┤cause the hero always gets his way
No matter how hard it gets on that dark lonely road
At the end he┬┤s got a smile on his face

But when they threw me out to lions
Noone saved me as I fell from your grace
And noone wrote me new lines
For what I said wrong
What I did wrong I could not erase

This is real life
This is real love
This is real pain
That much I┬┤m sure of
These are real tears
These are real fears inside
That I can┬┤t hide

I wish that I could be a white knight in armour
With an army just to bring you back home
But I┬┤ll admit I┬┤m scared of dialing your number
Someone else is gonna answer the phone
Why can┬┤t it be like it is in TV
When the orchestra plays and you come back to me

This is real life
This is real love
This is real pain
That much I┬┤m sure of
These are real tears
These are real fears inside
I can┬┤t hide

This is real life
This is real love
These are real wounds I┬┤m bleeding from
And I realize this is real

I always thought that our love
Was a story book tale
God knows that I┬┤d never dream
In the end it could fail

┬┤cause this is real life
This is real love
This is real pain
That much I┬┤m sure of
These are real tears
These are real fears inside
That I can┬┤t hide

This is real life
This is real love
These are real wounds I┬┤m bleeding from
And I realize this is real

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Hope is not Lost

When the desperation hit
When the people cried in the streets
When everything felt at loss
Hope stayed, even though fleaing would be easier

When the eyes were full of tears.
When kids and families were torn apart
By that last desperate grasp
Hope tried

When all else gave up
When all else backed off
When people lost all they had
Hope flew

When they cried
When the world was shocked with desperation and dispair
When nothing seemed good
Hope worked

When those four planes crashed
When the buildings fell
When the lives were lost
Hope was there

Hope was only a tiny glimmer
Hope was still there
She ran to those who needed her
She worked to help

When all else failed
Hope didn't
She flew through us all
Letting us know, we still had her
We just needed to look hard enough

Hope was there
Hope remembers

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If I Were A Poem

If I were a poem
And you were a book
Would you ever read me
Could you take a look
Would you be my rhythm
While I would be a rhyme
Would you even know me
By feeling inside my mind.

And if I were a poem
And you were a book
Would you understand me
With the feelings I have shook
Would you be my reader
With words I have spoke
Then I would believe her
With feelings I have wrote.

If I were a Poet
And you were an Author
Would you ever know it
That I too was a scholar
Would you be my leaf
If I were the tree
Would you feel a need
Could you feel a belief.

If I had the power
And you were the seed
I would be a flower
And you would be like me.
But I am just a pen
And you are my thoughts
You are my poems
And I am what I sought.

Randy L. McClave

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The novelist and the poet

the difference between
the poet and the novelist

the former invites you
straight into his world
a canvas that takes
words for paint
humour for techniques
realism for images

the novelist
on the other hand
flatters you with
his intelligence
but takes the liberty
to hide behind
each of his creation/character
hard it would be to
find the man in
the maze of his words
you would gain more
hunting for him in town

the novelist is a
calculative trader
seizing any idea that could
help him sell his words

the humble poet though has
to sniff out his real self, his own god-instilled rhythm,
to let us share his adventures, colours, dreams

the novelist craft words for money
the poet craft words - to find himself and shares it with those -
who wish to find their own selves

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I probably worked every single entertainment medium, including some that don't exist. I worked the circus, carnival, I had my own medicine show, I worked 18 years of radio.

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Real Man

When I was a child
I thought as a child
I spoke as a child
I didnt know better
But now Im a man
I look like a man
Im old as a man
And I should know better
Got my head in the sky
And my mind knows what it wants
But my body just drags me down
And my world is something you cant see
But its still very real to me
You can find it in the hole where I keep my soul
There it is - way down inside me
Theres a real man
Forget about my body and be a real man
I see with my heart
I hear with my heart
I feel with my heart
Sometimes it works better
And some so-called friends put me down
And they pity me for trying
Bad emotions push me around
But the vision shines on and on
It will shine when we all are gone
And Id like to add a little sparkle while Im here
Light it up - way down inside me
Theres a real man
Forget about bad feelings and be a real man
Some mens world is only hate and money
Afraid of everything and they laugh at nothing
And they only live to criticize
You can laugh at me now [ha ha ha]
But the time comes to everybody
When you must decide
When that day finally comes along
You might wish youd been a little more strong
Then youll wake up in the morning cryin
Oh my god
There it is - way down inside me
Its a real man
You got to grow up sometime
Be a real man
Suffer them slings and arrows
Be a real man
Now be a real man
Dont sell yourself for nothing
Be a real man
Dont take no crap from no one
Be a real man
Get your trip together
Be a real man

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Writers are frequently asked why they wrote their first book. A more interesting answer might come from asking them why they wrote their second one.

