Happy Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.
quote by Happy Gilmore
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Related quotes
Tiger Woods
He is many times over a multi millionaire
And arguably the World's greatest ever golf player
The golfer most young golfers would love to emulate
The legendary sports star and a golfing great
'Tis true Tiger Woods is the golfer to beat
In every golf tournament in which he compete
For many years now the World's number one
So many golf majors the great champ has won
The golfer who has proved himself in every test
That's why by so many he is rated as the best
Professional golfer in the World of today
By millions beyond the borders of the U S of A
The World's number one golfer for many years now
Though to the father of time he eventually must bow.
poem by Francis Duggan
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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An Ageing Golfer's Dream
His great dream in his fifties is to emulate his son
Who was lucky enough to score a hole in one
Which is something in golf that is quite rare indeed
Where many do fail few can hope to succeed
A far better golfer than his son it is said
By those in the know who rate the ageing golfer ahead
Of anyone else in the local golf club
I only say here what I hear in the pub
From the local amateur golfers who enjoy their weekend game
Who play for the love of it not for the fame
As a golfer the young man in his twenties with his dad can't compare
For the father indeed is a far better player
But the father has yet to hit a hole in one
And on that score alone 'tis one up for the son.
poem by Francis Duggan
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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You're Up Chuck
Chuck had gone to a medium
To communicate with the dead.
No particular one had come
To mind to talk to, but instead,
Chuck, an avid golfer, did want
To find out if he could still play
Golf, after he'd gone on to haunt.
The medium had this to say,
'Good news, bad news. The good news is
'A great course is waiting for you, '
'To hone your skills as a golf whiz.'
'Hit those shots eternally true.'
'The bad news is that you are due'
'To tee off this Monday at 2.'
Golf Tees Lament
Golf tees on my dresser
Golf tees in my bed
Golf tees on my pillows
Where they poke me in my head
Golf tees in my closet
Falling from my shirts and pants
Golf tees along the baseboards
Just like army ants
Golf tees in the carpet
And underneath my feet
Golf tees lined up on the mantle
Oh, they look so neat
Golf tees in my couch
And in my back and thighs
When I sit and watch TV
I feel those little guys
Golf tees in the kitchen
In Jurassic coffee mugs
Sometimes when I pass them
They look like prehistoric bugs.
Golf tees in the bathtub
Like sailors on plastic ships
Golf tee in her make-up
Like little bald q-tips.
Golf tees in the attic
Golf tees in the shed
Golf tees, golf tees everywhere
I wonder where they bred?
Golf tees out the backdoor
Like Hansel-and-Gretel’s trails
Golf tees in the flowerbeds
Among the mulch and snails
Golf tees in my car
And underneath the mats
Golf tees in the backseat
Like little baseball bats
But when I am at the golf course
I ask my partner, like a louse…
“May I borrow some of your tees? ”
I left mine at the house!
poem by Larry Buddin
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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And if you're a golfer and you watch a golf film and Matt Damon swing, and it's not great, then you're not going to believe in the golf story, you're not going to believe in the rest of the film. That's the whole movie, so if that swing looks like crap, the movie's crap.
quote by Shia LaBeouf
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. A great golf course both frees and challenges a golfer's mind.
quote by Tom Watson
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Its A Big Old Goofy World
Up in the morning
Work like a dog
Is better than sitting
Like a bump on a log
Mind all your manners
Be quiet as a mouse
Some day youll own a home
Thats as big as a house
I know a fella
He eats like a horse
Knocks his old balls
Round the old golf course
You oughta see his wife
Shes a cute little dish
She smokes like a chimney
And drinks like a fish
Theres a big old goofy man
Dancing with a big old goofy girl
Ooh baby
Its a big old goofy world
Now elvis had a woman
With a head like a rock
I wished I had a woman
That made my knees knock
Shed sing like an angel
And eat like a bird
And if I wrote a song
Shed know ever single word
Kiss a little baby
Give the world a smile
If you take an inch
Give em back a mile
Cause if you lie like a rug
And you dont give a damn
Youre never gonna be
As happy as a clam
So Im sitting in a hotel
Trying to write a song
My head is just as empty
As the day is long
Why its clear as a bell
I should have gone to school
Id be wise as an owl
Stead of stubborn as a mule.
song performed by by John Prine
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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The City of Golf
Would you like to see a city given over,
Soul and body, to a tyrannising game?