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Dead And Gone

In years from now when I am dead and gone
Will people read the words that I had wrote
If they do will they agree with what they read
And if so truly, understand the feelings I had spoke.
Will they feel the pain and suffering that I felt
In the many days of my own life
Maybe they will etch my feelings inside their soul
And If so, I wonder for me if they will cry.
I wonder if anyone will go into a deep thought
After reading the words that I had spoke
And then will they think and understand that feeling too
While inside their soul or heart a memory I will had awoke.
Maybe they will be with me in those lonesome nights
When my soul and I felt so very alone
When I couldn't sleep so I had to write
While my soul stayed stationary, but my mind it did roam.
And will they feel the pain that I did feel
With every line that I suffered as I did write
Will they shed a tear that my lover never shed for me
While she was always in my heart and in my sight.
And when they finish my book and close it shut
Will they reflect my feelings as they walk away
Will they say they know the pain that I have felt
As they too had felt it in their very own days.
Will they cry the tears that was never cried for me
As they go searching for my last resting place
To give the sympathy they might say I deserve
While trying to visualize my soul through my face.
If they look and find and then walk unto my grave
I wander for me if i will receive long forgotten grieving
Telling me how sad and the pity they hold for me
After reading my words, maybe they will start believing.
And maybe they will walk to the graves of the others
The ones who did me wrong and who sealed my fate
Who made me the poet whom I had to become
Will they tell them their souls, and living they do hate.
So as I finish writing with these last few thoughts
I hope forever my words and feelings will continue on
As I know I am not alone and my pain is not fastened to me
But really who will know, until I am dead and gone.

Randy L. McClave

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If you are a novelist of a certain type of temperament, then what you really want to do is re-invent the world. God wasn't too bad a novelist, except he was a Realist.

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Agoraphobia

Two people touching lips
Hands on each other's hips
Nothing in else in the world but one another
The 42nd floor
On a distant shore
I wonder how we strayed so far from this
Remember when we were
Just flesh and bone you sir
May have forgotten how good your world could be
So, put down your hollow tips
And kiss your lovers lips
And know that fate is what you make of it
Please end this
Before it ends us
I wanna stay inside
I wanna stay inside for good
I wanna stay inside
For good
I read the news today
And everything they say
Just makes me want to stay inside
And a better part of me knows
That waiting in the throws
Is on the par with reading with my eyes closed
"What Can I do?", You say
It's just another day
In the life of Apes with ego trips
Put down your hollow tips
And kiss your lover's lips
And learn that fate is what we make of it
Please end this
Before it ends us
I wanna stay inside
I wanna stay inside for good
I wanna stay inside
For good
I'm gonna stay inside
I'm gonna stay inside for good
I'm gonna stay inside
For Good
I wanna stay inside
I wanna stay inside for good
I wanna stay inside
Don't want to stay inside for good

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I’d Like to Write a Sonnet Just in Fun

I wrote to write my thoughts in clarity
I wrote to write ideas and views that storm
You see I wrote to write tranquility
But now I want to write in sonnet form

I like emotions locked inside fourteen
Inside with beats I’ve never known before
The sonnet life has rule as code adds mien
To quench my thirst for laws that I explore

I lay the code in mind to bring feelings
With beats I join to capture its allure
In words I write to form with beats freeing
To play amongst the codes that I procure

I will reread and learn as I arrange
With feelings that will flow as beats will change

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Sigmund Freud was a novelist with a scientific background. He just didn't know he was a novelist. All those damn psychiatrists after him, they didn't know he was a novelist either.

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The Heart Wants What It Wants

You say one thing and there I go turning around again
Working things over better left unsaid
Spinning around in my head
Talking a moment
Too personally

I have told you just half the words
I've wanted to give you
Fear of rejection keeps my heart at bay
Feelings I'd rather not say
I'd rather have you close
Than never at all

But every now and then
When my world is closing in
I feel you breezin' through my mind
I can attempt to close my eyes
I can avoid the wrong or right
But something deep inside
Says my heart wants what it wants

Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
But my heart wants what it wants
Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
You know the heart wants what it wants

You do one thing and
Then I go
Always imagining
Reciprocating feelings that aren't there
Sometimes I think you're aware
Your body languge it gives you away
Maybe I should run
Turn my back
Head for the sun
Feelings left to come undone

Maybe you like what's goin' on
Deep down inside I know it's wrong
I know I should run
But the heart wants what it wants

Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
But my heart wants what it wants
Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
You know the heart wants what it wants

It's not even a love affair
I'm makin' plans with the ghost of what was there
I've become a desperate fool
And it's all because of you

Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
But my heart wants what it wants
Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
You know the heart wants what it wants

Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing
I know I should run
But my heart wants what it wants
Baby
Stay away
Do the right thing baby
Because the heart wants
What the heart needs
Can the heart get
What the heart wants

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Desperation Samba

Desperation samba (halloween in tijuana)
By: jimmy buffett, will jennings, timothy b. schmit
1985
This song brings to mind two things. first, an image of robert mitchum
Standing in the doorway of a bar in tijuana, and second, a line by
Thomas mcguane, my brother-in-law, from his book, panama,
"the night wrote a check the morning couldn't cash."
- used by permission of author
Halloween in tijuana
Full moon in my eyes
I wonder how in the hell i got here
Without a disguise
Should i take this last step
Or turn myself around
Or follow my intuition into that border town
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico [i want to dance in mexico]
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos [...with our friends]
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
Pretty girls they beckon
From their rooms above
Skeletons are dancing
In the name of love
Don't know where i'm goin'
I don't like where i've been
There may be no exit
But hell i'm going in
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
I hear the people singing that same old haunting tune
I drink because i know it's me against the moon
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
-- spoken:
"tss, tss tss"
"hey, psst amigo!"
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
Yo quiero a bailar en mexico
We do the desperation samba con nos amigos
- notes:
Background vocals: timothy b. schmit, harry stinson
Featuring reggie young on gut string guitar and
Harrison ford on the bullwhip

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Help Me

I love David, but he lives so far away from me. In
fact, he lives in his own world and I know that he
doesn't know me. I saw his picture in a book. I know
I'm not existent for ‘im, but I love ‘im so much. He's

existent for me. I want to meet ‘im to make this love
become real, but I read all his books and I know that
I have no chance. Even so, I still want to do this. I must
hide my intentions, firstly. Yes, I know what I have to do.

I'll send ‘im a letter writing that I want to meet ‘im for
a different reason. I‘ll lie. He will believe me. It ‘ll be an
ideal lie. Slowly, I can become his ideal woman. In time, I hope
that he'll fall in love with me. Apparently, the feelings of

love will come from ‘im, and I'll be that person needing
time to think about this. My thoughts will ne'er be an open
book for ‘im, because my little lie can fail. I can play this game
all my life ne'er letting ‘im discover the naked truth. I can hide

my consciousness. It is easy for me to do this, but I don't know
if I can lie about myself all life. Probably, I'll become an old
woman lying herself to survive. I don't know how many years
I can keep my consciousness in this sad ontological duality

Between being myself and being someone else in his eyes, at
the same time. I know that it ain't good what I'm doing, but
I'm desperately in love with ‘im. I remember that Descartes
wrote that ''we perceive ideas as objects''. Even I'm so

desperately in love with ‘im, I cannot accept this love to
become the object of my lie. Moreover, I cannot deny myself,
even I love my writer so much. My mother told me once that
she thinks that love belongs only to human beings. She said

that love is God becoming feelings inside of us. I remember
that I replied that love is in itself, because even God loves us.
I told her about Cusanus, who wrote that 'the world is not God
but is not anything other than God'. ''Much more than love, God

is truth, she said, because He is ''the fullness of being'." Yes'', I said,
‘'He is uncreated and creates, He gives being out o' nothing after
negating His antithetical nothingness''. I was so happy in that
moment being with God and waiting for a miracle to happen. Now,

those beautiful words seemingly lost their meaning for me. I can
see myself in the future, a very sad woman.I don't want my
consciousness to become a negation. I'm afraid o' this, while being
aware that my love is dying in self. If I wouldn't have Eckhart in my mind,

probably I'd have more courage.I love David and I'm so unhappy!

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Consuming Thoughts

There are thoughts inside me,
But I can’t seem to let them free!
The thought of not letting them out is frustrating me!

Its like all the feelings are stuck inside,
I try to let them out oh you have no idea how hard I’ve tried,
And still they stay hidden inside!

I have no idea what I feel,
Whether I am happy, sad, or even if my feelings are real,
I just can’t tell what my emotions and mind feel!

I want to scream out,
And let go of all doubt,
Yet I can’t even describe what there is to let out.

I wish I could tell you,
Could explain how I feel and what I want to do,
Although with everything in my mind my mouth has nothing to tell you.

I am suffocating in my own inability to speak my thoughts,
I feel as if I have nothing inside me even though I know I have lots.
How can it be fair that one’s demise can include one’s own mere thoughts?

By:
Bethany Maxwell © May 31,2010

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Never Say Die

Oh who took that shot
Well I couldnt say, I was already down
Oh who set me up
Well I couldnt say cause I saw no one around
Now Im lyin here in desperation
I had it all worked out
Everything I hear is consolation
Ive got this feelin you should never say die
In my fantasy
There were days to come that I wanted so bad
Someone sold me out then it all was done
That dream was all that I had
Now Im lyin here in desperation
I had it all worked out
Everything I hear is consolation
Ive got this feelin you should never say die

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