If you would, there's little need to be a rover,
For St. Andrews is the abject city's name.
It is surely quite superfluous to mention,
To a person who has been here half an hour,
That Golf is what engrosses the attention
Of the people, with an all-absorbing power.
Rich and poor alike are smitten with the fever;
Their business and religion is to play;
And a man is scarcely deemed a true believer,
Unless he goes at least a round a day.
The city boasts an old and learned college,
Where you'd think the leading industry was Greek;
Even there the favoured instruments of knowledge
Are a driver and a putter and a cleek.
All the natives and the residents are patrons
Of this royal, ancient, irritating sport;
All the old men, all the young men, maids and matrons --
The universal populace, in short.
In the morning, when the feeble light grows stronger,
You may see the players going out in shoals;
And when night forbids their playing any longer,
They tell you how they did the different holes.
Golf, golf, golf -- is all the story!
In despair my overburdened spirit sinks,
Till I wish that every golfer was in glory,
And I pray the sea may overflow the links.
One slender, struggling ray of consolation
Sustains me, very feeble though it be:
There are two who still escape infatuation,
My friend M'Foozle's one, the other's me.
As I write the words, M'Foozle enters blushing,
With a brassy and an iron in his hand ....
This blow, so unexpected and so crushing,
Is more than I am able to withstand.
So now it but remains for me to die, sir.
Stay! There is another course I may pursue --
And perhaps upon the whole it would be wiser --
I will yield to fate and be a golfer too!
poem by Robert Fuller Murray
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The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
quote by Jon Stewart
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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On The Tiger Woods Affair
In the sporting World his is the most photographed face
And in golf he is the one who does take pride of place
His marriage in trouble not an unusual case
But he is not the first male to have fallen from grace.
The man with many mistresses in his life
Tiger Woods the World's number one golfer unfaithful to his wife
But before rushing to condemn him it may be best to recall
That all humans are flawed and he's human after all.
Known throughout the World in every village, city and town
To be a marvellous golfer his claim to renown
A golfing billionaire millions his praises do sing
And that women should fall for him a natural thing.
People created their false image of him as one morally clean
But he is only human you know what I mean
When beautiful young women offer themselves to you it is hard to say no
That all humans make mistakes is something we all know.
Tiger Woods the World's number one golfer is not a public foe
And like everyone else he deserves a fair go
The marriage infidelities of many famous people by the media made known
But peoples personal lives should remain as their own.
poem by Francis Duggan
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Hang Down Your Head Kelly Tilghman
This time tomorrow
Reckon where I'll be
Down in some lonesome valley
Hangin' from a white oak tree (The Kingston Trio)
Kelly thought she was being cute,
Kelly thought she had made a funny,
Golf Central would not fire her,
As she is a woman,
Not being Rush, Imus, Jimmy the Greek Snyder,
They were men.
She is of course blonde, so is Caitlin Upton,
Maybe that explains the fact,
Golf Central would not fire her.
She stated that the only way the upcoming golfer would defeat Tiger Woods,
If they would beat him up, like Tonya Harding did to Nancy Kerrigan,
Further more they should 'lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley.'
If the KKK would have been paying her I would understand,
But if, not she could have been playing bedroom course,
She could have been playing on the course where there is easy “lay” on the turf,
She was a caddy to Arnold Palmer,
She could have kissed his balls while he ventured out the first ho’,
That would make his putter stand up.
Golf Central still would not fire her.
(1-13-2008)
poem by Joe Rosochacki
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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I probably wouldn't make a good accountant. I don't even understand what my accountant tells me. But the character is a sort of exaggerated version of me, he's a little more frightened than I am, everything seems so much bigger to him than it does to me.
quote by Matthew Broderick
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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It requires a great deal of boldness and a great deal of caution to make a great fortune and when you have got it, it requires ten times as much wit to keep it.
quote by Mayer Amschal Rothschild
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Neighbor, Neighbor
Neighbor, neighbor, why you messin in my life?
Neighbor, neighbor, youve been talkin to my wife,
Tellin her you seen me
Runnin wild the other night,
Runnin wild the other night.
A neighbor, neighbor, theress always one in every crowd.
A neighbor, neighbor, tellin lies and talkin loud.
You better watch your step now.
You might fall off your cloud.
You might fall off your cloud.
Now I was walking down a dusty road
When along came a neighbor of mine.
He saw me walkin with my head hung down,
He just had to stop and pass the time.
Neighbor, neighbor, floatin in the salty brine.
Floatin in the salty brine.
song performed by by ZZ Top
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Split-Feelings
I'm sorry that it was you in that crash
I'm sorry that you got hurt
I'm sorry that you're in the hospital
I'm sorry that I can't be there
I'm sorry that I can't help you through this
I'm sorry that I can't talk to you everyday
I'm sorry that it happened like this
I'm sorry for every arguement we got into
I'm sorry for any stress I may of caused you
I'm sorry that I couldnt give you all I wanted to
However
I'm happy that we met
I'm happy we became best friends
I'm happy that we spent a lot of time together
I'm happy for all the good times we shared
I'm happy for everything we've gone through
I'm happy that we use to talk everyday
I'm happy for spending ISS with you
I'm happy for being able to have a class with you
I'm happy that we used to skip classes together
I'm happy for having the chance to know you
To know that your happy will make me even happier.
poem by Ashley Olson
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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No Pants On
My little sister is talking to me like an Army Commander!
But she has no pants on and i don't know why;
And i am exemplified by nature's care.
It is not easy when you are left alone without car,
So seek to know the truth always;
For she is naked before me and giving me commands,
But i have to let her wear her pants.
It is better to die a Bachelor than to fall into the traps of love,
For there is always a prey to where the eagle flies to;
And i am the easy access in her hand today.
DO grow with time and do learn a lot,
For i have no roses to share with the thief!
But i will try to pick you with my bicycle because,
My sisiter needs to put her pants on
Somebody needs to talk to her because,
She can't stop the rain from falling;
But she has no pants on and i don't know why.
poem by Edward Kofi Louis
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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Me OLD Mate JOE
My old mate Joe, his body has departed. My golfing mate, my Community involved mate, me Theater person mate, and then somewhere, somehow he sticks things in my mind. Knew and have known him. Joe is a real mate.
Some words from Joe.
Me names Joe, sometimes Joseph, and yes me coat was of many colours brave.
But I’m just an ordinary bloke, so it won’t take long, your precious time, I’ll try hard to save.
I loved me friends at the Unit, overalls resplendent orange colour bold.
I didn’t give much ceremony for acrimony, but I did my duties told.
Well, they indicated “procuring”, and in my chosen field I did sound.
I was the store man, I procured things you might say, but I lifted stuff, all for Mullumbimby bound.
Fire fronts, cookin’ stuff, liven’ rough, and I did that and some more.
Look at you, you RFS, eat me food get a break, then put the peddle to the floor.
And was I an ordinary golfer? The “Swamp Pheasants”, Mullumbimby Golf Club is well known.
Handicap? Golfer? What’s that? When me mates wanted points, well, suddenly stableford has grown.
Every Monday, me mates and I would go to do the battle.
Never won a lot, a golf ball here, two bob here, so lets’ go on with the prattle.
Beth Wicks, all off this, a profession will be unfolden’, the SEA HORSE SINGERS, and Byron Shire is the place that is beholden’.
I had a job, prop manager, curtain puller, our shows were for the locals.
Never seen so many folk, given’it out, singn’it out. Good on ya Geoff Dart’s focal vocals.
And then, OH boy, they put me in the show and then Goldilocks’ I was bound and more.
The Vegemite Kids, I’m on the skids, makeup makes us good I’m sure.
Marginally attractive, curiously distractive, I think ugly is the word, the inscription.
Joe’s me name, and I’m on me way and had a good time, on me cemetery description.
Have a little tipple climb every mountain, me partner Coral won’t object.
She had the job of carer, and it wasn’t good, that I expect.
I was just an ordinary bloke, I got more than I gave.
Help me settle down, depart this life, and don’t you be so grave.
Will you have a talk, but don’t talk of sad, and I’m certain Coral she won’t billya’.
Have a cuppa’, have a snack.
Now pour a little drink for me, willya’.
John Farley and Joe, © 2008
poem by John D. Farley
Submitted by Poetry Lover
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We know that golf is an ancient game with great history and tradition, but our golf is only 10 years old so don't judge us too harshly.
quote by Nursultan Nazarbayev
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Put you energy into music. If it fails you, you can become an accountant or a dentist. And then if you become a dentist or an accountant, it's too late to become a musician afterwards.
quote by Peter Tork
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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Never call an accountant a credit to his profession; a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
quote by Charles J.C. Lyall
Submitted by Lucian Velea
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